Friday, April 10, 2009

Dry Cereal

My father came to pick up the heart monitor to bring it back to the hospital. The last 40 mins of the test I was crying because I felt so ill and like I was going to pass out. So I started eating dry cereal little by little to get some food into my system. I am still eating it slowly right now.

Because I was so upset my mom came over when my father came to pick up the heart monitor. I showed her a lot of the information on the forums about benzo withdrawal so she could see that other people are feeling the way I feel.

What really sucks is not only am I going through xanax withdrawal, but I also have a ton of other issues going on and dealing with my very real anxiety disorder which is now because of everything off the charts.

I am worried about going to sleep tonight because I always wake back up into a nightmare of illness. I feel sick enough now as it is, but the morning is way worse. There is nothing like being jolted out your sleep with a pounding heart and racing thoughts..then vomiting.

I feel very disconnected from life. I know there is a whole world going on right now. People going to parties, planning their weddings, shopping at the mall or planning to see a movie. I can no longer see the point to any of it. I assume it is my state of mind. I just view it all as pointless. After all "we will all get sick and die" repeats in my head. I don't feel joy anymore. It has all been replaced with fear, terror and panic. Happiness has been replaced with physical pain, nausea, rapid heart rate and weakness.

It is interesting that "We all get sick and die" was just as true 9 months ago and it did not bother me at all. Now it has become a broken record in my head, my mantra of terror. That is why I keep assuming this is my brain chemicals all messed up from that drug.

I miss food. I dream about eating it sometimes. The one dream I actually remember I was eating burgers. Then I woke up and all I could have was a soda.

Assuming I don't drop dead soon and I actually recover or mostly recover from this someday I don't think I can ever be the same. I was never one in recent years to be involved in petty bullshit, but more so now I can't imagin really caring about peoples drama. So many people waste time bitching about work, their car, who has what. I can't even get to that level again.

I was profoundly changed when I was 24 years old and had to have lung surgery. I can only say it is happening again, there is no way that this is not profoundly changing me. I just don't know in what direction I am being changed to. Last time I remember feeling at peace and like all was well even if it turned out bad. I lost fear. It was like I could feel the comfort of another world that was here all along. That when we died we didn't go far at all.

This time it is like I am experiencing what it is to be in hell. (hell being real or not.) I have never experienced this level of fear and anxiety. I want to climb out of my skin. I asked my mom a few weeks ago to kill me and I was serious at the time. Thankfully that feeling has left, but the fear of that feeling returning still haunts me. This time I feel like God is far away, that all things good and nice are far removed. I have to look in the mirror to remember I am me. Sometimes I pace around so much for hours on end in a panic or feeling ill that I forget I am not just some entity that only hovers around this apartment, that I am actully a human being and I am still me.

I have watched my body and looks melt away from starvation and stress. Oddly I don't even care what I look like right now. The goal is to get better and survive, the weight can come back later. I wonder things all the time now that to most people I assume sounds crazy. But I think "who am I?", "What have I become?", "What is the reason for this? Is there a reason?" then all the fears and imagines fill my head of the future of horror that is waiting for me.

Now I will say this, but don't hold me too it because as you all can tell I am fucked in my head right now. I no longer want to be gay. This does not mean I am now str8. Just I choose to stop playing the game. I know deep down it does not work. The gay world is full of cheaters, liars, and selfishness that puts even the darker sides of the str8 world to shame. It is based on profound selfishness. So I tried to play the game and find that gem who was just like me, lost and scared. I was looking for that connection. In that search I have found nothing but pain. So how does one win the game? The answer is to never play the game at all.

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