Monday, April 20, 2009


My parents will be going tonight to see that doctor with all my print outs of everything that has/is happening to me. Along with all the tests that have been run and the results.

My mother has her surgery this Wed. and tomorrow has to take a drink that will make her go to the bathroom all day. She will be home in a few hours. Today is her last day of work, then she will be off for three weeks.

I don't have that much to say other than the fact I am pretty much the same. Somethings are better while other things are worse. I feel like life has become a dream. I wake up every morning back in this dream/nightmare. I feel disconnected from the world some how no longer a part of it, just observing it.

I feel shell shocked by everything. I never know when my heart is going to race or skip next or when I will throw up from eating. I am still very scared I will faint again. I am in limbo as to what tests will be run on me next, what pills I will have to take, and my reactions to all of it.

I had a dream last night that I was crippled and in a wheel chair from some stroke I had. I was sitting in a therapist office and the therapist was trying to convince me that the stroke was all in my mind and just anxiety even though medical doctors had proof I had a stroke.

In the dream my mom came in the room and asked if I could take her to the hospital because she was not feeling well from her cancer. I told the therapist my mom was sick and I had to leave and the therapist told me that I really didn't want to get better then and that maybe I just thought my mother was sick. That is all I remember and I woke up.

I finished the book "God Don't Like Ugly" and started the second book "God Still Don't Like Ugly". I am reading a second book as well "Yeah I Said It" by Wanda Sykes. That book is just OK, but I am reading it anyway. I am sure it is funny, but since I have been feeling so down it is hard for me to laugh or relate. I am sure most people would enjoy reading it.

I really miss Keith. I cried over him for about a half hour yesterday. I know he couldn't fix my problems or take them away, but some how having him in my life to talk to and as my partner would make me feel safer. Our relationship was enough for me, but it wasn't for him and I understand that. I just miss him so much.

My mother tells me there will be other people, but some how this seems different. Plus I doubt there will be others. I mean the way I am, who will give up the outside world and a busy life to sit at home with me. I am not that special. I am not even easy to live with. I get upset and scared so easy I must drain everyone around me even if that is not my intention.

I have no one to talk to about my mother. Since she is the only person I do talk to my fears over her cancer are not able to be addressed.

I guess when it comes to my mom I have several fears. There is a chance that this Wed. my mom could die during surgery. In less than 48 hours my mother could be gone. My other fear is that she will need chemo, a word she will not even say because she is busy being positive. I understand that, but I am concerned that this surgery will not be enough. I hope it is. And last my fear is that my mother is older and even if she does get better how much longer will I have her.

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