Saturday, April 18, 2009

Being forced to apply for SSI

The ER I had gone too has a program called Mercy Care. In order to get that you first have to be denied by medicaid. So I had to apply for medicaid. Medicaid because I have not worked in so long is making me apply for SSI disability before they will even process my medicaid form.

I have been though this process before and it takes a year to be denied SSI/SSD. I end up having to see one of their doctors and a ton of paper work needs to be filled out. I really do not feel like I have the energy to go through that again, but I have no choice.

Last night my urine was brown, which scares the hell out of me. This morning so far it is normal again. I have been drinking a ton of fluids so I am not sure why that happened.

I see my life now as a long list of pills I will have to take. I know eventually they will give me a SSRI. I know I can not cope without medication and I never could, which is why I drank so much in the past. However I am not sure how I can cope on medication knowing what I know about the drugs.

How do I take a pill everyday that I know can give me a seizure or cause sudden cardiac death and a list of other problems that these drugs are now being linked too. Without drugs how do I stay locked up in my house, crying and unable to see a dentist or take proper care of myself. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is no right answer.

I have done vitamins and deep breathing. I have run the gamut of alternative treatments. They have helped, but they never stopped the problem. It just took the edge off some. I still never really left my house and I still would throw up before seeing the dentist and laid in that chair in pure fear.

Back when I use to drink I never danced. I always felt too self conscience for that. Many people feel that way and I am completely OK with never dancing in public. I am just using this as an example. Alcohol would allow me to go to the store to buy food and would allow me to go out an socialize with other people. In fact many friends I have from the past are completely bewildered by my current state. They knew the drunk me. I seemed normal, in fact to them I never even seemed drunk. It took that much alcohol for me to be not nervous, that much to act like they did normally.

So back to my dancing example. Even when I drank 17 to 20 alcoholic beverages I still couldn't dance in public. I tried and did a few times, but even through all that alcohol the anxiety was coming through. I joked with a few people in the past that I knew when I was living in FL the first time, that even on the edge of a coma my anxiety comes through.

I have no idea how I became this way. I know as a child I had a lot of anxiety. I am sure it is a mix of how I was raised, genetics and maybe even intelligences that all work together to cause my suffering.

The problem is I am not simple minded (not that anything is wrong with that.) I can not be lied to or reassured by the medical community or even by religion. I question everything and I read so much. I not only know the history of almost all religions, but I know the hows and the whys of their development. When it comes to medications, especially drugs that treat mental illness. I know their history as well. I know where the drugs came from (some of which go back to experiments done in NAZI Germany and even experiments our own government did in a program called MKULTRA.)

I know the ins and outs of these pills. So far I know about them more than any doctor or therapist I ever met. I know the history of the terrible experiments done on mentally ill people. Some of which include rubbing Turpentine on the stomachs of mentally ill patients just to see what it would do. I also know about the LSD experiments done at Harvard and on the soldiers.

I know the history of Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), its effects and how it is still wildly used today. Just as many people receive ECT in one year as people who have their tonsils removed.

MAOI inhibitors were in the past used to treat tuberculosis (and if memory serves me right MAOIs were isolated from NAZI rocket fuel [don't quote me on that I think it was the MAOIs] Either way the reports in the newspapers back then said that the tuberculosis patients were so happy to be cured of TB that they were literally dancing in the halls with joy. It was later found they were not happy because of the TB being cured, but that MAOI's had antidepressant properties and it started being used in mentally ill people.

Me without drugs is a living nightmare. I can't do anything really and I am so isolated. I have thrown up from stress in my life more times I can count and live in a constant state of low anxiety which at any given moment can flare to levels that I hope many people never will experience.

Even while drinking and even when I seem "normal" talking to someone on the street or to a friend I have a constant thought process going. I will being talking and laughing and my mind is monitoring everything. I can feel my heart beat or skipping palpitations at times. I have thoughts about fainting and worry that maybe I didn't drink enough juice or how I have to get away from this person soon because I am getting hot (if it is a warm day outside.) and how I don't want to faint from the heat. I think gross images in my head that is the stuff nightmares are made of. I worry if the current cigarette I am smoking is the 4th cigarette because I don't like the number four. So if it is the 4th I will finish that one and go right to the 5th so I didn't stop on the 4th. I have a list of worries that will be pouring through my head and very real psychical responses going on in my body. Mean while the person I am talking to has so idea of all the crap going through my head. I am pretty good at acting "normal".

I guess my point is if I know how bad off I am and how much I suffer and my relief is in a bottle, yet I know the history and horrible things hidden from the public about these drugs, what do I do when they say "Here take this pill?" (I would literally be playing with my life). I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't. I don't like when I can't find the right answer or worse when there is no right answer.

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