Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Back at home with parents

Two days ago I went back home to stay with my parents. I couldn't take being alone anymore because I was so sick. I have the apartment for a year, but over all I think I am going to lose it because I don't think I can live by myself and I don't know anyone who I could live with that I would feel comfortable with. Timo my cat will be coming over here tomorrow.

I am still throwing up, but have been able to eat more solid food recently at night. Now when I do eat I get cramps which makes me feel weak and wore out.

My parents emailed a doctor that use to know my grandfather who was a doctor as well before he died. They emailed him to see if he could help me with everything that is going on with the xanax withdrawal and the stress of everything else. He has not wrote back yet.

When I throw up there is these specs of something that looks like black pepper when all I had was water and no breakfast yet so I assume I am bleeding a little from an ulcer or something.

I started reading a book called "God Don't Like Ugly" it is pretty good so far and helps me to burn time. I know I am in a depression now because it is as if the world was painted gray and my thoughts are very dark. Thoughts like there is no point because even if I do get better I will only get sick again someday and die. I just don't feel joy and the stress of everything hanging over me and the fears and risks that it all brings with it fuels the fire more.

My mom has surgery next Wed. to remove her cancer and that is the same day as my xbf's birthday. Part of me sees that as an omen that something bad will happen to my mom. I think about losing her a lot and cry. I also think about the fact that even if she gets well she is almost 70 years old and I will lose her soon anyway.

I have known for a long time that I can't take care of myself. I never could. What do I do when my parents are gone? How do I cope when I can't even cope well when they are alive?

Today my xbf stopped over to see me for a half hour and we stood outside and talked. It is always good to see him and we remained friends. It is hard for me though because when he is talking I find myself looking at his face and his eyes and thinking to myself "you are the one and the only one I want." I understand that is a fantasy I will most likely have to get over because he is not going to return to me, but it hurts so bad because I very much still love him. Now with everything happening to me it is that much harder to be without him. I just want to fall into his arms and cry my eyes out. I want him to make me feel safe.

My father is not being mean or yelling at me, but he has been distant. I think maybe he has said two sentences to me since I have been home. That is how he always is though and he is not good with feelings. What scares me is if my mom dies he is all I have left. Who will I cry on and who will I go to when I am scared? Who will take care of me?

No comments: