Thursday, April 9, 2009

I feel I can't cope with anything

I have come to a horrible realization. I don't know how to cope with anything. I am like a giant scared 8 year old. Being so sick and weak really throws this in my face. I hate the fact that we will all get sick and die. I know that is a part of life, but right now that paralyzes me.

In my 20's except for the lung surgery I was able to ignore my health. I am not even sure how I coped with the lung surgery back then. I assume because I was drugged up on pain meds and so I couldn't feel the anxiety. Though I do remember crying about it.

Now with my mom being sick this changes everything. What if she dies? I will be alone because I only feel safe with my mom. That is so awful I will be 33 years old later this month and I need my mom. I just don't feel safe without her at all. My father is there, but really no help emotionally. I assume if my mom dies I will take whatever pill they give me because who cares what happens to me then..I will stop caring.

I keep having anxiety attacks about having to leave in a little while to go to have my tests run. It is not even about the tests as it is I feel so weak, squeamish and nervous I don't even want to leave my apartment. I am scared of the kinds of panic attacks I will have there and worried I will faint.

I was able to have a can of soup about two hours ago and I got up the nerve to take a shower. I have been so scared of fainting in the shower that this is the first shower I have had in weeks. I have been cleaning myself with washcloths out of my sink.

The cat missed his litter box a few days ago and it is still on the floor next to the box. I have so little energy I just don't feel motivated to do anything.

Thankfully after the 24 hour test is over I don't have to return to the hospital I asked. I can just take the machine off and have my father bring it back for me. I was worried about that because I didn't know if I could go out two days in a row.

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