Saturday, April 25, 2009

Just not a good day for me

Actually it is a good day for my mom. She is able to start eating solid foods today and that means she should be able to come home in a day or two. She is very happy that she can eat again. It will have to be very light food for awhile.

My nephew that had the mild heart attack had to go to the doctor last night because he had a very bad headache that the doctor thinks was caused by maybe a spike in his blood pressure so he has to check it a few times a day while he wears his 30 day heart monitor.

It's just not a good day for me because I am scared. I just want my heart to go back to normal and most of the day today it has been running higher than it has been and 120-137 while I am standing. The dizzy spells went away yesterday and they are back today.

My father went to go see my mom at the hospital tonight and I am taking this time while he is gone to just cry. I am not even sad I am just fed up. I don't want to die esp. right now and I don't want a heart problem I just don't. People cope with things better than me and I just feel lost and scared.

It was so weird because last night around 2am my heart rate was 68. I was so shocked and happy. I thought oh my God, maybe I am getting better..maybe it is over. I stood up to take it to see if it would shoot to 120 and it went to 90 which is very decent over all. I felt pretty good about that. That is why it is such a let down today when it is running faster than it had been. I mean I am even smoking only 10 cigarettes now down from 30 to 40 a day. I have really been trying. I force myself to eat solid foods even if it is not as much as I ate before. I even gained a pound. I haven't even thrown up in days.

I just want my heart to be OK you know because I am just tired of this shit. I already had part of my lung taken out, I have had this stupid crippling anxiety problem for 18 years. I tried so hard over that time to take vitamin and eat right. I am human I ate a lot of bad food, but I have shoved more vegetables in myself than anyone I know. I have not even drank alcohol since 2007.

I get so worried that maybe I fucked my heart up with all the drinking I did in the past or the smoking. I get worried because I have not really exercised in many years because being housebound from anxiety you just don't move a lot. Many times I just got out of bed and sat on the couch to use my laptop or watch tv. I had spurts here and there where I exercised by climbing stairs over and over, but in reality I would only do that for two weeks and stop. I am pretty much a couch potato. I didn't mean to be one just sort of happened. And there I sat for years drinking, smoking and just not exercising.

I don't even know what I want people to say or do for me. I tell my father, mother, online friends that my heart is beating fast and they all say I hope you get better or in my fathers case he just says he doesn't know. That is all anyone can really say or do, but I feel so empty and not comforted by it. But like I said what do I really expect anyone to say?

As I have said many many times before I am scared of these tests they could run on me. Even the tilt table test because they keep you pretty much on it till you faint. I have such a fear of fainting that is like a nightmare test to me. So people say it will be OK, but in my head it is not OK.

I would exercise mildly now, but I am too scared too because I have no idea what is wrong with my heart yet and because the last time I exercised on April 1st I sat down after and got lightheaded and broke into a cold sweat for a few seconds, then I threw up and that was only from power walking for 8 mins. Granted I had not really been eating at all for weeks and my heart rate at the time was 124 while sitting.

I am angry because I want it to just fix itself. So I won't have to deal with this anymore. I feel drained and angry so I guess my tears are angry tears.

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