Friday, February 13, 2009

Where is Brian?

Back in Dec. I started feeling a lump in my throat down at the base where it connects to the chest. It is not a lump you can feel with your fingers, but more on the inside. It started out as a thumping that would come and go. After about a month and a half it slowed down and seemed to be going away. Recently it has returned and become more pronounced. The feeling of it has changed though it is more of a fluttering in my throat. If anything it seems more heart related now, but I am unsure what it is or where it is coming from.

For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.

I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.

Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.

There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.

Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)

"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.

Brian"

"Hi Brian,

I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.

I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.

Love,

******"

I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.

1 comment:

mazz_leek said...

brian Everything will go well