Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lost At Sea

Brainwashing has been an interest of mine for sometime, right up there with my interest in physical immortality.

As a child I always felt like I was observing people. I can remember being in grade school and seeing how many of my peers acted like animals, how they grouped off, and how each group had a role. How my family seemed very concerned with being embarrassed and would put on this fake act. Like on Sundays we would go to church and my parents would often argue all the way there, about what I can't remember, but soon as they passed through the doors of the church it was all smiles and "Ohhh hi how are you!?". Then it was "Don't stand with your arms crossed, you look sick, what will people think?"

There have been these events in my life, which to others may not have caused the same effect upon them as it has me. After all I seem to have been born somewhat of an observer anyway. I do remember the more I was teased by my peers growing up and the more tense my household was the worse this observation/awareness got. By worse I mean I went deeper into my mind and would see more differences not only in others, but myself.

However back then I was able to go in and out of "reality". By that I mean I was not in a constant observer/aware state. I would still lose myself in the moment and forget. Like when I was hanging out with friends, during puberty when hormones kicked in that was an easy distraction, while shopping or busy at school. I could also distract myself with things and trying to accumulate money. Then I would remember.."Oh yeah...I am human...I am me."

It wasn't that bad back then though. I would not be in my head for periods of time. Then came an event that would pull me further out of "reality" or at least what passes for what people consider reality, lung surgery. I am not sure what it was about that event. Maybe the pain it caused that morning I woke up and went to the ER or maybe because I faced mortality, maybe the reaction or lack thereof of others, maybe all of it. I was 24 years old (year 2000) and at the time I was doing what many 24 year olds do, hanging with friends, hooking up and buying designer clothes. I had this vision in my mind during that time of all the suffering in the world and how selfish it was for me to spend $90 on a pair of jeans. It was not needed at all. Since that time I stopped buying designer anything (In fact I don't buy much of anything) and I would say the most expensive jeans I buy now are $20 if that. They look the same anyway. They only miss having a "label", that all important name the masses crave.

Next trigger for me was 9/11/2001. It was a shock for most people. The events of that day soon after didn't sit right for me and something felt off about it. If you have ever had a lucid dream you know there is that trigger where suddenly you are like "Oh...wait that doesn't make sense...I am just dreaming." Then you have your lucid dream. You are wide awake in your dream and have full control or almost full control. That is how that event was for me. Like a waking up and further pushing my mind into this weird state of awareness.

The last and most significant event for me was benzo withdrawal, which if you watched my video was hell on earth. Even I didn't think I would make it through that. I eventually felt that was it and I was going to be lost in that demented sea of terror that I would never escape from.

That brings me to now and here is the problem or gift depending on how you look at it. I can no longer relate to very many people at all. Sure I can play the role and no one is the wiser. I look and seem completely normal, but nothing is the same. As I said above I use to be able to lose myself in the moment. To "forget" what I know in the core of my being for a time. Now and for the past two years there has been no escaping that. I am just in this perpetual state from the time I wake till the time I sleep. From what I can tell it is also occurring in my dream state.

Some people I have opened up too about it have said maybe it is depersonalization. After looking that up I can say it is not that at all. It doesn't fit. I can't even really put words to what it is that I am experiencing, so to completely explain it to someone who has never had this would be almost impossible I have found. I suspect that someone reading this who is in this state would spot it right away and maybe even be thankful that there are others out there like this. One person sort of nailed it by saying "It is like you are a ghost, just here, but not part of any of it." That is close to how it feels.

It is not something that causes me distress or even something I wish to get rid of. The only downside is I feel alone. Not alone in a depression sort away, but alone because I have to act to seem interested in what most people tell me.

Facebook is one of the worst places for me to sit, yet I do daily. The mundane plays out at a rapid pace there. People posting about the pain they are in because they lost their greatest love, even though they only met a week ago. The running like ants to brunch, clubs, dinner. Come Monday morning the posts swarm with old cliches about how its "just another manic Monday" or "Hi ho, hi oh it's off to work I go.". Saturday night around 3am the posts start with how drunk they are and how upset they are about life, upset about what someone did or said or how they are going to just cry themselves to sleep. The next morning when sober those posts are usually deleted. Most people on my Facebook added me and we never speak. They know very little about me. I however know too much about them, their girlfriends, boyfriends, family, jobs, home life. Weekly I feel like deleting it, but instead I torture myself by staying and post yet more news stories on certain topics like a distress call in the dark hoping a person just like me takes a bite. I am looking for them as I am sure they are looking for me. Then again maybe they wised up and just deleted it.

I see roles being played out by people all the time. Many roles are set in authority/servant order. This plays out all over the place....manager, police, doctor, lawyer, judge. There is this whole system of hierarchy that we humans play. It is like a giant beehive we are all in only not many notice the hive. The other roles become sub-roles. Punk rocker, emo, club kid, rebel, woman of God, pure, innocent, partier, whore etc. None of the roles are bad in themselves. The problem is most seem to get lost in the role. They believe it and any challenge to it brings anger. Nothing brings anger more than pointing out something to someone who is so deeply locked in the system and needs the system so much they buy into all of it. Then anything you say they attack like a viper. You to them are the problem. They do not see that they are a slave kept in check by all the other slaves, each locked in this role that they are not even aware of.

I guess the only other negative to this state I am in is that I can feel every freaking heartbeat I have. Slow, fast..whatever, there it is beating in my chest. I can count it while I am sitting, walking or laying down. Thankfully I am learning to tune it out. There is nothing like having that thing thumping in your chest all the time. It is annoying.

One new age person told me that maybe what I am experiencing is enlightenment. I doubt it. To me enlightenment would bring peace and comfort. I don't have that. I am just aware. I still have fears like others. I still get angry. I just don't think enlightenment would carry that burden.

Well this is long enough. I started out talking about brainwashing, but never got around to it. I will write more on that topic later.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know the feeling, of being sort of - I don't know - detached while watching other people. The thing that's always scared me though, is that I don't realise when I start 'detaching', only when I 'come back' and realise that I am me. I have to sort of, remind myself of basic things like, I'm Scottish, I have a sister, and then I have to think "Wait, is that me?" When I was I kid (well, I suppose as a teenager I still am, but I mean like, under 9), I thought I was just a daydreamer - at least that's what my parents and teachers said. But I wasn't off in a wee world of my own in my head, I was just, not all there all the time.