Saturday, July 31, 2010

Feel Like Starting Over

Last night I almost passed out. I woke up feeling very hot. I actually thought it was my apartment, but it was just me. I went to the bathroom to go pee and shortly after my face went white and my brain went foggy. Part of me almost didn't care. I thought about just letting myself pass out, but Keith was sleeping, so I decided against it in case I hit my head. I did however decide to take my blood pressure during it, since those events are more rare for me. My Blood pressure standing was 97/77 and my pulse was 134. I sat down and rechecked and it was 108/79 and my pulse of course because I sat down dropped to 88.

After that I didn't go right back to bed. So I sat online for a few hours. Eventually I went back to sleep and woke up at 9:30am shivering. I was freezing, bone cold like you get when you are out in the winter time. Keith was awake by then so I asked if he could bring me my thermometer. I checked it was only 98.1 degrees. So no fever. Eventually I warmed up and went back to bed till 130pm.

After waking up my heart was in a fast phase again. Standing it was in the 130s and so I went to the kitchen to drink V8 since high salt seems to help sometimes. I then decided I didn't care if it killed me, whatever it is that is wrong, so I went to the store, secretly hoping I would pass out in front of a bunch of people so the ambulance could just collect me and take me to a hospital. The other part of me really did not actually want that to happen. It is just sometimes I get so fed up with having 100s of symptoms, some days worse, some days better and some days like this past Fathers Day a nightmare.

Driving to the store I was playing with ideas in my head. What new primary care doctor would I get now? I wonder if a walk in clinic doctor would be my new primary care since I can't predict day to day or hour to hour how I feel? It sure would make it easier to see one regularly. I thought about my family and how they could actually just be the way they have been through all this? How will I get through all this with no support system? What if some well meaning doctor makes me worse than I am now? Then I wondered about death. Why do I always fight whatever is wrong? Maybe I should just let it kill me? Maybe by being careful I am only prolonging my own death and should just let it do what it is going to do and be done. Then I thought about how that would actually suck because being dead is the last thing I really want.

Later on I was telling Keith how sometimes I am so angry because I am tired of dealing with it, tired of writing about it, just tired. I would like nothing more than to lay on a warm beach by the ocean and feel the sun cooking me without ending up in the ER from it. How I hate my apartment because it is my jail cell. That I feel I have so much to offer other people and I have great ideas. It just feels all wasted. If I died today this really would be it. A family who never saw how cool I was, doctors who never knew how much I was suffering and a blog read by people who think I am crazy or silently suffering themselves, some I feel holding out hope that I can fix this because if I can fix it, then maybe they can too. I am the worst person in many ways to be looking up too. There are so many better people to follow, yet at the same time I understand it. I would be asking me questions too esp. if I found someone who felt just like me.

I made yet another doctors appointment with a new gastro doctor. This one hopefully is not as cold. I can deal with clinical, but not someone who is cold and won't really listen to what I am saying. I am not rigid, I am willing to listen myself, but I just can't accept what they tell me it is when I know for a fact it is not. I also really need some compassion from a doctor. This is not easy for me and sometimes I want them to just pretend they care, even a little, even if they secretly hate me.

So that appointment will be Oct 10th at 10:15am. It takes a long time to get into specialists. I tried to make an appointment with a Psych doc because I figured I am playing the game wrong. I need to convince them this is not mental. Then when a doctor stays it is mental I will have a note from a "professional" saying it is not other than a few phobias. The Psych doctor returned my call though to say they were not taking on any new people at this time, which sucks because it was so close to my house, even my sickest of sick days I could have got myself to that place. I am flirting with the idea of seeing yet another Cardio doc. Part of me wants to say "Doctor when this is all over I am going to write a book about this, do you want your chapter to be good or bad?" Can you imagine the nut job I would be labeled then haha.

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