Thursday, August 6, 2009

Life Continues

I finished taking all the antibiotics for the H. Pylori on Aug. 3rd. Up till that point there had really been no difference in me, other than the fact I seemed to get more depressed on all those pills. However the Prevpac lists depression as a possible side effect.

I hardly ate the entire time on the pills and got very weak. My heart rate stayed high. The day after I finished all my pills, I felt awful, but I just wanted to go home to my apartment. I had not stayed there since April. As much as it bothers be to be alone right now, I just needed time away from my parents.

The day I got to my apartment I was so weak. It was the first time I drove my car since Feb 22nd. It was a bit unnerving for me, so thankfully I only had to drive a mile. I parked out front, because to be honest I didn't feel strong enough to walk from the parking lot.

So I returned to my apartment Aug. 4th. With an even higher heart rate than normal. 120 resting and 160 standing. I was disappointed, wore out and so I cried for awhile alone in my apartment. The heart rate stayed high till 5am the following morning. Then it went down to the 80s..then 70s.

Aug. 5th my heart rate was completely old normal before any of this happened to me. It was also normal today. I don't know if it will last, but I am thankful for it and almost to scared to feel happy, because I don't want to be upset if it goes back up again. Though if it does I know I will be.

The past two days I was able to eat as well. Today I even ordered a pizza and bread sticks of all things. I have consumed about 2000 calories today. For the past 6 months I am lucky if I even got 1000 a day, many days it was a struggle to get 500. Again I am happy about that, but sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess after 6 months of intense illness you lose hope and become shell shocked.

I guess if something bad starts up again, I should be thankful for the past few days of feeling almost like my old self. It was nice to feel me again..almost me...but close enough.

I was able to finally exercise today. I suddenly had energy to spend so I walked on and off my treadmill for an hour total and after each time my heart would go to fact after exercise today my heart rate was lower than when I usually stand up.

I have this fear of fainting again since I did a few months back in my apartment. I think about it often actually and it is a problem I need to some how someday work out for myself.

Looks like me an my xbf will be getting back together or at least trying too. It will however be an open relationship, for now anyway. He is going to keep his apartment since he just signed a lease. Then if all goes well between us move back in next year.

The open relationship will be hard for me because to be honest I am a jealous person, but at the same time I have been so alone and have missed him terribly. We have been talking on the phone more often and that has been nice. He is coming to see me this Saturday.

I really need him in my life right now, esp. with my mom being sick from cancer and my father being no help emotionally to me. There really is no one else and my xbf knows me so well. So hope the best for us because I really need someone right now.

My mom had chemo this week and is sick, but seems ok so far, better than normal. I know she will see her doctor soon for a PET scan to recheck her liver to see if the chemo is helping and to decide when they will want to do surgery.

I find people ask me often if I am OK and I say yes. Deep down I am not ok at all, I think I just say OK and fine, because its just what you say...but to be honest what I have gone through and continue to go through I can't ever see feeling OK again. Maybe in time that will change. I know my view of everything has changed. It is like someone took the world I knew, shook it all away, completely removed any sugar coated ideas I had left of life and left me naked shivering in the cold, while everyone else is still blissfully unaware of what I now have come to understand. Thankfully I am sure there are others like me that someday I might meet and be able to relate. I think the scary part is I am now left afraid to be happy and left with the horror that everything I have gone through could be way worse. It can always be worse. Life has become sorta nightmare like for me, right now the nightmare seems at low power, but any minute the monster could return...keeps me on edge.

I have a lot of worries about cancer now that I didn't have before. Seeing all of it first hand...well I can't even begin to tell you what having cancer means unless you have watched it or had it...I also know I lack the will and the strength to go through it. All I can do is hope and wait that it never arrives for me.

I like to exercise, it makes me feel like I am actually trying to do something to help myself, but I must admit scares me. I am worried I will have some heart event while doing it or that I will pass out. I will continue to do it anyway. It needs to be done...not doing it in the end is worse.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

All of your fears are, of course- quite valid and i get that "fear of fainting" thing very often myself. Sometimes the fear of it can bring on more anxiety which can yes.. lead to faiting, as you know. So i try to shut off my little inner fearful, naging voice. Try being the key word there. heh heh

But listen.. while reading your latest post- i saw some nice positive stuff there i gotta say, Brian.

Maybe that round of pills did some good.. maybe being away from the negative vibes of your father helped even too. Who can say. But if this keeps up slowly but surely.. you will begin to feel what passes for "ok" or even if not slightly "good". Having an appetite and exercise is a huge deal. So "yay!" for the small things.

I always call myself a pessimistic optimist- but i find i am more optimist sometimes when it counts. Sometimes sickeningly so- but that's another story LOL. I hate "perky".

I feel like good things are going to happen with you, Bri.
And i hope- wait.. i KNOW even the company of your Ex is a huge help. I know it would be for me.. hell-- ANYone for that matter.

I do hope this improvement, albiet sight, continues.
And thank you for keeping us posted. I was about to send you my usual "checking on you" e-mail LOL.

We will connect more soon. Til then be happy for what you have.. and be well. Take care.