If there was ever a point were I completely lost my mind it was in the fall of 2003. For some reason I started to completely not care about life and started to wonder about the social norms we live by. All this thinking was of course at the time mixed with heavy drinking.
My mornings would start by me waking up on a blow up bed in my mouse infested apartment and taking a walk down the street to the corner store to buy six 24 oz. cans of Coors Light. Usually while walking there my heart would be pounding so hard and a form of paranoia would be setting in from the heavy drinking I had done the day before. Alcohol would calm my anxiety but payback was a bitch. When the alcohol wore off the anxiety would be 10 times worse than it normally was had I not been drinking. While walking to the store I was sure if someone ran up to me that I knew and started talking to me I would jump out of my skin or throw up or both.
I would get in the store and I remember at times holding my breath. I wanted to get out of there before I had to breath again. The length of time in the store felt overwhelming. When I have high anxiety there is something about being in a store that drives me mad. The lights, colors, sound of the running fan by the register and people moving around me to get to the item they want. Thankfully it was a small store and the beer was near the front door and register. Since I bought beer there everyday the people that worked there knew me and seemed not to judge that I was buying beer at 830am in the morning. Though I am sure they knew I had an issue with drinking I was usually greeted with "How are you doing boss?" or one time "We were almost out of Coors boss but I knew you would be coming in so I put six in the back for you boss. I will get them for you."
Once I got back to my apartment I would start to drink. After the first 24 oz. I must admit I felt a lot better. I then would go online to gay.com and start to chat with people or look for a possible hookup to come over later.
You have to understand at the time the only things in this one bedroom apartment besides the mice were a blow up bed, a small 13 inch TV that set in the corner on the floor, an alarm clock, and my computer which set on a card table. The roof leaked, there was not always running water, no oven just my microwave and a half working refrigerator that I would not keep food in too long. At that time however I really did not need to keep food there because there was a Chinese restaurant two doors down and other such food places. I lived on beer, Chinese and pizza for the most part.
At the time my best friend who I would go out to the clubs with every night was sleeping with hustlers and starting to do crack. I remember at the super bowl party he had at his apartment that year I was drinking while the other people were doing crack, coke, opium and whip-its (nitrous oxide). That was the year Janet Jackson flashed her breast.
So anyway the two day mental break from reality came when one night I got so drunk I thought it was a good idea to get dressed as an alien and go to one of the local gay clubs. My friend at the time had the alien suit from a past Halloween. So I went over to his house to put it on and we went to the club together. Walking over with a giant "Alien Grey" head and the alien body that went with it certainly brought attention. It was impossible to see who I was. It was one of those all encompassing costumes. Cars would slow down as he and I walked to the club and I would just wave at them. It was sort of humorous to see peoples expressions especially when they would turn the corner not expecting to see an alien with a large head walking by.
When I got to the club some people clapped. Of course they were drunk too and this must have seemed fun to them. I do remember it was hard to drink while in that custom and I would have to slip the Twisted Tea bottle under my giant head and drink it with a straw. That is the only night I ever danced in a club. I refused to tell anyone who I was and no one could tell. The only person who knew was the friend I went with. I remember dancing with this hot lesbian and she said to me "Are you a boy or a girl?" I told her a boy but I think she was hoping for a different answer.
At 4am I wandered home drunk in my alien suit to my apartment. You have to understand I lived in a bad area at the time but I don't think anyone was going to mug the alien. I would assume even criminals would not want to mess with the mental case coming down the empty streets at 4am in a giant alien suit.
The next day I woke up still drunk. I felt like I was going to die and went to the bathroom to throw up. Then of course paranoid back to the corner store to get beer.
That night I went out again with the same friend to a different club. After we drank a bit he passed out in the corner of the club so I went to the bathroom. A girl was in there doing coke and had all this makeup laid out. I asked her if I could have a tube of her red lipstick. She gave it to me and said I could keep it. At first I just put it on my lips. However eventually I had colored in my whole face. Forehead to chin was colored with blood red lipstick. I would have painted more but the tube was now empty so I took the tube and looking in the mirror carved the word "FUCK" backwards in the lipstick across my forehead (you have to do it backwards in the mirror).
This is where it gets spotty but I opened the bathroom door and do remember some heavy set girls eyes get very big from shock of seeing a blood red face emerge with the word "fuck" written on it. Then later someone taking a picture because I remember this figure coming out and a flash bulb going off. At some point how long later I don't know I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Either I had met this guy in the club or outside while smoking but I knew we walked back to my apartment and had sex. He was wearing a white t-shirt and by the time he left he was covered in red lipstick. His white t-shirt looked like he had been shot and bleeding. I have no idea who that guy was but every time I went out after that night I looked to see if I saw a face that was semi familiar. I am sure if I ever saw his face it would trigger my memory and I would know that is who it was.
Of course it has been five years since that event took place so I am no longer trying to figure out who the guy was and the days that followed I seemed to go back to my normal, drunk, nervous self.
If someone ever asked me if there was ever a time I felt I had lost my mind it would be those two days. The strange thing is I am not embarrassed even now by it. I wouldn't change those events from happening. If anything I am more curious by my behavior at the time.