There are reasons why I don't hang out with people. A lot of times I just don't feel very well. Outside of anxiety I am very wore out. Many days I walk around in a state of fatigue. I have random dizzy spells, feel like I have not slept, sometimes my heart is pounding or skipping, and in general just feel ill. Many times people in general, family, doctors assume this is because of my anxiety. But I do not live in a constant state of high anxiety. Even when my life is calm for several months at a time and I am "happy" I still continue to have these issues.
It is assumed it is because I don't do enough activities. When I had a job and would hang out with friends the symptoms were there and worse because I was using more energy that I did not have.
I would have anxiety at work and combined with the extreme fatigue it became unbearable. I am surprised some days I did not just collapse.
At my last job I would stand at work checking people in and out of the motel I was working at. I would smile at them and answer all their questions. To the outside world I would look fine. But here is what really was happening. My vision was going in and out as my heart fluttered, all I wanted to do was go to sleep because I was so tired, I would get cramps and since the bathroom was right in the office area I would block myself a room at the motel. I would just take it out of service and say it was out of order. When I couldn't take the pain from the cramps any longer I would go to that room and go to the bathroom. Other times I would go to that room and throw up. Usually if my heart is skipping bad enough when I vomit it stops.
Before I get all the e-mails telling me to have my heart checked I have. Since I was 16 years old I have had stress tests, EKG's, echo's, holter monitors both 24 hour and 48 hour. Nothing ever shows up. My heart has never skipped while I have been having any test done. And since I have anxiety frankly I am blown off.
When I am working and living a normal life I am told by people, family and doctors that I am doing too much and that is why I am wore out. Well I know many people who do way more than me and they are not wore out. Also which is it? Am I doing too much or too little? Depending on what I am doing that is the excuse that is given to me as to why this is happening. "It is muggy out, too hot, too cold, because I smoke, because I slept too little, because I slept too long, I didn't sleep the right hours, didn't eat the right foods" I am no idiot no one lives a perfect life and they generally do not feel like me.
O.K. now the other reason I don't hang out with people. Most gay men want sex all the time and because of my checkered past and activities I do online they assume I want sex as well. Most gay men do not respect if you have a boyfriend and assume you will sleep around. If you go to gay.com they want to know if you are "lookin", Sign on Skype and they want cam sex, same with yahoo chat. In person gay men want sex, they talk about how hot it would be to blow me, fuck me, me fuck them, eat my cum, swallow their load. What they don't know is there are very few people in this world I would have sex with. In fact sex for the most part now grosses me out. The last thing I want is some strangers dick in my mouth so I can get gonorrhea in my throat or some other STD. Most gay men (or people in general) don't even know you can get STDs from oral sex.
As for other people. Most are complete idiots and trust me you have way more fun hanging out with me than I do hanging out with you. When I am with you I can't talk about anything serious or in dept because your don't read any books...ever. Your life is wrapped up in what so and so said, some tv show, why you are in a fight with your neighbor, landlord, boss, coworker. The truth of the matter is I don't care. It is beyond boring for me to listen to you. You can't even begin to relate to my life and worse you don't want to. You choose (even if you don't realize it) to remain an idiot. Many of the people I have hung out with can't even name the vice president and have no general knowledge of science, health or current events. Unless they just heard it come out of the TV set, then they will repeat that, never questioning if it is correct information or not.
For so long I pretended to like most of you, dumbed myself down for you, made you laugh while most of the time I was cringing inside. I pulled this off by drinking a lot of alcohol. When I was drunk you all seemed more fun. Then the drug would wear off and reality set in that I was with a bunch of boobs. I know there must be other people near by that are like me. I have found a few online that are very cool but so far away. Not everyone can be this stupid. I long for the day that I have friends in real life that challenge my mind and make me feel like the dumb one.
As for the people who may be reading this and thinking I am talking about them. I might be but don't get all in a huff because I also might not be talking about you. Some people in my life are better than others and by no means is this about everyone of them. Don't ask me though if I am referring to you because I will say no even if I am.