Friday, July 18, 2008

Myself and Other People

I often wonder what it is like to have people really care for me. I don't mean be in love with me or want sex from me but really deeply care about me as a person. I don't think I have ever had that and if I did in my past I must have pushed those people away. Why I would have pushed them away I don't know.

I find in friendships, relationships and family I play this role and that role is of the fixer. When there is a fight or disagreement I am the one who fixes it. No one has ever come to me to say they were sorry except maybe childhood friends. My mother will call if we have an argument a few days later but just talk like nothing happen. To get an apology would require me to tell her that she hurt me or that I didn't feel that what she said was nice and why but no apology is offered up on it's own. My father I can honestly say has never said he was sorry for anything...only time passes... it is never discussed...then eventually things return to normal and I am the one who forgives.

Relationships are the same for me I am the one who ends the argument. The one who says "no don't go", "we can work this out", or do what my mother does let some time pass and act like nothing has happened. I will say a fight was my fault when it is and I will always take 50% of the responsibility for a fight even when sometimes it is not 50% my fault at all.

In friendships I ignore hurt words and ignore behavior or actions that are dangerous to the person so they do not become upset with me. Most of my friendships are a one way street. They come to me with their problems and I listen. My problems are less valid and I accept it.

I really do not want to be alone and I also want to be loved so badly that I allow myself to be a doormat at times. I sometimes feel that I can't complain after all none of these people ever hit me (except one person but that relationship is over). Many times I assume it is just me.

I always wondered what it was like to have a close family. Some of my friends growing up did and I always liked being at their house. They had fun together and it was stress free. I have a sister who is 15 years older than me and lives about a mile from me but I have not seen here since 2003. Pretty much the only family I talk to are my parents.

For the most part I believe in the law of attraction so on some level I must be attracting this situation to myself. I would like to meet more people in real life but the agoraphobia prevents that a lot of times or at least makes it a longer process. If I had to pick one positive thing about having an anxiety disorder it would be that it shows other peoples true character.

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