Friday, July 11, 2008


Long before I ever had anxiety I seemed to have lack of energy. Though I had more energy when I was younger I tired easier than the other children. I don't know if that is because I had a lung problem since birth that was not discovered till my early 20's or not.

Some days I feel so wore out I want to just cry. For awhile I thought maybe I had chronic fatigue syndrome but I don't seem to match up with the symptom list except being wore out.

A few months before I found out about my lung I started sleeping 17 to 20 hours a day. The people I lived with insisted I was depressed as did my mother. I kept telling them I wasn't depressed I was just so tired. About 6 months before I got this pain once in awhile nothing big...but sometimes I would get this flicking feeling that only lasted a few seconds and was on my upper right back. I never felt that before and even said to my mother that maybe I should get a chest x-ray and she said "you have no health insurance and that will be expensive...there is nothing wrong with your lungs, it's just anxiety"

Well as we all know now it wasn't anxiety. I really did require that much sleep at the time. I did not even feel sick just very very tired. I use to spend the few hours I was awake going over to John's house (a friend of mine who is in a wheel chair) which lead to a fight with me and Alison who I was living with at the time. I remember her statement "You need help Brian all you do is sleep and Sousa" (Sousa is John's last name) He always laughed at that statement and repeated "sleep and Sousa" at random times years later and laughed.

I wonder at times how much of my tiredness is cause by my smoking...though I know other smokers and while they cough some are very active and most live normal lives. I honestly can't stop smoking yet and it really sucks. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am in a good enough place mentally or physically to stop right now. Though I think about quitting a lot.

I have a hard time explaining to people the level of fatigue I have. For example right now I should go to the supermarket but it is not even anxiety that is stopping me. I am tired (I slept 9 hours by the way I am happy about that and needed it for the past few days I have not slept well at all)

I can't get myself moving. I will sit here some days and not shower for two days because I am tired. Sometimes I want food from the kitchen and I don't get up for 20 minutes because I am tired. Like the anxiety some days are better and I will get energy and feel like I am alive again. Most days I feel half dead and though I want to live to be old (a goal of mine) I can't imagine another 60 years of being this tired.

As a teen I had blood work done to see if I had anemia or mononucleosis because I was so tired. Though I would give anything to have that level of fatigue again since each year it seems to get worse.

I don't even bring it up anymore to therapists or doctors because if you say "I am so tired some days I just want to cry" they say "sounds like depression" but the only reason why I felt sad in the first place was because I was so tired I feel crippled by it. Any tiredness I have is anxiety and depression according to them and I don't find that to me true esp. since I had this before those problems set in.

Things I would like to have I do not have the money for right now. I would like to walk but getting ready to go outside will drain me and some days I have I would like a tread mill...not to run on just to walk on while I watch tv. I think the decent ones are about $500 dollars. My laptop died by the way. I no longer have my own computer. Just Keith's desktop (which I used a lot for when I was on there). He does not mind that I use it because he has a laptop. My desktop died two years ago it has multiple problems.

I told my mom about the computer situation but she just said "oh" I was hoping for "maybe for xmas we can get you a laptop" but it's not my money anyway and it seems selfish to expect a replacement. She said "Well if the computers are broke why do you keep them and not throw them out?" I said "For parts when other things break" and she said "So what are you going to do keep keeping old computers and fill your house up" like I am some fucking loon..I told her she did not know what she was talking about and the subject changed.

They are in Canada now she called me from her cell phone at the duty free shop to ask what kind of cigarettes I smoked because they were $28 a carton. It was a stressful conversation because her cell was cutting in and out so bad I had to repeat things 10 times or more. I finally asked if there was just a pay phone she could call me from and she said "noooo there is no pay phone" I am sure there was but she thinks pay phones are expensive...which they aren' me anyway.

I told here from now on if she calls me to call from the hotel. She needs a new cell phone seriously when she goes to cape cod in mass. it has the same problem. I have other people call me from those areas and they sound fine. She also has this habbit of yelling into the cell phone or not holding it like a normal person so I can't understand her. I hate when she calls me from the cell phone period.

Not to mention she is losing her mind literally. She can't remember many things unless it is something she does all the time like her part time job. She can watch a movie and a week later has no idea what it was about unless you remind her a lot then it pops back in to her mind. Same with books and conversations with me. Sometimes she insists she told me something she didn't. My father is not much better though my mom is worse. She refuses to tell the doctors because she does not want to know what is wrong. She claims it is everyone her age but (and I can't say this to her) I use to hang out with and even slept with guys her age and they were a lot sharper. Her older sister died from Alzheimer's and her mother most likely had it as well.

Everyone has such interesting ideas about anxiety and different theories. Sometimes I wish hundreds of us could work together with federal funding to carry out our own experiments and trials...we might get a lot further than some companies do...we seem to be very creative people and come up with good ideas :-)

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