Saturday, June 6, 2009


I talk a lot about the physical symptoms I am having and not a lot about the emotional ones that I have been having for years and some new ones now. So I figure I will make this post about that.

I am scared. Scared to death of a lot of things and I am depressed and angry.

Because of anxiety I am not able to do much of anything. I am a prisoner in my own house and body. I want so badly to just be normal and be able to go places. I can't go to the store, to concerts, hang out with people, work, and now drive my car.

Medical stuff causes my anxiety to go off the charts esp. now. I see what my mom is going through with her cancer and I just couldn't do it, at least without completely losing my mind. It would be nothing short of a pure nightmare for me. Even thinking about the stuff that makes me nervous makes me feel tense inside and sometimes I get a feeling like I am going to have a mental break down.

I am also scared because I don't have any "safety people" right now. It takes a long time of in person hanging out and a certain personality to become a "safety person". My mom is one, but she is going through too much to be one right now.

I am depressed because I am scared of what is wrong with me (i.e. my heart), my mother being sick and maybe losing her to cancer. I am depressed because I am not normal and I know it. I miss the old days when I was happier. I just don't feel close to anyone or anything anymore and even the few people I do I have such a mental block that I can't make a positive move in that direction.

I am heart broken still from my break up, which you would think I would be over..I mean it has been 6 months. I am depressed because I can't drink alcohol because I just want to wash all these feeling away (and if I thought for a second it wouldn't make me sick or worse feeling I would drink). I am also depressed because meds don't help and seem to mess me up more. I don't know if what the xanax did to me is permanent or not nor can I get anyone to believe it did something to me. I can't even stop smoking and my lungs hurt to breath when I wake up and like a crackhead I go right back outside and smoke knowing what it is doing to me.

I am angry because I am not young anymore. I would give everything I had just to be 21 again. I miss the fun and the feeling of youth (It bothers me that I will never be young again). The excitement of everything like new love and getting a new apartment with your messed up friends...just everything is more exciting when young. I miss the parties and the drunken nights of sex and actually having a sex drive. I am angry that my father is not there for me and that even though I love my parents esp. my mom I know that they fucked me up bad. And I am angry about how much I am missing out on things.

Sometimes I am so worried that I am going to crack and just be put away. I feel completely frozen in time and unable to fix myself or get anyone to not just listen, but really hear me for once in my life and to really get me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Alcohol doesn't drown your sorrows. It irrigates them. (Hang in there!)