Monday, June 29, 2009

My mom is home

My mom came home from the hospital today at 5pm. She looks pale and like she lost weight. I only saw her for about a minute because she had to go to the bathroom as soon as she got home and then she went to bed.

I slept still about 430pm today. I was up till almost 9am this morning. I am not sure why, but I couldn't sleep.

I wish I didn't cry so much. I will be sitting on the back porch and suddenly tears just flow up into my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I keep wiping them off in case a neighbor can see me.

When I first wake up for hours my stomach feels sick and I can't eat at all. When I came inside my father was in the kitchen and I said that I still felt sick to my stomach and it has not lifted yet. He didn't say anything and just walked away to another room. It hurts when people don't say something even if I sound like a broken record. I know I say I am sick a lot, but is because I actually do feel sick. I keep telling people because I am scared and it is worse for me not to say anything and hold it all in.

Even if it is not true I feel like no one in my family cares that I am suffering. I feel like I am just some person they wish would go away or just snap out of being sick so they wouldn't have to listen to me anymore.

This guy I was talking to online who I think seems nice asked me on a date. I told him it wasn't him, but I can't even go to the corner of my block right now. He seems like a nice person and I hope we continue to talk online. I am a little scared once he sees the scope of what is going on with me he will slowly disappear.

I am also a little worried that if I actually met him I would start crying and scare him off. Not to mention I am not comfortable crying in front of people I don't know well. It just makes me look crazy and weak.

So I promised myself I would list 5 good things in my next blog:

1) I saw a squire with a redish white tail this morning which looked interesting
2) My mom is home
3) I can still walk
4) A bunny came in through the fence into the yard and I could see him up close
5) It is sunny out today


Marie said...

It is bad when the fact that you can walk makes your list. :) I hear ya. i know Joe gets tired of hearing that I do not feel good. And he gets frustrated because he believes there is nothing physically wrong with me. He wants me to go to the doctor to help set my mine at ease. Hello! I can not get 5 blocks to Rite Aid for goodness sakes. I know darn well that my rotting tooth has a lot to do with feeling so blah all the time. It was supposed to get pulled about 4 years ago. But I am too scared. It sucks. I am constantly worrying about having a heart attack. I do the simplest thing and my heart just races. Like walk up my stairs. Joe tries to tell me that the reason is that I do NOTHING all day and have not for months. And yes that makes sense. I had an echocardiogram last year and it was fine. My cardiologist says my heart is fine. But I am convinced they are missing something. Anytime you are down in PA you can stop in and cry as much as you want. Or we can Skype. :)

Brian Underwood said...

Thanks Marie. Maybe someday I will get to PA :)