Saturday, June 20, 2009

How did I get here

Today I feel angry and upset. I want to feel well and not have this constant tension that I seem to live in. I can not tell what is stress or something else wrong with me. I know that I am never able to take a deep breath comfortably, but I also know I can not think of a time in over a decade where I just felt relaxed and at peace...maybe when I was drunk, but even then I remember feeling tension and awful, the alcohol just seemed to cover how I felt. It seems to be what everything does, just covers what I am experiencing.

Many times I feel like a caged animal trapped in this house, not only does anxiety keep me in here, but feeling like complete crap does as well. I feel to weak and ill to do pretty much anything. After I woke up today for example, I cleaned a little bit of my room up, this left me feeling breathless during it and tension in my chest, but at the same time I just wanted to cry, so I can't tell what is causing what. Is all this upsetness causing me to feel this sick, or and I upset because I feel so sick? I don't even know anymore. What I do know is I feel really bad most of the time. Literally I stay on my bed, on my computer in my room. There is nothing else to do anyway and even if there was I actually feel so ill that I would still stay in bed, on my computer, till I had a small moment of feeling OK.

It would be nice to meet new people, but what concerns me the most is I know the second they were kind to me or asked how I was doing I would breakdown in tears and possibly scare them off. Usually when you meet people it is the happy nice to meet you phase and not the hold me I am falling apart and to scared to help myself phase.

Outside of anxiety I have so much going on inside my body and so many reactions to food, that I can't even get it all out in a doctors office and when I start listing so many different things they just think I am mental anyway.

I wish more than anything in this world to someday date or be friends with a doctor, that is the only way they will see what is happening. The 10 minutes here and there in a doctors office just isn't cutting it. I could prove so much of it too, for example all I would have to do is drink and Ensure or eat a few starbursts and within 15 minutes I will have that pressure in my chest and a racing/pounding heart rate that will last for about an hour. This happens with almost all processed foods. I have been reduced to blending fruits and vegetables either in OJ or water so I don't get the reaction. Other times because I can't live on just fruit and vegetables I have to eat processed food and just deal with how it makes me feel.

90% of the time I feel like I am on the verge of collapse and sometimes I get tingly all over my body for a few seconds like I am going to faint. This will happen out of no place while reading a book or just chatting online. All these things that happen to me are so unpredictable that that in itself causes anxiety, because I live in a state of never knowing what is going to happen second to second. I can't plan anything because of it. Sometimes I go to my therapist and I am fine, other times I am sick as hell and it takes every bit of energy I have to go because I feel so ill.

I feel poisoned like my body is a toxic waste dump and I have no clue why. Someone mentioned to me that maybe I should get a body scan to make sure nothing is wrong. I have thought of that myself a few times, but here is the problem. I am so scared of stuff like that since there is a needle involved I won't do it. I am too scared and I would feel so sick from my anxiety doing something like that the idea just takes my breath away. I have painted myself into a corner. I am so nervous and fearful I will not do anything to help myself anymore, yet I sit here terrified of what is wrong.

I see everyone else having a life and I want one too. I just want to feel at peace and well. I would also like for someone to come into my life that I can relate too intellectually that has the same interests I do. How I am going to meet that person sitting in my bedroom I don't know.

My mom spent the past few days throwing up from here chemo and sleeping. The nurse came yesterday and removed the chemo. I think she doesn't do anymore for two weeks. I know she sees doctors this Thursday and Friday.

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