Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Other Night

The night that my mother found out the cancer spread to her liver she was eating dinner and said in a joking way "I told dad that if anything happens to me you are going to have to learn to cook." I told her "Me? I only blend stuff mostly now, he will get two large cups of blended fruit and I will say drink up." she laughed then turned right to crying and said "I am going to miss you guys so much when I am gone." It was heartbreaking. My father just continued eating and didn't say anything. I said "Mom you aren't going to miss us. You are going to be OK." I felt like I was half lying to her. She cried for a few minutes, then was watching TV.

She seems to get these crying spells in waves as do I. I tend to cry late at night when I am out in the backyard smoking or in my bedroom. I know for myself I am crying about my mom being sick and for me with everything I have gone through and continue to go through as I try to fight my way back to the old me. That is my goal for now, get back to the old me. Granted the old me is not that great, but when I get there then I will make some choices as to what to do for myself and how to go about things.

The only recent emotion I saw my father have was soon after my mom told him the cancer was in her liver now. He walked out the front door and stood on the walkway for a minute then came back inside. I know he is feeling something. I just wish he was not so closed down emotionally like he always is. He has to go get his cholesterol checked again soon because it was high, then through a diet I gave to my mother it went down. However his triglycerides went up, so he was working on that. Since my mom has gotten sick though, he is not eating as healthy as he was and with all his repressed stress I am sure it is back up.

I had a dream last night that I had lung cancer and the doctors were talking about removing two lobes of my lung and starting chemo on me. I have been having a lot of dreams like that recently. I know it is because of what is happening to my mother. Also I know the dreams are happening because of my own real fears now of cancer and my lack of faith that I could get through something like that with out having a completely meltdown.

No comments: