Monday, June 22, 2009

I can't breathe well

For awhile now when I wake up my bronchial tubes tingle bad when I inhale. I am careful to never take a deep breath when I first wake up because if I do it feels like I have inhaled fiber glass, hurts like hell and I will have a coughing fit. The lung that I have had surgery on years ago hurts as well at the bottom of it all day. That has been going on for years and I never get an answer as to why. This all comes along with heaviness in my chest. I have noticed when I do inhale and it hurts my heart rate flies up for awhile. I still have a poor appetite.

What really suck is the doctors do not believe me and I have seen many. What sucks more is my anxiety is stopping me from pushing them to do something because I am too frightened. I am very aware that I am going to have to drug myself again with a different pill because I can't do this alone otherwise. I am completely alone because my mom is too sick to help me get through it...there is no one else that I am comfortable with.

My main concern is what the hell will the next pill I take do to me? I can't take anymore side effects. Part of the fear of taking something new is after what just happened to me and no doctor believing me, what if something happens again? Will they just ignore me? I am seriously suffering and I am highly pissed off and scared.

I don't even like writing in this blog anymore. It is like come read my sorry life. I doubt I would even read it, it is depressing.

My mom was taken to the ER a few hours ago. She was not eating for a few days because of the chemo, bad cramps and vomiting. She is definitely losing way more fluid than was going in. She only had about 4 oz. of gatorade and a cup of water in the past 24 hours. She called her nurse and she said to go to the ER because she could have a bowel obstruction.

On a side note about my breathing I am so angry at myself for ever starting smoking when I was a teenager. I most likely have done permanent damage and I only have myself to blame.

I had a chest xray, 24 hour heart monitor and a heart echo a few months ago. I don't even know what to do next except a lung CT scan and that is what I am scared of doing because of the needle and how I will feel for days before the test, in a complete panic all coming to a head when they start the test. There is a good chance I would faint and since that is a major phobia of mine and I hate fainting I feel trapped by my fear and not sure if I can do the CT test if they finally order one.

I really am not sure what to do anymore because I know something is seriously wrong with me and I am not doing anything about it. Anyway I made a doctors appointment, he can get me in July 1st. I left a voice mail for my therapist last Saturday to see if I could get in to see her this Wed., but she has not returned my call and Social Services never did call back to fix the errors on my financial report. I had 10 days to have them correct it and called and left voice mails about 20 times literally. So it is now over 10 days and too late to fix it now, it has all been sent off to be approved or denied.

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