Dignity

I think I am in an interesting place. At least today I am.

I woke up today. Had two slices of toast and some orange juice. It was thundering outside so I couldn't smoke right away. Soon after I ate, I had some discomfort in my chest, not sure if the discomfort was my heart or my stomach, either way I started to cough. This eventually caused stuff to come back up, so I went to the bathroom and threw up the juice and then yellow bile and finally this thick yellow sludge. I sat there on the bathroom floor with my heart pounding hard for a few minutes.

When I came out I told my mom and nothing was said. She started talking about something else. When I said it again she got mad and tore around the house for a phone book telling me to see a different doctor. After that minor tantrum she stopped. My father came home. At this point I was sitting on the back porch and he said hi. Asked how my stomach was so I told him and he walked inside saying nothing. It is at this point I thought "dude no one cares if you are sick or if you live or die." Maybe on some level they would care if I dropped dead because after all I am their child and I am sure people who know me would care and be upset, but life would go on.

I have watched myself suffer and be sick for 5 months now. Much longer if you count all the years of feeling run down and ill, the years of throwing up when I get nervous and the very empty feeling I have felt for as long as I can remember that I filled with alcohol for many years.

I have watched people watch me suffer, family, doctors and boyfriends. I always thought why the hell won't someone validate this, to help me by being there more than a ride or someone who just shows up. Why is it that doctors never seem to get the full scope of what I am living through esp. right now when I don't have the energy anymore to fight for myself.

Over the years I have had to do everyone elses job. Inform doctors about drug interactions, tests to run on me, among other things. I have gone to them with all sorts of problems that have popped up year after year. I tell them and I am either told it is anxiety or I just get a funny look. For example when I eat many foods my heart pounds and races. That is met with just a look and I am sent on my way. The problem is just because I am given some half assed explanation or a look doesn't make it stop. So I live with it, then the next thing comes and the next. That is why at this point at age 33 I can list a ton of things I go through on a daily bases only now the list is so long from adding up over the years I just sound crazy.

I have learned that when you do have an anxiety disorder three major things will happen to you:

1) Everything that is wrong with you will not be checked because to them you are always and forever "just nervous"
2) You are too scared to actually push the issue and run tests that could cause you harm because of anxiety and fear.
3) Everyone around you will think the answer to all your problems is psych medication, they are also usually the people who know nothing about it. And completely unaware that some people get terribly sick on these drugs and some die from them.

I have also learned that no one, friends, family or doctors will be able to keep the story straight. They forget most of it and you will answer the same question over and over. Reminding doctors each time why you are not taking this or that drug, reminding them that you had a major surgery before, what the disease was called and in my case met with "what is that?" so I have to explain to them what the disease was and what it did.

I think I was born in the wrong time. I might have been better off 100 years from now. I would hope anyway.

So what did I learn today? Not to talk about it anymore because no one cares about it. Why even bother telling my parents it only hurts me in the end. I don't want to die, but I am making peace with it in case I do. I will only tell doctors what is happening or I guess if someone asks. I just pray that any test I go through I can remain calm enough to get through it and by the grace of the universe get through this and if I die I only ask it is not painful and quick and not left crippled by anything I do to try to get well.