From now on I think I am going to write this blog to you. I don't care how crazy people think I am for doing it or what they think of me.
God I am so sick, and I have ate hardly any solid food in days, just some toast yesterday and some toast this morning. I couldn't even get to my doctors appointment yesterday because I was vomiting and sick. I need you to give me the strength to get to my next appointment on Tuesday.
I have been so sick to my stomach since Jan. 21th, my heart has been racing since March 4th and we both know that the xanax triggered all this and then the dose of paxil finished me off in March the day I fainted and the day my heart has never been the same since.
I need your help despite the fact I am angry at you sometimes. I am angry because you have the power to just heal me all at once and for some reason you won't and I have been suffering for 5 months now. I need you to give me the strength to get through this because I am so tired. I sleep all the time now. My parents who are the only ones left and doctors think I am just depressed. I need them to see I am only this depressed because I am so sick and so scared. If anyone was this ill and no one was there for them and no one believed them I am sure they would be depressed too.
Besides the strength to go on I need the following things. I need to eat. I need to feel hungry again. I have had this same can of ravioli sitting next to my bed for three days. I would like to eat it today. I have no power over my smoking and just keep doing it despite all the health problems I am currently having. I need the strength to stop and not become like a robotic zombie and just light the next one up. Of course I am scared to even ask you to help me stop smoking because the last time I did I ended up in the ER the following morning and had to end up having lung surgery, so I have been scared for years to ask you for much. Please don't hurt me.
Please keep my dreams good ones. The past few days they have been ok, in them I am usually eating and out with people or seeing a movie. My dreams are my only comfort right now and really the only escape I have.
Please let some doctor listen to me and see how sick I am. When I see him next I am going to ask for a conformation test for the H. Prlori and if that one is positive as well I am going to ask to be treated. Please let him give me that test and treat me. However I know that in some people these high doses of pills can cause horrible side effects including psychosis, please protect me from that, just let me get through it and not end up worse than I am now. The only reason why I want to treat it is because I can't help, but wonder if that is the cause of me staying so sick. I only found the word H. Pylori 20 minutes before I went to the ER back in March and lied saying some doctor wanted me checked for it, so they did and it came back positive.....was that a sign?
My mom is so sick and as upset as I am that she can't help me because I need her more than ever now I understand. Please heal her and keep her comfortable.
If this is a test I feel like I am failing it....please help.