Friday, July 3, 2009

Dear God 2

Dear God,

First I want to thank you for letting me eat that can of Ravioli yesterday and some other things. I really needed the food. I have not ate very much today, just liquids so far, so can we make this a regular thing where I can eat some everyday. I would be happy with a 1000 calories for now. I need to stay alive and not get weaker.

Why does everyone think this is all in my head? I actually had someone tell me last night online that I am only getting worse mentally and better get a hold of myself or I am going to end up six feet under. I hope that is not true. What exactly am I suppose to get a hold of? Just stop my heart from beating so fast, make my breathing issues go away, stop vomiting, make my body take food when it won't, having chest tightness, make people magically appear that are stable, make my father be a father? These are not made up "all in my head" issues.

I did get an email from a woman that said it took her six months for her heart rate to return to normal after xanax. I hope that is true for me, but I am not sure since mine seemed to have gone up after that single dose of paxil. I don't know what pill did what anymore, just that they both messed me up. I will continue to ask you to reverse the damage done by those medications.

I am tried of explaining myself over and over esp. to my parents. They can't understand why if I am burping up acid why I wouldn't take a drug like pepcid. How many time do I have to tell them that you can't take those kind of drugs two weeks before you have a bowel sample for H. Pylori or it can give a false reading? I don't pull this information out of thin air..I am tired of people thinking I am completely mad.

I do not deny I have bad anxiety, but this is not what is happening to me, however being this sick, alone and no one getting this is not in my head only fuels the anxiety, as does having to go through more tests with a bad anxiety problem. I am not housebound from anxiety right now. I am housebound from being sick. I am not going to run around town on little food and a heart rate in the 140's so people can smile at how well I am doing because I am done acting. I need you to give me the strength to control my anxiety and depression from all that has gone on, is going on and might go on, so people stop thinking all this is in my head while I am suffering.

I need you to start sending people into my life, ones that are not drunk every night, running around partying, but good solid people, so I can have someone to talk too that will either understand or at least be an outlet for me to open up too, so I don't feel so alone in this situation.

My urine is turning dark as well, not all the time, but I am constantly drinking fluids so I don't understand why. Can you fix that as well?

And when my father made that statement that "Well talking to you won't help anyway." and I said "Really, talking to me wouldn't help to make me feel more comfortable and less alone in this situation?" and he continued to eat and my mom just said "I have cancer and I am not going to fight with you." and then my father said "I am not going to fight with you either." Why can't they see I am not fighting. I am scared and alone. I have no support system in place at all. At this point I feel to ill to even start building one...and where would I even start? Please help me to build one. Online people are nice, but they just aren't here.


Iwona said...

Dear Brian,
oh how well I understand what you mean by loneliness and the lack of support system...I am agoraphobic and addicted to xanax, and I have ONLY internet friends. My "real" friends have their own lives and they don't give a d**n if I'm dead or alive - trust me, I learned about this the hardest way possible (a suicide attempt followed by my Mother almost dying in her suicide attempt - she's Bipolar). When I was in the hospital after the OD, not a single one of them visited me.
I'd been in a long relationship, but it of course ended because of the fact that my then future in-laws couldn't face up to the fact that I'm "NUTS" (as my BF's father nicely put it!)...

How can one start building a support system when people turn away from you?
You see, I'm thousands of miles away from you, but suffer almost exactly the same (I'm in Poland).
And the docs don't care when I complain about my constant dyspnea (in a big way!), my headaches, my inability to eat because of high levels of anxiety...
I think one day without all this would be a true blessing. one single day. But we won't get it.

Anonymous said...

Your heart is ok now (your twitter stats)... it looks like god listens... i hope you will be feeling better and better from now. M.