Monday, January 10, 2011


So, last night I know I had dreams, but for the first time in a few days I have no memory of them. I actually slept pretty sound, that is always a plus.

So, today is Monday. Tomorrow Keith goes back to work and I am suppose to call a gastro doctor. Seems like the days have moved very fast to the day I said I would call. Now I feel tense. I don't even want to call. I want to stay in complete denial. I want to wait another week. Right or wrong...I wonder if I will?

Somehow calling makes it all too real for me. Something I am not even ready to deal with. I don't want to face anything at all. What I really want is to go to sleep and wake up when it is all over. I hate anxiety. I hate the unknown and I hate not being able to cope no matter how hard I try.

Why am I sitting around eating junk food? Why the hell am I chain smoking? Why do I feel so ill (like normal anyway) that any normal person who felt this way would take themselves to the ER. How can I actually sit here like this? What am I waiting for? Where are all the people that I assumed someday would save me from myself? Oh, there are no is me who has to save me....will I actually do that?

Do people really think when they tell me "You better :blank:" or "You need to do :blank:". That I will actually listen to them? Do they think suddenly all fear leaves and their words magically will replace the fear that binds me and I will just do it?

How did I ever allow myself to get to this place? Why am I like this to begin with? Shouldn't my fear motivate me? Maybe it will given enough time.

Have I been so traumatized and shocked by things that I have become complacent?

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