Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Dreams Continue

Funny that for the past two days I made videos discussing dreams. Last night was another doozy. I know really it is all being caused because I have myself all worked up and just a lot of life situations happening all at once. I will get to those dreams in a bit.

I also find it amusing that some people (mainly family and doctors) think I can not tell the difference between my anxiety issues and real illness. For example, yesterday it was all anxiety. I went to a local convenient store to get some sandwiches and a salad. First, I had to clean the snow off my car and for no reason at all other than an internal feeling, I felt rushed.

When I got to the store there were two people in line before me and there were also a lot of people around me. My heart was racing (from cleaning off my car) and I suddenly felt confined. This was triggered by the crowd and I felt the line was going too slow. This woman in front of me was repeatedly asking questions about different coffees to the cashier.

That is when it hit. I wanted to leave the store. I just wanted to get out and get fresh air. Of course I stayed. It was anxiety and I knew it. Everything I was feeling was anxiety. I pushed through and got the food I needed. When I got to my car the feeling left me somewhat. Another proof it was just anxiety. I know my body well and it angers me when others claim I can't tell the difference. It was not fun, it was awful actually, but not dangerous and I knew it. It was my mind playing tricks on me plain and simple.

Ok so to the dream last night. First one, I was sleeping in bed and a cousin of mine who briefly molested me as a child was there. I woke to him holding a knife to my throat and managed to get him to believe I was not mad. He took the knife away from my throat and then at some point realized I was faking. He went at me and sliced my right hand by my thumb. I ran to the kitchen to where my parents were and picked up the phone to call 911, since I was being attacked. My parents tried to talk me out of it and said something like "You don't have to go that far, he will be arrested and doesn't know what he is doing." I called anyway and the police came and he was arrested.

Later in that dream I became paranoid that I wouldn't know when he was released from jail, so I asked the police to tell me when he was. They refused. So every day in the dream when I came home I would check all the rooms scared he was hiding, waiting to kill me.

That dream ended and now this is the second dream continuing later in the night, after I briefly woke up:

In the second dream I am at the house I grew up in and my sister is there. She seems annoyed that I had my cousin arrested and said "Why would you call the police and report something you aren't even sure happened?" I said "What are you talking about? Do you think I have these stitches in my hand for no reason? And beside you may not know this, but he molested me when I was little." She had this shameful look like I was crazy and said "What happened too you? You use to look up to your great nephew even." and I said "What? My great nephew is five years old...why would I look up to a five year old?" Again a look of "poor you for being so confused".

I decided to leave and went outside. Shortly after being outside there was my cousin, released from jail standing with this giant sword. He said something like "Now you will pay" and I ran and woke up. I didn't return to sleep after that.

Again all this is really coming up so vividly because of stress. I usually only half remember my dreams.

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