Sunday, January 2, 2011

It always falls apart in the end.

About 2 months ago I went to the bathroom and noticed some blood, but I wasn't sure. Sometimes my lower left colon is tender. Then nothing again was seen, so I thought maybe it was just food. A few days ago when I went there was blood. It was no mistaking it this time, followed by my colon being tender for a few days. I mentally broke minutes later. I threw up right away and spent the rest of the night and coming days crying on and off. I have been eating just not too well because of the stress. I don't deal well with stuff like this. My mother having colon cancer and its recent return has just taken me to a very bad place when I saw the blood.

I am very good at living in denial about how awful I have felt for the past 2 years now, but the blood is so in your face it is the straw that broke the camels back. So I immediately did myself the disservice of reading stats on how often colons are perforated during colonoscopy. It is not as rare as one would hope. I then looked at the drugs used and the side effects from them during the test. After that I felt worse and threw up again. Now my anxiety is in full force. I have to call a doctor and haven't yet.

I am scared with the way I feel and how my heart is how I will even get through the test. I am scared what they will find. If not cancer, what? A disease that requires me to have colon-scopes every 2 to 5 years so I can then have a complete melt down that it will never end for me?

I am tired, tired of what I have lived through from the lung surgery to the benzo withdrawal and now this. What I am more sick of is my inability to cope with stress and falling apart at the drop of a hat. I don't even want to be online anymore. I just want to leave the internet for a year and if I am ok and still alive come back Jan. 2012. I would only have to sign on to pay my bills.

I hate sitting here with this pit in my stomach because I can't have a 100% guarantee that nothing won't happen to me. To everyone that is life, to me for some reason it destroys me. I get horrible fears that I will end up crippled at the mercy of others. I am scared of suffering both mentally and physically. I am tired of always feeling so empty and ill.

It is not that no one has ever offered to help. It is that the stress of a new person around me while I feel like complete shit makes me feel worse, way worse. I also don't want anyone to see me falling apart. It is embarrassing for me even if they don't care and I will use what little energy I have left trying to "act" OK for them.

People have often asked me why do I always think I will get the rare side effects or that bad things will happen to me? Because I do get them and have had a lot of bad stuff happen. I am so shell shocked by it all. I expect the worst. I am scared not to expect it is almost as if "thinking positive" has become a bad luck charm.

While I know that others out there have it worse than me it just seems they cope with it a hell of a lot better.

1 comment:

oz sheila said...

Your brain is doing your bowels over - stress does manifest physically- at the moment you're in a vicious circle, so for some breathing space try some acupuncture to help bring the anxiety to a managable level before attempting addressing anything else. TCM dos not 'recognise' mental health as a seperate entity/issue but is addressed with the whole system, although working the 'ghost points' have a mental focus.

I can only say that this is the only way I've been able to manage my own anxiety and sometimes homicidal urges[!]
Good luck!