Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Death Phobia

I have successfully upset myself the past two mornings. I have a pretty strong death fear which is why the "xanax/paxil extension cord" event (see video on the side bar of this blog for that story) was out of no place and the withdrawal completely changed me at that time.

I have many fears not just of death, but also of suffering. I don't want to be helpless in some nursing home or crippled either. Death worries me because if there is nothing, that is the end of me...of course if there is nothing after I won't feel upset about it because I will be gone, however for now I am alive and can worry about this. I actually cry over this in the shower or while driving or whenever ..I think about this often actually.

I will be gone from this Earth and to be honest I am such a wonderful person. I don't think anyone has truly seen that about me yet. I have so much to offer and I am always so sick. I know death will come early for me. It is so sad and no amount of "try not to think about it" or "find God" will help me...no matter what I do or what anyone says ..I will disappear forever...I was here and someday no one will ever know I was. It will be like I never existed at all.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I feel like that sometimes, too. I am not an atheist but I still don't want to die. I want to see what happens in the world 40-50 years from now (I'm in my early 60's so consider myself on the downside of life). I love the change of seasons, my family, people, life in general. When I find myself being mentally sucked into the fear and realization that my days are numbered, I remember people I know who died young and never even got to live a life. I look at being dead as how I feel when I am asleep...unaware of everything that is going on around me and not really caring as I am asleep. Maybe that's where the phrase "dead to the world" comes from when describing someone who is sound asleep. The best we can do is take the life we have and use it to make other people's lives better...be kind, considerate and smile often. After all, not everyone is as morbid as we are. No use fighting the inevitable. When you start to feel depressed about it, try to replace the thought with something pleasant. Good luck.