I have successfully upset myself the past two mornings. I have a pretty strong death fear which is why the "xanax/paxil extension cord" event (see video on the side bar of this blog for that story) was out of no place and the withdrawal completely changed me at that time.
I have many fears not just of death, but also of suffering. I don't want to be helpless in some nursing home or crippled either. Death worries me because if there is nothing, that is the end of me...of course if there is nothing after I won't feel upset about it because I will be gone, however for now I am alive and can worry about this. I actually cry over this in the shower or while driving or whenever ..I think about this often actually.
I will be gone from this Earth and to be honest I am such a wonderful person. I don't think anyone has truly seen that about me yet. I have so much to offer and I am always so sick. I know death will come early for me. It is so sad and no amount of "try not to think about it" or "find God" will help me...no matter what I do or what anyone says ..I will disappear forever...I was here and someday no one will ever know I was. It will be like I never existed at all.