Three Emails To Ben

Below are 3 emails I wrote this morning to my friend Ben. I did not include his replies to me because I did not ask if it was ok. However you can pretty much figure out things he asked by my own replies to him.

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Email 1:

I never ended up falling asleep instead I upset myself and cried for an hour, Keith called me from work I cried to him on his 15 min break...he told me not to worry, I do anyway about a lot of stuff. I read a blog about secretly wanting to suffer. I posted it on facebook, maybe on some level I do want to suffer, even if I don't.

I have decided to go to bed when I cant stay up anymore.

I was crying because I don't feel my body is working correctly or as well as I want it too. This of course weighs on my mind. And even if it is "broke" not like I can do anything about it today so no idea why I dwell on it.

I am aware that on some level I am unbalanced.

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Email 2:

Thanks for offering for me to cry on you and stuff, you are right though I wont. I am interesting when it comes to that...my mind will be "normal" and pull itself together around "new" people. I have no control over it, so its not like I am acting, it just refuses to let things go. I think that is why I have a hard time at therapists as well. I lose contact with that is upsetting me and become someone else..which is why one time I wrote stuff out and gave it to the therapist and she said "I don't really like to read things...I rather just talk in person" lol...hmm ok then here is forced, fake me hehe..

Yea I spent some time thinking about the "wanting to suffer" thing...I found it because on google I searched "I secretly want to suffer" only because someone a long time ago told me I did and that article came up.

On some level I must want too, but also I think I am in a very high state of survival instinct. I guess if normal people are a 3, I am a 9 or 10 on the dial. Any thing that my brain deems as dangerous will cause a great deal of stress for me...now with something bad actually happening to me, no doctor believing me and my fear of the medical tests, all the unknown has my brain on high alert...also the benzo withdrawal was so awful on many levels..I am traumatized over it still, I don't know if anything I feel is still damage from that or something new happening to me, completely unrelated and that "unknown" generates my brain to stay active and not relax ever.

I mean my very first thought as soon as I woke up today was "Crap, I hope Propofol isn't cross reactive with Demerol." (its not), but that just shows a brain on overdrive...trying to think fast enough to save "the self" from injury or death..in the process it is causing depression, anxiety and discomfort. Because the doctors were all so ill informed about prolonged benzo withdrawal and I had to go through that suffering without help, now its like my brain is trying to learn at lightning speed to out think the doctors and no more than them because inside I am worried I have too because like before they wont help me, believe me, or understand what has happened. I also fear damage from a medical test like a stroke or what not because it will take away my ability to out think them and help myself...only to be at their mercy.

Yea and that is the thing. I know it can take so long to recover from the benzo thing, so I worry if I get a test and some drug used flares it back up, then I will be very upset esp. if the test comes back normal...and on the other side of the coin what if I assume it to be benzo related, ignore it, don't do a test and end up sorry later because I was wrong. I am always worried about picking the wrong choice.

I dont think a lot of people care about me. On some level I guess some do, but I wouldn't say alot...I find most people care about me, but not enough to understand me or deal with my issues. The other problem is I keep myself isolated. People at times offer help and I don't take it..I think if I ran out of all options I would...its not even a pride thing...it is more of my anxiety controlling me thing. It is hard to explain. I still think I am unbalanced hehe.

Don't get too upset over how I feel. I go in and out of emotions and this year I seem to do it very rapidly. I can spend an hour crying, then feel ok, then feel depressed only to wonder why I am so scared and then accept life for how it is, then only an hour later scared and crying again...its actually very tiring...I would worry about being bipolar, but I am never manic or even have hypomania and I seem to cycle more rapidly than other bipolars I read about lol.
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Email 3:

I think I might go to bed soon...maybe I am not sure. I was fine, then I had some gurgling in my stomach and it reminded me that I will have to maybe have tests that require sedation, that brought up all the benzo withdrawal stuff and fear of hemorrhage during or after the test (from colonoscopy and endoscopy). What scares me is even after the test is over it wouldn't be for me, some people hemorrhage days later and almost die requiring transfusions. With my blood phobia and fainting phobia..I don't know how I would cope with all those days of worrying and also if that accually was to happen to me, I am not sure I would mentally ever recover. I have a hard time recovering from small stuff.

I know these things actually happen to people because of course I have read about them happening..either written by themselves or a spouse ect ect.

The weird thing is on a rational level I know that all the worrying in the world will not change an outcome. For example when I see a dentist I am worried for weeks before that I will faint or something bad like a major side effect will happen (many people don't know if they inject the local anesthetic wrong and too much gets directly into the blood stream it can cause a seizure to occur). So anyway, I worry myself sick and usually throw up before I even go, sleep and eat poorly the day before and day of...I suffer and then I go. However I know my suffering and worry will not prevent a side effect, an error or a fainting spell from happening. Yet I worry anyway and get upset because it almost feels like if I don't I am just asking for something bad to happen.

It reminds me of a story I read a month or so ago of this 20 year old something guy who was all excited about being in the military. He had to have his gallbladder out though and his mom was all worried and he said "mom this is simple, they do it everyday" he had no worries at all.

During the surgery they cut an artery and he lost so much blood so fast and they couldn't get him help fast enough. They had to take off both his legs. He came to in ICU legless and his military career over before it started. His mother said he was badly depressed and his girlfriend was very upset. Someone could tell me about how most gallbladder surgeries go fine, but it will never matter to me because that boy as no legs and as I write this he still has no legs and 10 years from now he still won't.

Kinda like when people say well only 1 in a 100 or 1 in 1000 die from "fill in the blank" procedure or medication. They make you feel bad for worrying about it, but someone will die and their life will be gone. People and by people I mean my mother and maybe people I have dated or close friends act like that is everyone else it will happen too, but it wont happen to me. I try to explain to them I am no more special than anyone else. It could happen to me.

See stuff like this worries me

"40,000 Auto Accident Deaths; 200,000 Preventable Medical Error Deaths Every Year

The numbers emerging from a recent investigation by Hearst Newspapers are absolutely staggering: nearly 200,000 Americans are dying every year from died from medical mistakes that could have been prevented, often using simple safety procedures."

You can find the same number, (some a little less) reported by different studies. However lets cut the number in half ..say 100,000 people. People were all wigged out by 9/11 and 3000 dying ..that is like 33 9/11's happening every year almost 3 a month and that is with the number of medical deaths from mistakes cut in half.

I get very upset when I can't fix myself because the honest, truth is I lost faith in the medical community before my xanax withdrawal and now after I have none left. I need their tests sometimes, but I don't trust them to give them to me, which puts me in a bad spot.

Again I realize I can talk till I am blue in the face about this and worry nonstop, but it won't change the outcome. I think sometimes that is what I am trying to do, control the outcome and stop the unstoppable by controlling the uncontrollable.