Friday, November 20, 2009

Pissed off

Right now I am filled with so much anger. I exercised today on the treadmill for the first time in 5 days because I was not feeling to great the days before. So, I am only on program 1 (the treadmill has 4 different programs, the higher the number, the more intense the program), program 1 ranges from 2.5 to 4 mph for 30 minutes, that adds up to a mile and a half in 30 minutes.

My heart rate before getting on the treadmill is usually about 75 beats a minute, give or take 10 beats depending on the day (or time of day for that matter). During that exercise program by heart rate goes to 170-180 beats a minute at its peak. To me this seems excessive. I am not even jogging, only power walking. When I stop exercising my heart rate dropped to about 120 and slowly over an hour goes to 98 beats a minute. My heart then hangs in the 90's for several hours after exercising.

After a simple shower tonight my heart rate while standing was 110 beats a minute. Not as bad as when I was in the worst of benzo withdrawal/benzo damage because back then in the shower it was 140-150 beats a minute. This still seems excessive to me. I feel it is unacceptable. I am also pissed off that after a shower and/or after exercise I don't feel great and invigorated like other people. I feel tired, very bad fatigue, and down right ill for many hours, by ill I mean some type of acid reflux, gurgling stomach, diarrhea, pounding and racing heart. This of course leaves me highly pissed off, so I sit around till it ends. I am tired of it all and pissed when I think about is how I was blown off by that cardiologist back in April. I wish I was in better health back then and more "sane" for lack of a better word, because I should have demanded a stress test. I am still going to pursue one in time, since I have to get through these other appointments first. That is another thing, I am pissed I even have to go around to doctors trying to find out on my own if I am safe or not (and hoping to God they don't fuck me up more), and what is wrong if anything other than benzo damage (which no medical "professional" believes nor wants to understand. I swear sometimes I am worried I am going to lose control and deck one of them. I would have already, but jail doesn't seem appealing to me.

I can call Tuesday or Wed. next week to get the results of my PAD test from my primary care doctor. I really hope that test comes back normal. Thankfully and I am very grateful for the fact that I got a very nice woman who did my test. It was quick and painless, she was professional, yet very caring. I am usually stuck with some idiot who has next to no compassion and I feel like some number, some cattle being herded around. It was so nice to lay there and just have a very laid back, kind woman. Now if only I could find doctors and specialists like her.

I am going to look up how to file a formal complaint with the FDA because I want it on record about what happened to me with xanax. Once I find out how, I hope I can get the many other people out there who were damaged by these drugs to file too. Enough is enough.

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