Thursday, November 19, 2009

PAD test today

Today I have to go to the hospital for that test on my legs to check me for peripheral arterial disease. The test itself is easy from what I understand, it is just several blood pressure cuffs on my legs and an ultrasound. You know what though? I tossed and turned and woke up sideways in my bed anyway. Then shortly after waking up I cried my eyes out for an hour, as I drank grape juice and talked to my boyfriend on the phone. I feel so frightened to go. I am worried I will faint when I am there. I have a phobia of fainting, so that is enough to make me get very scared. Either way my body is so hyped up right now. Since benzo withdrawal my old anxiety is even worse and my central nervous system has become so sensitive to everything, even mild stress can feel like panic now.

I don't think even readers of this blog understand how bad my anxiety can get. I mean seriously I am a 33 year old man who is crying for an hour about having a simple test run. It is taking every bit of energy I have to slowly eat in hopes I don't end up throwing up (which I tend to do when I am nervous), take a shower and then drive myself there. I can't live like this forever. I can't take anything for this and all the woo-who people out there who think yoga, fish oil and B vitamins will get rid of this are just as bad as the doctors. I wasted many years on that crap as well, trying to fix myself and believe me if fish oil or yoga fixed you, your anxiety was not severe.

The source of my anxiety is easy to find. There is a part of my brain that is trying to find the answer to a problem it can't ever find, because it is impossible. It wants no suffering and to live forever (and before some religious person emails me I am not talking about after life, but it wants immortal human life). Everyone has that survival instinct, some more than others, but lets say a normal person is at a 15 on the scale. I am at 100 on the scale. Everything is a danger to that part of my mind. Like I said it is trying to avoid suffering and death at all costs, only in the process it is causing suffering and with all the stress maybe even an early death.

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