Sunday, September 13, 2009


Click The Picture To Make It Larger.

This picture was taken of me before my gf's prom in 1993 (I am the guy in the left of the picture). I was 17 years old (I am now 33). My anxiety had started about 2 years before this picture. About a half hour before this picture was taken I threw up in my parents bathroom. I was so nervous I cried. My mom offered me a shot of alcohol to calm myself, which I turned down.

I am currently trying to quit smoking yet again, by smoking a little as possible. Something that is happening that is scaring me right now is...every time I smoke I get a tightness in my chest. I tried to find other smokers who get this online, but I can't find any information. I also get cold hands and cold feet when I smoke now. The feeling in my chest is uncomfortable and my stomach turns. I know smoking is not good for anyone. I just wonder why this is happening now. I worry that my heart is clogged. Sometimes now after I smoke...esp. the first few cigarettes of the day I gag and get what I assume is anxiety because I have the urge to clench my teeth and feel shaky. You would think that would be enough to make me stop. However when I don't smoke for a long time the craving is so strong and I feel so miserable that I light up. Then I feel guilty over how stupid I am.

I have been crying on and off through out the days. I am not even sure why half the time. I know I am really lonely. Normally people would say to go out and meet people. I just don't feel well enough to do that with my tight chest and my anxiety issues on top of it. Besides if I meet someone new I am scared of scaring them off. I cry at the drop of a hat sometimes, plus I throw up when I get nervous and sometimes cramps (the cramps happen anyway with or without anxiety) how would I explain that?? What if they asked "Why are you so sick?" I would have to say "I don't know."

How did I let myself get into this situation? Why can't I just stop smoking? Why can't I get enough courage to get myself to a doctor and push to find out what else is going on with me psychically? Maybe I don't want to know or maybe I am just to scared. I really hope nothing is seriously wrong because of now how cigarettes make my chest tight and cold hands and feet. I honestly think I am scared enough from my anxiety to let myself die before I seek help and that worries me.

I feel like I am insane sometimes. I asked my father to bring me cigarettes today because I didn't feel well enough to get them myself. I asked him to drop them through my mail slot in my door. About 20 mins ago I heard them fall though. I do not shave or shower daily. It just seems to take more energy than I have.

I know I am depressed, that is a given. I just don't know why I am. I can't tell if I am so sick feeling and that has me down or if it is because I am alone most of the time. I don't feel loved by people, though I know people do...I just feel that the love I have is conditional as long as I am OK enough, I can't fall apart because then it will be to much for the few people I have in my life to handle and they will go away or be "disappointed" in me.

Why did I fuck my body up with everything I did over the years to it? I knew better just like I know better now and continue to make it worse. Seriously what is wrong with me? I need to somehow get a grip, I just don't know how.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I know that I do not feel exactly as you, I have never smoked. I have however, experienced extreme depression, not wanting to get up in the morning, and certainly not wanting to see anyone.
I think the thing that saved me, literally, is the support I have from family and friends. I know that you don't agree with medication for depression, and I respect that, however, I think htat helped me also.
Brian, just remember that you are not alone and that there are a lot of people in the same situation that you are. I know that really doesn't help, but hopefully, knowing that you are not alone will get you to a point of peace.
Please take care of yourself. I Have been reading your blog and it seems as though you are doing well not smoking and trying to take care of your body... that is an excellent step!
I konw that I don't know you, but I feel a bond. Please take care of yourself and let me know if you ever want to talk.