Prom

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This picture was taken of me before my gf's prom in 1993 (I am the guy in the left of the picture). I was 17 years old (I am now 33). My anxiety had started about 2 years before this picture. About a half hour before this picture was taken I threw up in my parents bathroom. I was so nervous I cried. My mom offered me a shot of alcohol to calm myself, which I turned down.

I am currently trying to quit smoking yet again, by smoking a little as possible. Something that is happening that is scaring me right now is...every time I smoke I get a tightness in my chest. I tried to find other smokers who get this online, but I can't find any information. I also get cold hands and cold feet when I smoke now. The feeling in my chest is uncomfortable and my stomach turns. I know smoking is not good for anyone. I just wonder why this is happening now. I worry that my heart is clogged. Sometimes now after I smoke...esp. the first few cigarettes of the day I gag and get what I assume is anxiety because I have the urge to clench my teeth and feel shaky. You would think that would be enough to make me stop. However when I don't smoke for a long time the craving is so strong and I feel so miserable that I light up. Then I feel guilty over how stupid I am.

I have been crying on and off through out the days. I am not even sure why half the time. I know I am really lonely. Normally people would say to go out and meet people. I just don't feel well enough to do that with my tight chest and my anxiety issues on top of it. Besides if I meet someone new I am scared of scaring them off. I cry at the drop of a hat sometimes, plus I throw up when I get nervous and sometimes cramps (the cramps happen anyway with or without anxiety) how would I explain that?? What if they asked "Why are you so sick?" I would have to say "I don't know."

How did I let myself get into this situation? Why can't I just stop smoking? Why can't I get enough courage to get myself to a doctor and push to find out what else is going on with me psychically? Maybe I don't want to know or maybe I am just to scared. I really hope nothing is seriously wrong because of now how cigarettes make my chest tight and cold hands and feet. I honestly think I am scared enough from my anxiety to let myself die before I seek help and that worries me.

I feel like I am insane sometimes. I asked my father to bring me cigarettes today because I didn't feel well enough to get them myself. I asked him to drop them through my mail slot in my door. About 20 mins ago I heard them fall though. I do not shave or shower daily. It just seems to take more energy than I have.

I know I am depressed, that is a given. I just don't know why I am. I can't tell if I am so sick feeling and that has me down or if it is because I am alone most of the time. I don't feel loved by people, though I know people do...I just feel that the love I have is conditional as long as I am OK enough, I can't fall apart because then it will be to much for the few people I have in my life to handle and they will go away or be "disappointed" in me.

Why did I fuck my body up with everything I did over the years to it? I knew better just like I know better now and continue to make it worse. Seriously what is wrong with me? I need to somehow get a grip, I just don't know how.