Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fear Of Cancer

Tonight I was sitting in my room and had a wave of anxiety....maybe more a wave of worry. I am sitting here with my pulse going fast today about 105 resting and my hands have been purple in color on and off today. That has been happening for years...I think I have bad circulation. I remember in high school in the winter my hands would turn so purple that parts became an orange color.

Anyway so I am sitting there like that and all of a sudden I realize I don't know what I would do if I got cancer. I thought about chemo and all the needles, medication and blood work that would need to be done and how my anxiety would be so high and how I would faint. If you remember I have a big fear of fainting, blood, needles and medications.

So I am sitting there and suddenly just felt awful and scared. My hands felt shaky and like an idiot I went outside to smoke to calm my fears. It is such a paradox...hey I am so scared of getting cancer lets go smoke.

After that I was peeling two oranges to blend in the blender, my hands were still shaky and I could feel my heart racing away like normal only faster because I scared myself.

I am having a hard time dealing with my moms cancer. It brings up so many fears of mine. The worst thing right now about it is soon she will have a port put in so she can have her chemo and then come home with the chemo still going in through her port for 3 days. I am scared I am going to faint from it since I don't like needles and stuff like that. I almost wonder if I will have to go back to my apartment for the few days she has it done. Yet I am scared of being alone right now and there is no one at my apartment. I feel stuck.

I am also worried about what will happen if and when she gets sick from the chemo. I am a very sensitive person..the kind of guy that will blush if someone else trips. If she has a seizure from the drugs or has any bad reaction I am scared I will faint or be traumatized by it. Again I keep putting myself in her shoes. I am scared of it happening to me and if it does I just don't know what I will do or how I will cope.

I think people really think that when I come faced with something like that I will just do it and be OK, but I won't, even with what I am going through now health wise I can't cope well...instead of pushing the doctors for more tests I am just sitting here to scared to actually push for tests because I am too scared of the tests themselves.

I feel very squeamish by many things and it makes me physically ill just thinking about it. The only way I can explain this is imagine if their was dog poop on the ground and you see some person walk up to it and rub it all over their face as they were eating it, then trying to kiss you. That feeling right their is how I feel a great deal of time..either from my own thoughts about future fears of medical things or automatic thoughts that my brain seems to just throw at me that are very graphic.

So right now I am just writing this still feeling a bit off and not really knowing what to do. I see the therapist tomorrow at 1:30pm. I wish I felt that would help, but it never has in the 18 years that I have seen different people. I try to stay positive and hope maybe she is a nice person who will finally get me, but then I know the reality will most likely be a repeat of everything I have heard before. I think they never understand their techniques and even their medication does not work on me, at least not well.

I don't understand the lack of studies being done on anxiety issues. I mean there is a ton of the general crap we all know, but there seems to be no in depth studies really looking at all aspects of anxiety...it is not one size fits all. I also believe there has to be a common theme..I just don't feel it is really being looked at. Sometimes I wish I was not as bad off as I am or I would have finished school and did the damn studies myself. I have played with the idea of making a site someday with massive amounts of questions for people with anxiety to fill out so I could go through and see if I can find something, anything that is new or points in a different direction. The only down side of this is people lie and some idiots would just fill it out who don't really have an anxiety disorder and that would mess all the results up.

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