Saturday, May 16, 2009

Sad about life

Recently I feel very sad about life. I have no idea what my purpose is or where I am going to go from here with my life. Sometimes I want a do over. I feel like I made way to many mistakes in my life and there is a lot I wish I could have done differently.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish that I was solid in some belief that would give me comfort and strength. I wish there were more real, solid, well adjusted people in my life that I could lean on. I know people can't change how I feel or take away the pain I have or will have to go through, but it would be nice to have a strong person who understood and who I could just share my burdens with.

I also wish that I was better emotionally balanced. Recently because of what has happened with my mother I have a growing fear of cancer and how I am going to cope should that happen to me and how I will cope with getting a colonscope at 40 with all my fears. Who I will feel close enough and safe with to take me to these type of appointments? Will even have a partner by then that will be there for me?

I have stopped crying all the time, but I find now I still cry, just alone in my room for short spurts of time when these thoughts come up. I could do the "stay in the present" deal because none of this is happening right this second to me, it is all future events. However I do not want to get to the future events should they happen without a plan or without being able to cope.

There is some future event coming for almost everyone and I assume many will get though it OK because maybe they do not have so much fear and worry, a strong family, a strong faith in their religion, whatever gives them their source of comfort, power or feeling of control. What happens when you don't have any of that. I am sure their is many people like me around the world, how do they cope and find strength and peace?

When I have agoraphobia and social anxiety among other problems how do I get the things and people I need?

1 comment:

Manda-lee said...

Hey, Sorry about your mom, I know how that can feel. My mom has lupus, and brain damage. She always tries to commite suicide and Im the only one who takes her to the hospital and stays with her, My father and brother are here but they tell me that I can deal with it all.

With having a plan and not knowing what to do in life, I think everyone feels that way. Well most people, there's some people out there that are just nuts and have it all figured out.

Are you on any medication for your anxiety? Prozac really helps. It totally relaxes you.

With purpose in life. Well thats somthing that Im trying to figure out too. But does everyone really have a purpose? I know Im a little depressing and Im sorry about it. But like I dont have a purpose, If my mom wasnt here, No one would really notice if I wasnt, or would it matter. Everyone does eventally get over people. Its good but then its not.

I think you just have to really enjoy the things that you do have. I know its alot more easier said than actully being done, But if you like to go for walks. Go out and really enjoy it. I think maybe thinking what you are missing and needing, you, or should I say we, should just really take it in and go from here. You know? Im really bad at explaining.

I hope I didnt make you feel any worse. I tend to do that.