Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Very Alone

I am very lonely. I wish so badly that I had a boyfriend right now. Ideally I wish I was still in a long term relationship with someone who knew me very well by now. Telling your story all over again and really getting to know someone takes time.

I have not been the most perfect person in my past. I have a long twisted history, but I really am a good person. Right now with everything that is going on in my life with my mothers illness and my own, it is very lonely not having anyone my within my age range to love and be loved by. Friends are OK, but really having someone there for you to help and hold you is sometimes needed.

Every night I go to bed alone and all I want is to have someone next to me that I can kiss good night. What is even better is for small moments I could forget myself while I had conversion with them about their day and about their worries. I want someone who gets me. They do not even have to get me completely, but I want them to enjoy me enough that all my bad fades into the background. A lot of times I just want someone to hold my hand. I would even settle with just touching my hand, that brief brush of theirs on mine so I know they care.

I have had so many health issues for as long as I can remember. Truth is I really do not know if I am going to ever get to live to be old. I am scared of dying without someone in my life. Maybe I won't die anytime soon, but I would still like to be able to grow old with someone.

So who is my perfect mate then? I guess the following would be good:

Age 30-45
OK looking they don't have to be a model. I just have to have some form of attraction to them
Not a cheater
Not super into sex because for some reason I haven't been for a long time.
Compassionate and understanding (with me that is a must.)
Drug free
Willing to help me and stand up for me when I can't.
Someone who does not like to go out a lot because I can't really do that with agoraphobia.

I am not fooling myself about my mother. I went to cancer.org tonight and looked up how they stage different levels of stage 3 colon cancer and from what I can tell from the amount of glands infected with cancer cells she has about a 44% chance of being here in 5 years.

I do not have any other close family besides my mom since my dad and I are not close and the rest of the family I have not seen in years. We just never were a close family. When she goes I really will be alone and she is my support and listens to me. She really is the only one who has been there for me through the years, but I guess that is what mothers do.

I do not know how I am going to get through the rest of my life. How I will be able to do all this alone without a partner. I can't be the only person sitting here tonight lonely in a very bad situation.

For so many years I went out and met so many people, for a time I was even "popular" and after all those years and all those people I hardly met any that were decent. So many people are on drugs or hooking up with everyone behind other peoples backs and it seems when the going gets rough most run away. I can't tell you how many 50+ year old men I would see out at the bars only interested in 18 year olds and complaining that they were alone. If they only would date with in their age range they may find someone stable. It seems to be all about looks and youth in the gay world. After age 25 you are worshipped less and after 30 forget it all the new crowd says you are old.

There has to be someone that would love me and thinks a lot like me out there. I know if there is he is most likely in his bedroom right now sleeping because it is late and I am sitting here needing him so bad.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I wish I lived closer to you... I think we could learn to love one another. We have a lot in common, although your life is far more challenging than mine.

Going out on a limb hear... but, I love you!

Take care,