Saturday, May 2, 2009

Heart Docs appointment moved

I couldn't go to the heart doctor because I was not able to eat and started vomiting. I felt way to weak. I called to move my appointment. It is next Wed at 1:30pm.

It is good that I canceled though because I asked them over the phone for my own peace of mind what the results of my 24 hour monitor and heart echo were and they showed I never had any tests run. They spent the rest of the day tracking my test results down from the hospital. So I would have showed up there and they wouldn't of even had my damn results nor knew I even had tests run.

What annoys me the most is that office said when they got my results if it was anything dangerous they would get me in sooner. All this time they didn't have them and I could have been walking around with a dangerous heart condition.

They called back later and my heart valves showed up as normal on the heart echo and I have a fast heart rate (this I know). They did say it was coming from the sinus node so that was OK and when I see the doctor on Wed. he will explain that to me.

Last night my heart was 96-120. Today it has been pretty normal. The first normal day since March 4th. It has been 75-88 sitting and mostly 93-96 standing (it was 113 once while standing, but it did not last long.)

My eating is still off and I did not eat that much today so far. Last night I suddenly got hungry and I had a roast beef sandwich and a can of beef and barley soup. Then I had a can of beef ravioli. It felt so good to eat food.

Maybe my body is slowly getting back to normal. 30 days ago my resting heart rate was 122 and I was living on juice. I was throwing up all the time and had heart rates spiking to 158. I am almost scared to think I am getting better. I don't want to be let down and I know if this is protracted xanax withdrawal it comes in waves and it can get worse again. The average time to get better from benzos in some people is 6-18 months.

My mind wants to do things today, but my body is what is holding me back. I feel like talking to people and I have been thinking about when I use to go out to the clubs all the time and how I miss it. I miss hooking up sometimes as well. I know I can't go back to that life either, but it is nice to actually have the thought again.

Cigarettes for a long time were making my heart rate worse. I would go from having a standing pulse of 89 to a standing pulse of 142 after just one cigarette. I knew damn well they never did that before to me. I almost did not want to quit till I was sure it was not them. I was thinking what if I quit and my heart rate goes back to normal and I will never know if it was the cigarettes or the xanax withdrawal causing my body to react to cigarettes that way. I needed to know in case ten years after I quit if I was very stressed out and decided to take back up smoking that I could and it wasn't going to do that to my heart rate. (Sort of like a future comfort blanket that I could smoke again if I had too.)

Today the cigarettes had next to no effect on my heart rate outside of the normal. It would raise it 15 to 20 beats a minute and that was completely in range of what cigarettes do. I finally got my answer. So now I will quit smoking. I started to get my answer over the past few days when sometimes it would spike high and other times there was no real spike in heart rate and once it was lower after I smoked.

I am not looking forward to quitting. It is really the last thing I have left and it makes me feel like crap when I stop. I can't drink alcohol and no more vices. That makes me sad in a lot of ways and makes me wonder how I will cope. I am such a boring 33 year old.

I am also sad because I am not like everyone else. I should be out having fun and doing things. Even outside of my current illness my own anxiety has robbed me of so many things.

I have had bad anxiety. Not take a deep breath and relax anxiety, but crushing anxiety for 18 years. I will deny myself medical tests because of it and dental visits. My anxiety takes away my social life completely.

I have done CBT, prayed, meditated, ate right, vitamins. Nothing stops my anxiety (eating right keeps it in check better)....ect large amounts of alcohol..about 12 beers. However I gave up drinking in Nov 2007 because I had a drinking problem.

The other night I ended up cutting my hair and taking a shower. My heart rate went to 142 because I dared to actually move around. I was so angry, but at least my hair was cut.

So that is where I am today so far.

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