Monday, January 4, 2010

Well I am not paying

On the 31st of December I called my mom to talk. Her and I talk often, which over all if you knew everything about my life, you would understand that talking to my mom (or either parent for that matter) daily would not be the best for me emotionally. Either way I called like normal. I was telling her about what I have been reading the past few weeks about Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I also discussed (as I often do to anyone who will listen because I feel so desperate at this point) how sick I still feel. I told her about how unfortunately there are no doctors in Albany that specialize in POTs or the diagnosis of it, that dysautonomias in general were not widely understood in this area.

This of course (like many things my whole life when it comes to my parents) took a turn

"Well how are you going to get to New York City to see one of those doctors?".

"I would drive." I said

"Well you better check him out 100% and make sure he will actually diagnosis you with this!"

"How can I make 100% sure the doctor will diagnosis me with it. That is why I would be going to rule it out." I said

"Well if he tells you, you don't have it then what?"

"Well then I would have to keep looking." I said

"Looking for what...whats next?!"

I said "I don't know, but I am not just going to say oh well and sit here sick. I know my body and I know something is wrong."

"Well don't expect up to pay for it...we don't have $5000 dollars for a test."

"I didn't ask you to pay for it and I have no idea how much it costs." I said

"No way...we are retired now and I am putting my foot down. We don't have $5,000 to $20,000 dollars for some test...and you better find out how often you would have to see him, cause he could have you running down there several would cost a fortune!"

"I never asked you for a dime for it, but I sure as hell am not going to sit here sick as hell just because you or anyone else thinks I should." I said

"Well fine, you figure out how to pay for all this then!"

I said "You know what I think is sad. I didn't ask you for any money for this, but I think it is sick that you would actually let me sit here sick and not pay for a medical test, when I know if your car broke tomorrow you guys would run right out and just buy a new one." (my parents just buy cars out right they don't get loans.) I said.

"It is no ones Goddamn business if I get a new car." (completely missing my point).

"I am just saying its sad you would let me stay sick." I said

"Well look it....what I have is real." (referring to her cancer..this pissed me off because I am so tired of pity cards being thrown at me. Everyone can suffer and be ill, but not me.)

I said "Like what I have isn't real? I am sorry mom, but for years of me being sick it was always something with you. I can't talk about this right now because my arm hurts, my high blood pressure, my stress and now its my cancer. If you didn't have cancer you would be treating me the exact same way as you always do and the word cancer would just be filled in with something else."

A lot more was said back and some point she told me how I am "selfish". If being sick, talking about it and trying to find out what is wrong is selfish, then I guess I am. In the past I have been told that I am lazy and that is why I don't work.

When I was very sick and had to stay at my parents house for a few months last year, my mom was scared of taking a lot of the pain medication they gave her. So I sat with her and she told me how she was thankful that I was there with her because she was scared of taking all those pills alone. The next day she was feeling better and I was having a very hard day. I had thrown up in the backyard that morning and unable to keep any food down. When I cried in the kitchen because I was so weak and scared about what was happening to me she told me "Look I don't have time for this right now. I have to get the ironing done, so go lay down if you don't feel well." Again I know because of the cancer thing it makes it all seem ok maybe, but this is the same treatment that I have gotten my whole life. One minute she is there for me and the next she gets annoyed and yells about it.

So she has not called me again since that phone call. I called yesterday the 3rd of Jan. I figure its stupid to not speak and a waste of time. My father answered, he hardly ever does. He talked to me for a few minutes. I asked him what mom was doing and he said "She is cooking. Yea she is frying stuff up." There was no "I will call him back." I know my mother, she just does not want to talk to me, just like when she doesn't want to talk to my sister, she makes a face and waves her hand like "No I don't want too."

Well I called, so when she calls me she does. I am tired of all the games. I am also not going to keep putting up with mistreatment from anyone (thought I have to to a point). All those years I drank, smoked and was on a medication here or there... I was just simply sedated or chemically changed my personality to cope with mistreatment I received from others. Mainly my parents. I will not hold back on things anymore.

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