I went to the new therapist the other day. It is hard for me to tell at this point if she is someone I will stick with or if I will find someone else to work with. Anyone who has seen a therapist knows that the first session is mainly a lot of questions and you sitting there trying to get out as much as you can, as fast as you can to get the therapist up to speed.
The thing that left a bad taste in my mouth about her, was after explaining what had just happened to me with the xanax and also my experience with paxil her first recommendation was to put me on medication. To which I said absolutely not. I mean what take more pills that made me this sick already? Then if and when something does occur I will only be told the side effects are all in my mind and how I am only sick because I was worried I would be sick? No thank you. The last thing I want is to be forced to live back in that bedroom at my parents house as they threaten to have me put away and doctors tell me it is all "anxiety" as my body goes through some horrific experience trying to repair what the drugs damaged.
I wonder. How does one convince someone they aren't crazy? Hell even people who read this blog think half this stuff is in my head.
Yesterday, when I went to the bathroom there was some blood, so I will have to update that on my sheet for the gastro that said "no blood". My bowel color is back to a pale yellow as well. I am sure the blood is also from "my anxiety and my depression". I must have a very powerful mind. I can change my bowel color pale yellow, bleed, have high heart rates when I stand because I certainly must have a major phobia of standing now, My face goes pale out of no where ...yes indeed very powerful mind. These people are idiots and I might die at the hands of them. The scary thing is I am starting not to care if I do..I am tired.
I didn't have a xmas this year, so I bought myself two books off amazon.com I only use one of my credit cards because while there is a automatic payment that gets charged for my internet every month to my capital one card, the rest is paid off. I told my mom that I would only be using the one credit card (She however thinks she is the one who told me, but that is neither here nor there.) Anyway when I ordered the two books from amazon the card that amazon had stored I thought was my card that I use (rarely unless for food or gas), but it turned out to be the capital one card. I got a voice mail about that from my mother.
There was another time I was most likely sleeping when my mom returned my call. If you listen closely at the end you can here the "God!" as she hangs up. I don't know guys I feel sick, scared of what is happening with my health and alone a lot.