Sunday, January 10, 2010

Crying Spells

I dislike having crying spells. I know I am not having them because I have some "chemical imbalance", but because I am under extreme stress right now in my life.

Imagine losing a five year relationship and being alone night and day for months on end. Going through a very bad drug withdrawal [from prescribed xanax that I never abused] that doctors and family did not believe, but made you sick enough that you had to move home for four months and even though you are not alone, because you are at your parents, you are still very much alone and suffering from being so ill. Then having your mother diagnosed with cancer. Losing your cat because he got use to living at your parents during that four months and you know even when you move back to your apartment you are not well enough to care for him. Getting your old relationship back with the agreement that it will be an open relationship. Back sitting at your apartment most days alone, night and day again..to sick to be going around the town trying to find new friends.

Try being sick and having no one. I can cry on my couch and my bf can be right there. There is no "it will be OK", no hugs, no "we will get through this together." or "I will take care of you". The other morning I picked him up from work to take him back to his apartment because it is so cold out. He did thank me, but just got out of the car. No hug, no kiss on the cheek. He has depression issues and I understand that, but it still hurts...I still feel alone.

Imagine calling your mother and because she has not ever heard of some illness or some symptom you are having you just hear "Well I have never heard that before.", "That doesn't make sense." and sadly it is nothing different than what you hear from doctors, but yet you know something is wrong with your body. However because you hold your ground, because you damn well do know your body you are told "Well it sounds like anxiety.", "You are obsessed.", "You have a chemical imbalance.". I am not allowed to know my own body and stand my ground. If I do that I am neurotic. Also trying having crippling anxiety over blood work and medical procedures and doing them anyway, alone, because you do know something is wrong.

My parents hardly call me, well I should say mother because she is the only one that did anyway, not like my father ever calls me. I get food money once a week from my parents. No call saying "Hey, dad is going to drop your food money off." Just me sitting here at my computer and I hear the mail slot open as it falls through to the floor. Sometimes I feel like a trapped caged pet.

Doctors just want to know if I am under psychiatric care and if not, why not, and if so what medications I am taking to "treat my anxiety". I have lived in this body my whole life. Most of my life I have indeed had anxiety and still do. What is happening now is not my anxiety. I know my body..the world tells me I don't. I have asked before..how does one prove they are not crazy?

The stress from all of this has lead to crying spells. It comes out of pure hopelessness. I don't know where to turn and there is no one in my life to help me through. So the other morning I was sitting in my car at 6am warming it up to bring my bf back to this apartment. I suddenly noticed I was crying and doing so loudly. I was sort of shocked that I was crying for awhile and had not even realized it. Sometimes now in my head I picture a doctor coming into a room after a test and saying "You have _______.", whatever disease or illness and I really cry my eyes out over this thought, not because I am scared of said disease, but because I would feel so vindicated that it was proof it was not all in my head and not "my anxiety.".

4 comments:

Brb said...

maybe you should get an hiv test.

Anonymous said...

I took some time to read your posts and some of your blog, and we have quite a bit in common.

I'm also a gay man from an abusive family who has dealt with anxiety most of my life. I've been on benzos and paxil, and other antidepressants, and dealt with withdrawal from those drugs, and know how awful that is. I also have great fear of coming down with some disease that will ruin my life. I've seen many therapists, some good some bad, and studied lots of religions. All that being said, I'm not going to say I understand your situation, that would be presumptuous. Only you can fully understand what it's like to be who you are.

What strikes me most is that there seems to be no one in your life who is offering you any kind of hope. As you have said, your parents, who were supposed to protect you when you were young, betrayed that obligation, and continue to be a source of negativity and disappointment. Your boyfriend, who should be your primary source of intimacy, refuses to touch you or have sex with you, and you find yourself going to strangers for intimacy. Your doctors and therapists aren't listening to your primary concerns regardless of how many times you repeat them.

I think it is very understandable that you would be having crying spells. In some ways this might be a good thing. I know it's not enjoyable, but consider one alternative. You could be so depressed that you cease to register any emotion at all. In my opinion that is a much worse place to be. I think there is great hope for you. You are very active in seeking to find solutions to your situation, and you have brought yourself out of addiction to alcohol and nicotine. You have come from an abusive environment yet you have managed not to become an abusive person yourself.

My hope for you is that you can find more support in your life. For now, be kind to yourself and know that you are doing your best, you have come far, and have much to offer.

Brian Underwood said...

I have already had 2 HIV tests and both were negative.

Anonymous said...

Brian,
I am also on Benzowithdrawal.com, and on the w/d rollercoaster after cold turkeying (naively, and with the help of one of the many ignorant docs) and I have no doubt at all that all of your symptoms including the GI craziness and insane anxiety are benzo withdrawal related. This just seems highly, highly likely. Everything you are describing has happened and is happening to me-- although my gastro chaos has now passed. But I lost 25 lbs after cold turkeying from klonopin in september, I had the crazy undigested stool colors, I thought I had colon cancer, got a colonoscopy (complete with benzo sedation!) Still I have horrible reflux, chest pain, back pain, in addition to the anxiety.

The kind of anxiety you and I have is different in kind, not degree, from normal generalized anxiety disorder. I also had panic attacks for years as a teenager, etc. and no, this is nothing like that. The tone and feel is 100 times more horrid. And it's "always there."

But the thing is you are healing, Brian. These are protracted withdrawal symptoms you are having. See as many docs as you want to, but I don't think they will help us. Only time will, and the encouragement and support we can find from people who will understand. I know what hell this is, buddy-- fucking hell. Our central nervous systems have been pulverized. And they are going to need time to heal. I agree with Anonymous above that crying is very healthy. One thing we need to do, and show others about ourselves, is separate our symptoms from who we are. You are not a despairing person-- withdrawal symptoms provoke feelings of total despair. You are a strong person with a great deal to hope for. This is what I am trying to learn how to do: to say the symptoms are real, they suck, they're not just in my head, but they're not who I am. They make me feel despair but I'm full of hope. I saw your video on youtube and it made me feel able to make sense of this horrible situation, to learn about it. We will get through this benzo hell and come out healthy and with bigger hearts.

Aaron