I dislike having crying spells. I know I am not having them because I have some "chemical imbalance", but because I am under extreme stress right now in my life.
Imagine losing a five year relationship and being alone night and day for months on end. Going through a very bad drug withdrawal [from prescribed xanax that I never abused] that doctors and family did not believe, but made you sick enough that you had to move home for four months and even though you are not alone, because you are at your parents, you are still very much alone and suffering from being so ill. Then having your mother diagnosed with cancer. Losing your cat because he got use to living at your parents during that four months and you know even when you move back to your apartment you are not well enough to care for him. Getting your old relationship back with the agreement that it will be an open relationship. Back sitting at your apartment most days alone, night and day again..to sick to be going around the town trying to find new friends.
Try being sick and having no one. I can cry on my couch and my bf can be right there. There is no "it will be OK", no hugs, no "we will get through this together." or "I will take care of you". The other morning I picked him up from work to take him back to his apartment because it is so cold out. He did thank me, but just got out of the car. No hug, no kiss on the cheek. He has depression issues and I understand that, but it still hurts...I still feel alone.
Imagine calling your mother and because she has not ever heard of some illness or some symptom you are having you just hear "Well I have never heard that before.", "That doesn't make sense." and sadly it is nothing different than what you hear from doctors, but yet you know something is wrong with your body. However because you hold your ground, because you damn well do know your body you are told "Well it sounds like anxiety.", "You are obsessed.", "You have a chemical imbalance.". I am not allowed to know my own body and stand my ground. If I do that I am neurotic. Also trying having crippling anxiety over blood work and medical procedures and doing them anyway, alone, because you do know something is wrong.
My parents hardly call me, well I should say mother because she is the only one that did anyway, not like my father ever calls me. I get food money once a week from my parents. No call saying "Hey, dad is going to drop your food money off." Just me sitting here at my computer and I hear the mail slot open as it falls through to the floor. Sometimes I feel like a trapped caged pet.
Doctors just want to know if I am under psychiatric care and if not, why not, and if so what medications I am taking to "treat my anxiety". I have lived in this body my whole life. Most of my life I have indeed had anxiety and still do. What is happening now is not my anxiety. I know my body..the world tells me I don't. I have asked before..how does one prove they are not crazy?
The stress from all of this has lead to crying spells. It comes out of pure hopelessness. I don't know where to turn and there is no one in my life to help me through. So the other morning I was sitting in my car at 6am warming it up to bring my bf back to this apartment. I suddenly noticed I was crying and doing so loudly. I was sort of shocked that I was crying for awhile and had not even realized it. Sometimes now in my head I picture a doctor coming into a room after a test and saying "You have _______.", whatever disease or illness and I really cry my eyes out over this thought, not because I am scared of said disease, but because I would feel so vindicated that it was proof it was not all in my head and not "my anxiety.".