I went to see my therapist again today. I was going to give it three sessions with her before I decided if I was going to try to stick with her or find a new one. I actually thought that today was going to be my last session with her, but she surprised me and I actually felt like maybe she is understanding what I am saying. I guess she just seemed more open to me this time. I told her about the visit with the lung doctor and the test results. I told her about how he had told me I should have just stopped the xanax cold turkey because the withdrawal only lasts three days to which she looked horrified.
She gave me some reading material on "mindfulness", which I was a little bit familiar with anyway, but by no means well read on the subject. I have not read what she gave me yet, however, I was on youtube tonight watching videos about it.
She looked surprised the doctor I just saw didn't feel the need to do a stress test and asked how I was going to go about getting one now. I told her I guess I will just go back to my primary care and just ask for him to refer me for one. She has offered to give me a note, should I need one, telling my doctor that she thinks all organic causes should be ruled out before it is just labeled anxiety.
We talked about my heart rate and how it is rapid during standing and when I am in the shower because I have become very heat intolerant. She thinks I should start calling around to the doctors in NYC and Boston to see if I can get in to be checked for POTs. We talked about how I would get there. I told her I would just drive and take Keith with me. I also told her I am trying to get as many tests run here in Albany as possible before I finally go to NYC or even another state. Plus we talked about how my insurance may not cover this esp. if it was out of state.
I think what I liked the most about today is I feel I finally got across to her, that I have a fast heart rate when I am nervous, yes I agree, but I have it for other reasons as well now and I can actually tell the difference. I also explained to her how having the label of anxiety is not very helpful in this situation. I said to her "It is sort of like if you felt unwell and maybe a little feverish, so you took your temperature and had a fever. Then, a few days later you still had the fever, so you saw your doctor and told him about your fever and feeling unwell. Only your doctor says to you "Why are you taking your temperature? Maybe you just think you feel unwell, because you are scaring yourself by checking your temperature....is everything OK at home?...Why don't you try an antidepressant?" and then you say "But I have a fever." and the Doctor says "I think you are worried you have a fever and so, then you do and are causing a self-fulfilling prophecy." Mean while you actually have the flu." and I told her basically that is what is happening to me.
Anyway, so for now I am keeping her. I would rather not have to change again anyway. I mean statistically I eventually have to randomly hit some good people. I know all medical professionals can't be idiots (God, I hope not). I think I have just been very unlucky so far.