Thursday, January 21, 2010

Fathers Reply

I am going to address the email I got back from my father and I will break it down line by line. I hate even doing this because as I pointed out in a comment to someone else on here, that unless you have lived my life and understand the inner workings of my family I just sound like a spoiled brat. However this blog is also for myself, so I just like to keep track of things. I did not reply to the email and I have no intention of replying to it. I also have no intention of keeping my parents involved in my health matters anymore, there is no point, it does me no good at all. I do have a feeling that they and by "they" I mean my father reads my blog. I am not sure, personally I don't care if it has been discovered by my parents. This is me and it doesn't get anymore real than this.

"Mom had spent almost a whole day Monday at the hospital - between the CT Scan and the Doc appointment - Mom was tired when we got home from the test etc - and wanted me to email you with the news - before we forgot."

OK, what stopped my father from picking the phone up and dialing seven digits to tell me himself (Even if mom was tired.)? That is a lot easier and faster than booting up his computer and signing into his email account. However, I know that my mother, with that news did make phone calls and would have told my sister or her friend Janet. I know damn well my sister did not get an email.

"We both believe that the pills is what caused a majority of what happened to you - and we saw it first hand when you were living with us the few months. That's why we thought we were doing a good thing by going to see Dr. P**** cause we heard that we was compassionate - but he turned out to be a big flop."

If my parents really believed that the pills were indeed doing what they did to me why didn't either of them have my back? Where was my father saying to a doctor "I know my son and this is not how he was." Why was I told by my father "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you." and "You don't eat because you don't want to eat." Where was the compassion during any of that from him? I don't fully believe I was taken only because they heard he was "compassionate", it is called he had a sliding fee scale. When it comes to my health and money I can pretty much guarantee I will be taken to someone who treats the lowest common denominator. Also after two visits and my parents knew what a "flop" he was with his praying therapist, where was the help getting me another doctor, as I laid in bed too sick to doctor shop for myself. I would like to point out to people at this time I was vomiting, dizzy, very rapid heart, living only on liquids....just plain bed bound was like having the worst flu ever that never ended.

"Email or call these doctors & ask them if they take your insurance - and if they are in NJ or out of NYS your Medicaid will not cover them."

This I already know and a lot of these doctors are in MA and NJ.

"Ask them if they have any kind of program that can help you since you have been suffering so long."

This might come as a surprise, but doctors do not care how long I have been suffering. It is a business, a job, that is why the cardiologist was still $540 dollars and there was no sliding fee. A specialist in NYC, NJ or MA is not going to just hand out freebies because I am sick.

"We don't know what we are coming up against with your mom being so sick."

While this is true, mom does have insurance and one medical test is hardly going to bankrupt the family. The truth is my suffering simply is not worth the help. It is also meant to make me feel guilt and I will not.

"Hopefully these docs have program or something they can come up with for you."

They don't, this is what families are for and by no means is our family poor like so many families out there.

"Mom & I love you very much - please don't think we don't."

I never thought they didn't love their own way. I do think they are both seriously warped. After all when they though health insurance through Keith was going to be $180 a month that could be paid for. They are willing to pay for a therapist when my medicaid goes. So why is it so hard to pay for a test that could be $1500 dollars? They are the ones who blew this test up to $10,000-$25,000 dollars in their minds.


Final comments. Is my mom still tired from the CT scan, because it has been 48 hours and still my phone has not rang. In fact my phone has not rang since the 8th of January. I am the one who called on Jan. 13th. My father could have also called me to tell me what was said in that most recent email. I also know that email was wrote not by my father, but by my mother and father together because "Mom & I love you very much - please don't think we don't." is something my father would never write. I am also starting to suspect (though I could be completely wrong) that my parents actually have seen a therapist once or twice and told to do "tough love" bullshit. I only suspect that because that crap was pulled on me in high school.


Marie said...

Ok. You are going to kill me but that was a nice email from them. That email you emailed him was harsh and I am sure it hurt them. I know you are hurting and they are two. I mean your dad has a sick wife and son and I am sure not everyone deals with that very well. I am not trying to make excuses from them just trying to give you an opinion from an outsider other than reading your blog. My parents are tough too. We are not super close. We can go a month without talking but that is just how we are but I know they love me. Maybe it would be best if you guys emailed for now. Maybe your dad has a hard time hearing your pain and crying. Maybe that is tough. So I think you should respond and tell him how you feel just how you wrote on your blog. Maybe he does not even realize how he hurts you and maybe there are things that he is hurt about. So I think you should keep him in the loop. That is just my 2 cents. I am sure people will me for what I said but it is just my gut reaction. Now if you guys could go to family therapy. Now that would be awesome.

Brian Underwood said...

Yea, that is why I hate even writing about my family dynamic. I leave so much out about my parents, so I come off looking bad. I hold back I think because I guess in many ways I am protecting them. I guess the only thing I can say is in the past there was family consoling and my parents threw a shit fit about things and the therapist who also saw me on the side finally understood what I was talking about.

The "sick wife" thing. Its interesting, because again things are not how people are picturing it. My mother when she went for chemo. All the other husbands sat with their wives, talked and laughed. Often times my mom was left alone, while he went out and just did errands. This is an issue because my mother even told me how she has no idea what is wrong with him. This is not a new type of behavior on his part and something he just can't deal with. This is how he has always been.

As for him not being able to deal with my pain or with my crying let me to try to give you an over all imprint of him. After my lung surgery in 2000 about 3 months later he was driving me home and he was yelling, he almost drove the car under a truck. He accused me of "faking being sick" and I said "I just had lung surgery how am I faking?" to which he replied "You probably faked that too." He was there the day I had surgery. I was in the hospital for a week. A specialist operated on me because what I had was rare and I almost died.

It is not that we are emailing. The only emails I ever got before that from him were about what hotel they would be at on a vacation or if it was about money. My father never calls me to talk....ever. There is no relationship at all and there never was, this is not from lack of me trying...believe me I reached out to him so many times. I would have loved to have a father in my life. He did 2 things during my childhood. He yelled at me and read books. That and hoarded mail in the basement, so much mail that its fills to the ceiling.

As for going through any family counseling again I am not interested in that. I think I finally saw after all these years. My parents are toxic. I love them, but I will not allow myself to be controlled by them anymore.

Keeping them in the loop would just at this time not be good for my health.

There is so much more to all this, so please respect that it is not as it seems.

As for my email being harsh...good...for me harsh is when you lay there suffering and no one helps, harsh is also being in severe lung pain in an ER in June 2000 and saying "Mom I am in so much pain" and hearing "Yea me too, my tooth hurts since I woke up." also harsh is calling that morning in pain having to go to the ER hours before the doctors found that giant mass and when my mom answered the phone and I told her I needed to go to the ER hearing "I don't even have my makeup on and we will have to sit there all day."

Marie said...

Yeah it is hard getting a whole family dynamic it little snippets. Just like how I did not like my dad much growing up but my friends loved him. They only spent short periods of time with him you know. So I know what you mean. Would LOVE to see your family on Dr. Phil. He would put your dad in his place for sure!