I have been thinking about posting this for sometime but I have gone back and forth on if I wanted to only because it was so personal. However as time has gone on I have been writing more and more personal things about myself in this blog so I figured I might as well.
A little background on this. I had just got done watching a video called "The Secret" as some of you may have seen or heard about on Oprah. On Youtube there was a group of people doing something called "The 100 day challenge" where they were trying to see how they could change their life in 100 days using "The Secret".
It seemed fun and I never completed it. For me it turned more into a confessional. I did not even use my face on the videos just a picture of Earth and my voice.
Each video is about 9 mins long and there are 9 videos. You will hear me talking about what day of "The 100 day challenge" I am on at the beginning of each video.
Truth be told all 9 videos were recorded in a single night and I just broke them down into different days. I recorded it a little over a year ago and was drinking several Coors Light beers while I was recording it.
I tried to stop drinking at that time but that did not end up happening till Nov. 2007.
This may take some time to get through but maybe it will be useful or helpful to someone who listens.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Off To The Club We Go
If there was ever a point were I completely lost my mind it was in the fall of 2003. For some reason I started to completely not care about life and started to wonder about the social norms we live by. All this thinking was of course at the time mixed with heavy drinking.
My mornings would start by me waking up on a blow up bed in my mouse infested apartment and taking a walk down the street to the corner store to buy six 24 oz. cans of Coors Light. Usually while walking there my heart would be pounding so hard and a form of paranoia would be setting in from the heavy drinking I had done the day before. Alcohol would calm my anxiety but payback was a bitch. When the alcohol wore off the anxiety would be 10 times worse than it normally was had I not been drinking. While walking to the store I was sure if someone ran up to me that I knew and started talking to me I would jump out of my skin or throw up or both.
I would get in the store and I remember at times holding my breath. I wanted to get out of there before I had to breath again. The length of time in the store felt overwhelming. When I have high anxiety there is something about being in a store that drives me mad. The lights, colors, sound of the running fan by the register and people moving around me to get to the item they want. Thankfully it was a small store and the beer was near the front door and register. Since I bought beer there everyday the people that worked there knew me and seemed not to judge that I was buying beer at 830am in the morning. Though I am sure they knew I had an issue with drinking I was usually greeted with "How are you doing boss?" or one time "We were almost out of Coors boss but I knew you would be coming in so I put six in the back for you boss. I will get them for you."
Once I got back to my apartment I would start to drink. After the first 24 oz. I must admit I felt a lot better. I then would go online to gay.com and start to chat with people or look for a possible hookup to come over later.
You have to understand at the time the only things in this one bedroom apartment besides the mice were a blow up bed, a small 13 inch TV that set in the corner on the floor, an alarm clock, and my computer which set on a card table. The roof leaked, there was not always running water, no oven just my microwave and a half working refrigerator that I would not keep food in too long. At that time however I really did not need to keep food there because there was a Chinese restaurant two doors down and other such food places. I lived on beer, Chinese and pizza for the most part.
At the time my best friend who I would go out to the clubs with every night was sleeping with hustlers and starting to do crack. I remember at the super bowl party he had at his apartment that year I was drinking while the other people were doing crack, coke, opium and whip-its (nitrous oxide). That was the year Janet Jackson flashed her breast.
So anyway the two day mental break from reality came when one night I got so drunk I thought it was a good idea to get dressed as an alien and go to one of the local gay clubs. My friend at the time had the alien suit from a past Halloween. So I went over to his house to put it on and we went to the club together. Walking over with a giant "Alien Grey" head and the alien body that went with it certainly brought attention. It was impossible to see who I was. It was one of those all encompassing costumes. Cars would slow down as he and I walked to the club and I would just wave at them. It was sort of humorous to see peoples expressions especially when they would turn the corner not expecting to see an alien with a large head walking by.
When I got to the club some people clapped. Of course they were drunk too and this must have seemed fun to them. I do remember it was hard to drink while in that custom and I would have to slip the Twisted Tea bottle under my giant head and drink it with a straw. That is the only night I ever danced in a club. I refused to tell anyone who I was and no one could tell. The only person who knew was the friend I went with. I remember dancing with this hot lesbian and she said to me "Are you a boy or a girl?" I told her a boy but I think she was hoping for a different answer.
At 4am I wandered home drunk in my alien suit to my apartment. You have to understand I lived in a bad area at the time but I don't think anyone was going to mug the alien. I would assume even criminals would not want to mess with the mental case coming down the empty streets at 4am in a giant alien suit.
The next day I woke up still drunk. I felt like I was going to die and went to the bathroom to throw up. Then of course paranoid back to the corner store to get beer.
That night I went out again with the same friend to a different club. After we drank a bit he passed out in the corner of the club so I went to the bathroom. A girl was in there doing coke and had all this makeup laid out. I asked her if I could have a tube of her red lipstick. She gave it to me and said I could keep it. At first I just put it on my lips. However eventually I had colored in my whole face. Forehead to chin was colored with blood red lipstick. I would have painted more but the tube was now empty so I took the tube and looking in the mirror carved the word "FUCK" backwards in the lipstick across my forehead (you have to do it backwards in the mirror).
This is where it gets spotty but I opened the bathroom door and do remember some heavy set girls eyes get very big from shock of seeing a blood red face emerge with the word "fuck" written on it. Then later someone taking a picture because I remember this figure coming out and a flash bulb going off. At some point how long later I don't know I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Either I had met this guy in the club or outside while smoking but I knew we walked back to my apartment and had sex. He was wearing a white t-shirt and by the time he left he was covered in red lipstick. His white t-shirt looked like he had been shot and bleeding. I have no idea who that guy was but every time I went out after that night I looked to see if I saw a face that was semi familiar. I am sure if I ever saw his face it would trigger my memory and I would know that is who it was.
Of course it has been five years since that event took place so I am no longer trying to figure out who the guy was and the days that followed I seemed to go back to my normal, drunk, nervous self.
If someone ever asked me if there was ever a time I felt I had lost my mind it would be those two days. The strange thing is I am not embarrassed even now by it. I wouldn't change those events from happening. If anything I am more curious by my behavior at the time.
My mornings would start by me waking up on a blow up bed in my mouse infested apartment and taking a walk down the street to the corner store to buy six 24 oz. cans of Coors Light. Usually while walking there my heart would be pounding so hard and a form of paranoia would be setting in from the heavy drinking I had done the day before. Alcohol would calm my anxiety but payback was a bitch. When the alcohol wore off the anxiety would be 10 times worse than it normally was had I not been drinking. While walking to the store I was sure if someone ran up to me that I knew and started talking to me I would jump out of my skin or throw up or both.
I would get in the store and I remember at times holding my breath. I wanted to get out of there before I had to breath again. The length of time in the store felt overwhelming. When I have high anxiety there is something about being in a store that drives me mad. The lights, colors, sound of the running fan by the register and people moving around me to get to the item they want. Thankfully it was a small store and the beer was near the front door and register. Since I bought beer there everyday the people that worked there knew me and seemed not to judge that I was buying beer at 830am in the morning. Though I am sure they knew I had an issue with drinking I was usually greeted with "How are you doing boss?" or one time "We were almost out of Coors boss but I knew you would be coming in so I put six in the back for you boss. I will get them for you."
Once I got back to my apartment I would start to drink. After the first 24 oz. I must admit I felt a lot better. I then would go online to gay.com and start to chat with people or look for a possible hookup to come over later.
You have to understand at the time the only things in this one bedroom apartment besides the mice were a blow up bed, a small 13 inch TV that set in the corner on the floor, an alarm clock, and my computer which set on a card table. The roof leaked, there was not always running water, no oven just my microwave and a half working refrigerator that I would not keep food in too long. At that time however I really did not need to keep food there because there was a Chinese restaurant two doors down and other such food places. I lived on beer, Chinese and pizza for the most part.
At the time my best friend who I would go out to the clubs with every night was sleeping with hustlers and starting to do crack. I remember at the super bowl party he had at his apartment that year I was drinking while the other people were doing crack, coke, opium and whip-its (nitrous oxide). That was the year Janet Jackson flashed her breast.
So anyway the two day mental break from reality came when one night I got so drunk I thought it was a good idea to get dressed as an alien and go to one of the local gay clubs. My friend at the time had the alien suit from a past Halloween. So I went over to his house to put it on and we went to the club together. Walking over with a giant "Alien Grey" head and the alien body that went with it certainly brought attention. It was impossible to see who I was. It was one of those all encompassing costumes. Cars would slow down as he and I walked to the club and I would just wave at them. It was sort of humorous to see peoples expressions especially when they would turn the corner not expecting to see an alien with a large head walking by.
When I got to the club some people clapped. Of course they were drunk too and this must have seemed fun to them. I do remember it was hard to drink while in that custom and I would have to slip the Twisted Tea bottle under my giant head and drink it with a straw. That is the only night I ever danced in a club. I refused to tell anyone who I was and no one could tell. The only person who knew was the friend I went with. I remember dancing with this hot lesbian and she said to me "Are you a boy or a girl?" I told her a boy but I think she was hoping for a different answer.
At 4am I wandered home drunk in my alien suit to my apartment. You have to understand I lived in a bad area at the time but I don't think anyone was going to mug the alien. I would assume even criminals would not want to mess with the mental case coming down the empty streets at 4am in a giant alien suit.
The next day I woke up still drunk. I felt like I was going to die and went to the bathroom to throw up. Then of course paranoid back to the corner store to get beer.
That night I went out again with the same friend to a different club. After we drank a bit he passed out in the corner of the club so I went to the bathroom. A girl was in there doing coke and had all this makeup laid out. I asked her if I could have a tube of her red lipstick. She gave it to me and said I could keep it. At first I just put it on my lips. However eventually I had colored in my whole face. Forehead to chin was colored with blood red lipstick. I would have painted more but the tube was now empty so I took the tube and looking in the mirror carved the word "FUCK" backwards in the lipstick across my forehead (you have to do it backwards in the mirror).
This is where it gets spotty but I opened the bathroom door and do remember some heavy set girls eyes get very big from shock of seeing a blood red face emerge with the word "fuck" written on it. Then later someone taking a picture because I remember this figure coming out and a flash bulb going off. At some point how long later I don't know I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Either I had met this guy in the club or outside while smoking but I knew we walked back to my apartment and had sex. He was wearing a white t-shirt and by the time he left he was covered in red lipstick. His white t-shirt looked like he had been shot and bleeding. I have no idea who that guy was but every time I went out after that night I looked to see if I saw a face that was semi familiar. I am sure if I ever saw his face it would trigger my memory and I would know that is who it was.
Of course it has been five years since that event took place so I am no longer trying to figure out who the guy was and the days that followed I seemed to go back to my normal, drunk, nervous self.
If someone ever asked me if there was ever a time I felt I had lost my mind it would be those two days. The strange thing is I am not embarrassed even now by it. I wouldn't change those events from happening. If anything I am more curious by my behavior at the time.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sleeping and The New Diet Update
I finally got my sleeping back on track after weeks of trying. I woke up at 530am and I am so happy. I had been going to sleep at noon and getting up at 8pm and that made me feel like crap. I have had insomnia issues for several decades now and I am always happy when it resets for a little while and I can feel like a normal rested person.
I went to the super market this morning. When I am able to go I like to go late at night or early in the morning since there are less people then. I also went over to my parents house and did some laundry. The next apartment I have I really would like a washer and dryer hookup and a dishwasher. Most of the time I eat off paper plates and use plastic cups and plastic spoons because I hate doing dishes.
I have been working on a new diet for people to try out to see if it helps them with their anxiety and/or other health issues they maybe having. However I have hit a wall with it. The more I read the more toxic I realize our modern day food really is. I come up with a good diet plan and then see that the average person may have a hard time following it especially if they worked 40 hours a week. Not to mention people can't cook things at work especially without a microwave oven. I am 100% against the use of microwave ovens for reasons I am sure I will explain later.
So I am considering doing the diet in both forms (hard and easier) and leave it up to the person to decide what is best for them in their current situation. I will list the pros and cons to each part of the diet...and hopefully people will be able to do a little of both. I am pretty sure most the time I will have to take some of the easy steps in the diet because even though I am home all day long I am lazy and like convenience as I am sure others do too.
I have already bought the domain name I plan on using for the diet and I am in the process of making a page. It is really trial and error at this point. I write something then the next day rethink it and I am no longer happy with a certain topic so I scrap it and try something else. I am currently for the most part on my own diet to see how it works and how easy or hard it maybe for others to do. I am also looking at if I feel well, strong, full of energy or if I am hungry, weak or tired. I do not want to promote something that I myself can't do or feel crappy on.
I am not sure how long it is going to take for me to get all this organized but when it is done people who read this blog will be the first to know. I just know that this is not going to be some miracle cure all diet. The point of the diet is to try to get maximum nutrition into you and the least toxins possible. Also since this is a new diet there will be changes to it I am sure over time (items added and items removed). Because after all information changes all the time.
Other than that it has just been raining a lot here recently and my cat has been hiding in the closet because he does not like thunder. I hope all of you are doing well.
I went to the super market this morning. When I am able to go I like to go late at night or early in the morning since there are less people then. I also went over to my parents house and did some laundry. The next apartment I have I really would like a washer and dryer hookup and a dishwasher. Most of the time I eat off paper plates and use plastic cups and plastic spoons because I hate doing dishes.
I have been working on a new diet for people to try out to see if it helps them with their anxiety and/or other health issues they maybe having. However I have hit a wall with it. The more I read the more toxic I realize our modern day food really is. I come up with a good diet plan and then see that the average person may have a hard time following it especially if they worked 40 hours a week. Not to mention people can't cook things at work especially without a microwave oven. I am 100% against the use of microwave ovens for reasons I am sure I will explain later.
So I am considering doing the diet in both forms (hard and easier) and leave it up to the person to decide what is best for them in their current situation. I will list the pros and cons to each part of the diet...and hopefully people will be able to do a little of both. I am pretty sure most the time I will have to take some of the easy steps in the diet because even though I am home all day long I am lazy and like convenience as I am sure others do too.
I have already bought the domain name I plan on using for the diet and I am in the process of making a page. It is really trial and error at this point. I write something then the next day rethink it and I am no longer happy with a certain topic so I scrap it and try something else. I am currently for the most part on my own diet to see how it works and how easy or hard it maybe for others to do. I am also looking at if I feel well, strong, full of energy or if I am hungry, weak or tired. I do not want to promote something that I myself can't do or feel crappy on.
I am not sure how long it is going to take for me to get all this organized but when it is done people who read this blog will be the first to know. I just know that this is not going to be some miracle cure all diet. The point of the diet is to try to get maximum nutrition into you and the least toxins possible. Also since this is a new diet there will be changes to it I am sure over time (items added and items removed). Because after all information changes all the time.
Other than that it has just been raining a lot here recently and my cat has been hiding in the closet because he does not like thunder. I hope all of you are doing well.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Myself and Other People
I often wonder what it is like to have people really care for me. I don't mean be in love with me or want sex from me but really deeply care about me as a person. I don't think I have ever had that and if I did in my past I must have pushed those people away. Why I would have pushed them away I don't know.
I find in friendships, relationships and family I play this role and that role is of the fixer. When there is a fight or disagreement I am the one who fixes it. No one has ever come to me to say they were sorry except maybe childhood friends. My mother will call if we have an argument a few days later but just talk like nothing happen. To get an apology would require me to tell her that she hurt me or that I didn't feel that what she said was nice and why but no apology is offered up on it's own. My father I can honestly say has never said he was sorry for anything...only time passes... it is never discussed...then eventually things return to normal and I am the one who forgives.
Relationships are the same for me I am the one who ends the argument. The one who says "no don't go", "we can work this out", or do what my mother does let some time pass and act like nothing has happened. I will say a fight was my fault when it is and I will always take 50% of the responsibility for a fight even when sometimes it is not 50% my fault at all.
In friendships I ignore hurt words and ignore behavior or actions that are dangerous to the person so they do not become upset with me. Most of my friendships are a one way street. They come to me with their problems and I listen. My problems are less valid and I accept it.
I really do not want to be alone and I also want to be loved so badly that I allow myself to be a doormat at times. I sometimes feel that I can't complain after all none of these people ever hit me (except one person but that relationship is over). Many times I assume it is just me.
I always wondered what it was like to have a close family. Some of my friends growing up did and I always liked being at their house. They had fun together and it was stress free. I have a sister who is 15 years older than me and lives about a mile from me but I have not seen here since 2003. Pretty much the only family I talk to are my parents.
For the most part I believe in the law of attraction so on some level I must be attracting this situation to myself. I would like to meet more people in real life but the agoraphobia prevents that a lot of times or at least makes it a longer process. If I had to pick one positive thing about having an anxiety disorder it would be that it shows other peoples true character.
I find in friendships, relationships and family I play this role and that role is of the fixer. When there is a fight or disagreement I am the one who fixes it. No one has ever come to me to say they were sorry except maybe childhood friends. My mother will call if we have an argument a few days later but just talk like nothing happen. To get an apology would require me to tell her that she hurt me or that I didn't feel that what she said was nice and why but no apology is offered up on it's own. My father I can honestly say has never said he was sorry for anything...only time passes... it is never discussed...then eventually things return to normal and I am the one who forgives.
Relationships are the same for me I am the one who ends the argument. The one who says "no don't go", "we can work this out", or do what my mother does let some time pass and act like nothing has happened. I will say a fight was my fault when it is and I will always take 50% of the responsibility for a fight even when sometimes it is not 50% my fault at all.
In friendships I ignore hurt words and ignore behavior or actions that are dangerous to the person so they do not become upset with me. Most of my friendships are a one way street. They come to me with their problems and I listen. My problems are less valid and I accept it.
I really do not want to be alone and I also want to be loved so badly that I allow myself to be a doormat at times. I sometimes feel that I can't complain after all none of these people ever hit me (except one person but that relationship is over). Many times I assume it is just me.
I always wondered what it was like to have a close family. Some of my friends growing up did and I always liked being at their house. They had fun together and it was stress free. I have a sister who is 15 years older than me and lives about a mile from me but I have not seen here since 2003. Pretty much the only family I talk to are my parents.
For the most part I believe in the law of attraction so on some level I must be attracting this situation to myself. I would like to meet more people in real life but the agoraphobia prevents that a lot of times or at least makes it a longer process. If I had to pick one positive thing about having an anxiety disorder it would be that it shows other peoples true character.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Fatigue
Long before I ever had anxiety I seemed to have lack of energy. Though I had more energy when I was younger I tired easier than the other children. I don't know if that is because I had a lung problem since birth that was not discovered till my early 20's or not.
Some days I feel so wore out I want to just cry. For awhile I thought maybe I had chronic fatigue syndrome but I don't seem to match up with the symptom list except being wore out.
A few months before I found out about my lung I started sleeping 17 to 20 hours a day. The people I lived with insisted I was depressed as did my mother. I kept telling them I wasn't depressed I was just so tired. About 6 months before I got this pain once in awhile nothing big...but sometimes I would get this flicking feeling that hurt...it only lasted a few seconds and was on my upper right back. I never felt that before and even said to my mother that maybe I should get a chest x-ray and she said "you have no health insurance and that will be expensive...there is nothing wrong with your lungs, it's just anxiety"
Well as we all know now it wasn't anxiety. I really did require that much sleep at the time. I did not even feel sick just very very tired. I use to spend the few hours I was awake going over to John's house (a friend of mine who is in a wheel chair) which lead to a fight with me and Alison who I was living with at the time. I remember her statement "You need help Brian all you do is sleep and Sousa" (Sousa is John's last name) He always laughed at that statement and repeated "sleep and Sousa" at random times years later and laughed.
I wonder at times how much of my tiredness is cause by my smoking...though I know other smokers and while they cough some are very active and most live normal lives. I honestly can't stop smoking yet and it really sucks. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am in a good enough place mentally or physically to stop right now. Though I think about quitting a lot.
I have a hard time explaining to people the level of fatigue I have. For example right now I should go to the supermarket but it is not even anxiety that is stopping me. I am tired (I slept 9 hours by the way I am happy about that and needed it for the past few days I have not slept well at all)
I can't get myself moving. I will sit here some days and not shower for two days because I am tired. Sometimes I want food from the kitchen and I don't get up for 20 minutes because I am tired. Like the anxiety some days are better and I will get energy and feel like I am alive again. Most days I feel half dead and though I want to live to be old (a goal of mine) I can't imagine another 60 years of being this tired.
As a teen I had blood work done to see if I had anemia or mononucleosis because I was so tired. Though I would give anything to have that level of fatigue again since each year it seems to get worse.
I don't even bring it up anymore to therapists or doctors because if you say "I am so tired some days I just want to cry" they say "sounds like depression" but the only reason why I felt sad in the first place was because I was so tired I feel crippled by it. Any tiredness I have is anxiety and depression according to them and I don't find that to me true esp. since I had this before those problems set in.
Things I would like to have I do not have the money for right now. I would like to walk but getting ready to go outside will drain me and some days I have anxiety...so I would like a tread mill...not to run on just to walk on while I watch tv. I think the decent ones are about $500 dollars. My laptop died by the way. I no longer have my own computer. Just Keith's desktop (which I used a lot for justin.tv when I was on there). He does not mind that I use it because he has a laptop. My desktop died two years ago it has multiple problems.
I told my mom about the computer situation but she just said "oh" I was hoping for "maybe for xmas we can get you a laptop" but it's not my money anyway and it seems selfish to expect a replacement. She said "Well if the computers are broke why do you keep them and not throw them out?" I said "For parts when other things break" and she said "So what are you going to do keep keeping old computers and fill your house up" like I am some fucking loon..I told her she did not know what she was talking about and the subject changed.
They are in Canada now she called me from her cell phone at the duty free shop to ask what kind of cigarettes I smoked because they were $28 a carton. It was a stressful conversation because her cell was cutting in and out so bad I had to repeat things 10 times or more. I finally asked if there was just a pay phone she could call me from and she said "noooo there is no pay phone" I am sure there was but she thinks pay phones are expensive...which they aren't...to me anyway.
I told here from now on if she calls me to call from the hotel. She needs a new cell phone seriously when she goes to cape cod in mass. it has the same problem. I have other people call me from those areas and they sound fine. She also has this habbit of yelling into the cell phone or not holding it like a normal person so I can't understand her. I hate when she calls me from the cell phone period.
Not to mention she is losing her mind literally. She can't remember many things unless it is something she does all the time like her part time job. She can watch a movie and a week later has no idea what it was about unless you remind her a lot then it pops back in to her mind. Same with books and conversations with me. Sometimes she insists she told me something she didn't. My father is not much better though my mom is worse. She refuses to tell the doctors because she does not want to know what is wrong. She claims it is everyone her age but (and I can't say this to her) I use to hang out with and even slept with guys her age and they were a lot sharper. Her older sister died from Alzheimer's and her mother most likely had it as well.
Everyone has such interesting ideas about anxiety and different theories. Sometimes I wish hundreds of us could work together with federal funding to carry out our own experiments and trials...we might get a lot further than some companies do...we seem to be very creative people and come up with good ideas :-)
Some days I feel so wore out I want to just cry. For awhile I thought maybe I had chronic fatigue syndrome but I don't seem to match up with the symptom list except being wore out.
A few months before I found out about my lung I started sleeping 17 to 20 hours a day. The people I lived with insisted I was depressed as did my mother. I kept telling them I wasn't depressed I was just so tired. About 6 months before I got this pain once in awhile nothing big...but sometimes I would get this flicking feeling that hurt...it only lasted a few seconds and was on my upper right back. I never felt that before and even said to my mother that maybe I should get a chest x-ray and she said "you have no health insurance and that will be expensive...there is nothing wrong with your lungs, it's just anxiety"
Well as we all know now it wasn't anxiety. I really did require that much sleep at the time. I did not even feel sick just very very tired. I use to spend the few hours I was awake going over to John's house (a friend of mine who is in a wheel chair) which lead to a fight with me and Alison who I was living with at the time. I remember her statement "You need help Brian all you do is sleep and Sousa" (Sousa is John's last name) He always laughed at that statement and repeated "sleep and Sousa" at random times years later and laughed.
I wonder at times how much of my tiredness is cause by my smoking...though I know other smokers and while they cough some are very active and most live normal lives. I honestly can't stop smoking yet and it really sucks. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am in a good enough place mentally or physically to stop right now. Though I think about quitting a lot.
I have a hard time explaining to people the level of fatigue I have. For example right now I should go to the supermarket but it is not even anxiety that is stopping me. I am tired (I slept 9 hours by the way I am happy about that and needed it for the past few days I have not slept well at all)
I can't get myself moving. I will sit here some days and not shower for two days because I am tired. Sometimes I want food from the kitchen and I don't get up for 20 minutes because I am tired. Like the anxiety some days are better and I will get energy and feel like I am alive again. Most days I feel half dead and though I want to live to be old (a goal of mine) I can't imagine another 60 years of being this tired.
As a teen I had blood work done to see if I had anemia or mononucleosis because I was so tired. Though I would give anything to have that level of fatigue again since each year it seems to get worse.
I don't even bring it up anymore to therapists or doctors because if you say "I am so tired some days I just want to cry" they say "sounds like depression" but the only reason why I felt sad in the first place was because I was so tired I feel crippled by it. Any tiredness I have is anxiety and depression according to them and I don't find that to me true esp. since I had this before those problems set in.
Things I would like to have I do not have the money for right now. I would like to walk but getting ready to go outside will drain me and some days I have anxiety...so I would like a tread mill...not to run on just to walk on while I watch tv. I think the decent ones are about $500 dollars. My laptop died by the way. I no longer have my own computer. Just Keith's desktop (which I used a lot for justin.tv when I was on there). He does not mind that I use it because he has a laptop. My desktop died two years ago it has multiple problems.
I told my mom about the computer situation but she just said "oh" I was hoping for "maybe for xmas we can get you a laptop" but it's not my money anyway and it seems selfish to expect a replacement. She said "Well if the computers are broke why do you keep them and not throw them out?" I said "For parts when other things break" and she said "So what are you going to do keep keeping old computers and fill your house up" like I am some fucking loon..I told her she did not know what she was talking about and the subject changed.
They are in Canada now she called me from her cell phone at the duty free shop to ask what kind of cigarettes I smoked because they were $28 a carton. It was a stressful conversation because her cell was cutting in and out so bad I had to repeat things 10 times or more. I finally asked if there was just a pay phone she could call me from and she said "noooo there is no pay phone" I am sure there was but she thinks pay phones are expensive...which they aren't...to me anyway.
I told here from now on if she calls me to call from the hotel. She needs a new cell phone seriously when she goes to cape cod in mass. it has the same problem. I have other people call me from those areas and they sound fine. She also has this habbit of yelling into the cell phone or not holding it like a normal person so I can't understand her. I hate when she calls me from the cell phone period.
Not to mention she is losing her mind literally. She can't remember many things unless it is something she does all the time like her part time job. She can watch a movie and a week later has no idea what it was about unless you remind her a lot then it pops back in to her mind. Same with books and conversations with me. Sometimes she insists she told me something she didn't. My father is not much better though my mom is worse. She refuses to tell the doctors because she does not want to know what is wrong. She claims it is everyone her age but (and I can't say this to her) I use to hang out with and even slept with guys her age and they were a lot sharper. Her older sister died from Alzheimer's and her mother most likely had it as well.
Everyone has such interesting ideas about anxiety and different theories. Sometimes I wish hundreds of us could work together with federal funding to carry out our own experiments and trials...we might get a lot further than some companies do...we seem to be very creative people and come up with good ideas :-)
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