I am going to keep this as short as possible, but there is a lot of information of what has been going on. I will just summarize as best I can.
Jan 21st-Feb 14th I tapered off xanax. My throat issue went away once the drug was stopped. However from the time of the tapper till now I have been unable to eat very much food. I throw up a lot and have dropped 17 lbs. This is from some sort of benzo withdrawal that the doctors refuse to recognize.
March 4th I was so ill and wanted relief I decided to try going on an anti-depressant. So I took 10 mg of paxil and several hours later fainted on the floor. I called my primary doctor and made and appointment for the next day. Later that night my heart rate started to climb and was at 140 beats a min so at 4:30am I had my parents take me to the ER. They did an EKG and told me to see my primary care doctor. I never took paxil after that day.
At 11:30am March 5th I saw my primary care doctor and he refused to listen to my heart and yelled about me being off xanax and said "so what you fainted who cares!" and yelled some more and this went on and on to long for me to type out maybe someday I will. He refuses to treat me so no primary care doctor.
Since March 4th My heart rate has been between 100-150 at rest (very rate will it go to normal), I have vomited, been jolted out of my sleep with anxiety attacks, I have major panic attacks and in a depression.
March 9th my mom had a colon scope done and was told she has colon cancer. She has surgery on April 22nd to remove the cancer and then they will stage the cancer to see if she needs chemo.
March 29th my heart rate was so high I went to a different ER where they did a ton of blood work, gave me an IV, chest xray and did an EKG. The blood work that came back quick was normal and I had a few tests that take longer so they said they would call me.
April 1st. I got close to fainting 2 times and my blood pressure went from high to low. I was so sick and shaky that I emailed Keith (my xbf) to tell him goodbye in case I died. Went back to the ER that night and they just did an EKG and said to follow up with my heart tests.
This Thursday April 9th I go in to have an Echo of my heart and a 24 hour monitor placed on it.
Today the hospital ER called me to tell me one of my tests came back positive for H. pylori the bacteria that causes peptic ulcers and now I have to see a doctor to get treatment for that. Most of the pills they use to treat that I can't even take. H. pylori also can lead to stomach cancer many years down the line if not treated. I might have to have a scope done of my stomach as well. I decided to put this off till after my moms surgery. So I assume I will try to make an appointment with a new primary care doctor around May 1st.
I have no health insurance so I am applying yet again for medicaid which I am always denied for.
In 4 months I have lost my 5 year relationship, Become very ill and my mother has cancer. I cry all the time and have so much anxiety (part of which was caused by that stupid pill)
I went emotionally numb for a few mins today. I couldn't feel anything..I felt dead. This is all really too much to handle. So this is why I have not been writing and there is so much more detail to all of this, but I just wanted to do a short update.
If you happen to be having your own problems with benzo withdrawal please see the following sites for information.
http://www.benzo.org.uk
http://www.benzowithdrawal.com
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Gerson Therapy - Tape 1
I like to watch different alternative views on different subjects. I just got done watching this today on google video. It most likely will not be up forever, so take time to watch it if you wish. Take what is helpful from it for you and leave the rest behind.
Where is Brian?
Back in Dec. I started feeling a lump in my throat down at the base where it connects to the chest. It is not a lump you can feel with your fingers, but more on the inside. It started out as a thumping that would come and go. After about a month and a half it slowed down and seemed to be going away. Recently it has returned and become more pronounced. The feeling of it has changed though it is more of a fluttering in my throat. If anything it seems more heart related now, but I am unsure what it is or where it is coming from.
For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.
I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.
Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.
There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.
Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)
"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.
Brian"
"Hi Brian,
I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.
I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.
Love,
******"
I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.
For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.
I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.
Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.
There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.
Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)
"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.
Brian"
"Hi Brian,
I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.
I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.
Love,
******"
I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment
Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment
For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com
For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com
Friday, February 6, 2009
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