Smoking

I wanted to wait a week before I wrote about this, but on Jan. 2nd 2009 at 11:11am I finally quit smoking.

The first three days were the hardest. The withdrawal part is now over. The only issue I continue to have is the habit itself. For example when I first wake up in the morning or when I start my car I feel the need to light a cigarette. That feeling will pass in time.

One thing I do not have is the need to have something in my mouth. People keep saying stuff like carrot sticks, lollipops, etc etc... that is not helpful in my situation because it was never about an oral fixation with me...I just wanted the drug.

Here is how I quit. I decided while smoking a cigarette that morning that I really no longer wanted to be a smoker. I went to the pharmacy, bought a box of "step 2" patches (14 mg), came home, smoked one last cigarette and stuck a patch on.

I only used one patch to get me through the first 24 hours and went cold turkey after that.

One promise I am making to myself. I will never become one of those annoying ex-smokers that end up lecturing everyone about quitting.

So do I feel better? Well it has only been a week. So far I have noticed my morning breath is a lot better, my gums do not bleed as easily, my gums are also turning pink. I have also noticed that I am sleeping deeper.

Anyway I just wanted to write a short blog about that. :-)

Happy New Years

Sometimes I forget I am gay and on and off I am lonely. To be honest I think I have always dated beneath me, either look wise, or intellectually wise or both. It tends to be both. I think it is because if they are too cute I assume they will just cheat and leave faster. After all I am not cute enough compared to them in my mind anyway. Or I find someone who likes the same stuff I do (for the most part anyway) and I am not sexually attracted to them that much or at all.

I would like a really cute guy who only had eyes for me and who I could talk to about everything and we would share the same interests. That way when the first love wore off we would still have things in common. Also it can't be all look based because things happen, we age, get ill ..whatever it is. Just at first I want him to be really cute and make me feel cute. I also want someone who won't cheat and for once actually be a little jealous if they thought I was cheating. Not over kill just a little worry that I might actually leave them. No one ever seems to care if I leave.

I don't even know if what I want exists and if he does what if he lives in England and could never come here because he has anxiety too? That means he is cute and lonely and nervous walking around London with a broken heart because I am sitting here in Albany, NY. :-)

I don't know if I want to date Americans anymore. We look ok, but we are pretty stupid and selfish. I need to find someone that now lives here from another country. Canada, any country in the European Union, Russia or Australia would do. I kind of want a cute Russian or some guy with a British accent so even when he is being mean to me he sounds polite.

I think it is important also what the guys values are, family life, and how open minded he is. I want him to see that like now when I am depressed I sleep, feel sick, might cry and want to just hold him. I don't want it to scare him or burden him. I just want him to hold me and let it pass.

Tonight is the first night I have cried in weeks. I am not even completely sure what I am crying over. I just know I feel awful. I also know that even though I am glad my xbf left...I am some times beyond pissed off at him that he did this. He took something very important away from me. Our friendship. I know he is there, we write in brief, stupid, plain, almost fake emails to each other. I assume if I wanted to actually hang out with him I could. I just don't want to because the idea hurts to much. I don't know if I want to hug him or back hand him.

Call me immature or spoiled, but when I find out that his and my life are getting to intertwined before I am ready for that, I can't help but feel angry and distance myself more form people.

Unfortunately I know so many people in Albany, mostly casually know them and I get these emails from different people. Together they are parts of a puzzle that all fit together. I think my xbf would be surprised that I know almost everything he has done from the time he has moved out till New Years Eve. I assume he thinks I know nothing, but it seems I have this network of spy's that report to me no matter if I want them too or not.

I am not even sure how that came about. Maybe because people are open with me, but over all I get reports from three different cities I have lived in on at least a weekly bases. Even the people who are reporting to me, others are reporting to me on them. I know who my true friends are, they are the ones I never get reports on, because they have not said anything bad about me. I keep my "spy list" private some are even friends with each other and have no clue the other knows me and reports drama back to me as well. I swear it is very Mafia and somehow I am their ringleader. I assume it happens because I never tell their secrets. People find out very early that they can trust me.

My xbf's email will come telling me how he was just resting up all weekend. Yet I already know where he was at midnight the night before. He is trying to spare my feelings I assume and the others are trying to be helpful because none of them really want to hurt me...well maybe a few do, but for most they think they are doing me a favor and sometimes they are.

Most of the people I have met in real life recently have been OK. But this one that I met. I made it so clear I just wanted to be friends. Invited him over a few time, but due to weather it couldn't happen. Then I get an email about how he met someone and he is so happy. Never heard from him again, at least not yet. The funny thing is why am I dropped because he now has a boyfriend? I even wrote back saying I was happy for him and maybe we could watch TV sometime. I never did get a reply from that email. I mean after all HELLO just wanted to be your friend. Either way it is done now. Weeks from now if I get an email it will be ignored. That is one thing I will not allow as I shop around for new people in my life.

I am also getting tired of the Jtv camera. I have no plans of turning it off....yet. There are some people who watch me that I really care about and they know who they are. I am tired of answering the same questions over and over. And worse there are some idiots who no matter how much I explain something they never get it. It is like I know the blog is long, but seriously read it....read it all and if you do and still don't get it then do me a favor and remove yourself from my life because all you do is drain me. Most never even try to read it though. They pop in and out wanting a show. Believe me if I wanted to put on a show it would be on a different cam site and I would be getting paid for it.

I love when people say I am always sitting on the couch when I am on cam. It is like hmmmm OK morons. The cam is hooked to the lamp. It is on the couch so when I type on my laptop you can see me. The cam is not a hover craft that follows me around when I use the phone, go to the kitchen, take a shower or go to the supermarket. So yes when you see me I am on the finest of Wal-mart couches circa 1995 hehe.

The cam is fake anyway. Anyone that private messages me or email me knows that anyway. I sit there when I am stable. Otherwise people would be bitching that I am always on that couch, crying and curled in a ball. Come to think of it. The camera is like real life. I show myself when I am ready and when I feel simi balanced. I talk to most people in real life about nothing and I talk to most camera people about nothing.

I also don't talk on cam, that would drain me, been there and done that. Thank god my computer has a long delay so I have an excuse not to talk. The camera now thanks to a friend has the finest of sound coming from my TV set 24/7 hehe.

I think the people who really don't get to know me think I am a bitch or boring. Both on camera and in real life. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a bitch or boring I am just very tired and at times very lost. Also people who talk to me on a more personal level start to get pieces of my life, start to see why I am the way I am and sometimes even have respect for me. Those are the people I keep.

I woke up at 2am. That is not helping matters. At the same time right now I do not have the energy or care enough to fix it. In time it will and it tends to fix when it does on its own. I am wasting my time fighting it anyway. I am just going to sleep when I sleep, eat when I am hungry. I refuse to weigh myself because I just don't want to know if I dropped anymore weight. I will check in a month or so and see if I am surprised that I gained a few pounds.

One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines

Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam





The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.

Feeling Blah

I am not really feeling that well today. I got ready to go to the supermarket and started to feel sick to my stomach, but not from anxiety. I drank some juice before I went to see if it would help. I took my xanax around 11:30am anyway so I definitely was not nervous. That unpleasant issue I talked about before with the pale stools (by pale I mean gray) have been still happening on and off for the past year, but the tests were all normal so who knows what my issue is. My liver levels were fine and the ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gallbladder were all normal. Which is no surprise, I tend to always have normal results for medical tests. Outside of the anxiety no one can really explain why I get days were I get very ill and just have to wait till it passes.

I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.

While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.

When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on Justin.tv I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.

My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.

So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.

Social Skills

I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.

On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.

The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.

I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.

I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.

I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.

OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.

When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."