Friday, January 2, 2009

Happy New Years

Sometimes I forget I am gay and on and off I am lonely. To be honest I think I have always dated beneath me, either look wise, or intellectually wise or both. It tends to be both. I think it is because if they are too cute I assume they will just cheat and leave faster. After all I am not cute enough compared to them in my mind anyway. Or I find someone who likes the same stuff I do (for the most part anyway) and I am not sexually attracted to them that much or at all.

I would like a really cute guy who only had eyes for me and who I could talk to about everything and we would share the same interests. That way when the first love wore off we would still have things in common. Also it can't be all look based because things happen, we age, get ill ..whatever it is. Just at first I want him to be really cute and make me feel cute. I also want someone who won't cheat and for once actually be a little jealous if they thought I was cheating. Not over kill just a little worry that I might actually leave them. No one ever seems to care if I leave.

I don't even know if what I want exists and if he does what if he lives in England and could never come here because he has anxiety too? That means he is cute and lonely and nervous walking around London with a broken heart because I am sitting here in Albany, NY. :-)

I don't know if I want to date Americans anymore. We look ok, but we are pretty stupid and selfish. I need to find someone that now lives here from another country. Canada, any country in the European Union, Russia or Australia would do. I kind of want a cute Russian or some guy with a British accent so even when he is being mean to me he sounds polite.

I think it is important also what the guys values are, family life, and how open minded he is. I want him to see that like now when I am depressed I sleep, feel sick, might cry and want to just hold him. I don't want it to scare him or burden him. I just want him to hold me and let it pass.

Tonight is the first night I have cried in weeks. I am not even completely sure what I am crying over. I just know I feel awful. I also know that even though I am glad my xbf left...I am some times beyond pissed off at him that he did this. He took something very important away from me. Our friendship. I know he is there, we write in brief, stupid, plain, almost fake emails to each other. I assume if I wanted to actually hang out with him I could. I just don't want to because the idea hurts to much. I don't know if I want to hug him or back hand him.

Call me immature or spoiled, but when I find out that his and my life are getting to intertwined before I am ready for that, I can't help but feel angry and distance myself more form people.

Unfortunately I know so many people in Albany, mostly casually know them and I get these emails from different people. Together they are parts of a puzzle that all fit together. I think my xbf would be surprised that I know almost everything he has done from the time he has moved out till New Years Eve. I assume he thinks I know nothing, but it seems I have this network of spy's that report to me no matter if I want them too or not.

I am not even sure how that came about. Maybe because people are open with me, but over all I get reports from three different cities I have lived in on at least a weekly bases. Even the people who are reporting to me, others are reporting to me on them. I know who my true friends are, they are the ones I never get reports on, because they have not said anything bad about me. I keep my "spy list" private some are even friends with each other and have no clue the other knows me and reports drama back to me as well. I swear it is very Mafia and somehow I am their ringleader. I assume it happens because I never tell their secrets. People find out very early that they can trust me.

My xbf's email will come telling me how he was just resting up all weekend. Yet I already know where he was at midnight the night before. He is trying to spare my feelings I assume and the others are trying to be helpful because none of them really want to hurt me...well maybe a few do, but for most they think they are doing me a favor and sometimes they are.

Most of the people I have met in real life recently have been OK. But this one that I met. I made it so clear I just wanted to be friends. Invited him over a few time, but due to weather it couldn't happen. Then I get an email about how he met someone and he is so happy. Never heard from him again, at least not yet. The funny thing is why am I dropped because he now has a boyfriend? I even wrote back saying I was happy for him and maybe we could watch TV sometime. I never did get a reply from that email. I mean after all HELLO just wanted to be your friend. Either way it is done now. Weeks from now if I get an email it will be ignored. That is one thing I will not allow as I shop around for new people in my life.

I am also getting tired of the Jtv camera. I have no plans of turning it off....yet. There are some people who watch me that I really care about and they know who they are. I am tired of answering the same questions over and over. And worse there are some idiots who no matter how much I explain something they never get it. It is like I know the blog is long, but seriously read it all and if you do and still don't get it then do me a favor and remove yourself from my life because all you do is drain me. Most never even try to read it though. They pop in and out wanting a show. Believe me if I wanted to put on a show it would be on a different cam site and I would be getting paid for it.

I love when people say I am always sitting on the couch when I am on cam. It is like hmmmm OK morons. The cam is hooked to the lamp. It is on the couch so when I type on my laptop you can see me. The cam is not a hover craft that follows me around when I use the phone, go to the kitchen, take a shower or go to the supermarket. So yes when you see me I am on the finest of Wal-mart couches circa 1995 hehe.

The cam is fake anyway. Anyone that private messages me or email me knows that anyway. I sit there when I am stable. Otherwise people would be bitching that I am always on that couch, crying and curled in a ball. Come to think of it. The camera is like real life. I show myself when I am ready and when I feel simi balanced. I talk to most people in real life about nothing and I talk to most camera people about nothing.

I also don't talk on cam, that would drain me, been there and done that. Thank god my computer has a long delay so I have an excuse not to talk. The camera now thanks to a friend has the finest of sound coming from my TV set 24/7 hehe.

I think the people who really don't get to know me think I am a bitch or boring. Both on camera and in real life. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a bitch or boring I am just very tired and at times very lost. Also people who talk to me on a more personal level start to get pieces of my life, start to see why I am the way I am and sometimes even have respect for me. Those are the people I keep.

I woke up at 2am. That is not helping matters. At the same time right now I do not have the energy or care enough to fix it. In time it will and it tends to fix when it does on its own. I am wasting my time fighting it anyway. I am just going to sleep when I sleep, eat when I am hungry. I refuse to weigh myself because I just don't want to know if I dropped anymore weight. I will check in a month or so and see if I am surprised that I gained a few pounds.


Anonymous said...

Hi... I found you on youtube because some days a go I'm searching for a videos about Agoraphobia.
I suffer ttoo.
I live in Italy, Italians are stupid about this problems, they doesn't care.
So, I read you blog, and I love your videos, you are so sincere, so true.
Sorry for my bad english, I can't explain exactly wath I meand to say...

Love your blog. I'll will read you and your life.
Good Luck!!

See you

adrainchong said...

Can u spent more time to write u blog?Cuz i really like to saw what hav u been post on blog.Sometime i feel alone i will read the blog,that is my only way show my feeling.If u busy that never mind.
tv member)

Anonymous said...

Hello..nice video..nice to meet you