The day my xbf left. Most of the day was going well. I was watching tv while he was packing up his car for his first trip to move stuff out to his new place. I felt surprisingly good, but I was tired. Because I was so tired I did not feel safe driving so I called my mom and asked if it would be ok if my dad drove my thanksgiving dinner over to me instead of me picking it up. She said that was fine. They only live about a mile from me anyway.
My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.
He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.
I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.
Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.
When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.
I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).
I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.
So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.
I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.
My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.
Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving and Therapy
Holidays are not an easy time for me. For as long as I can remember I find them depressing. All except Halloween. I don't even like my birthday. I always get morbid thoughts about dying in a car crash around a holiday or someone I love dying on a holiday. You know the stuff cheesy lifetime movies are made of. The kind of movie where the whole family grieves every year for decades because they lost so and so on Christmas.
My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.
My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.
I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.
I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.
I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.
My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.
My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.
I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.
I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.
I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.
Hypochondriac
So soon after my xbf went to work this morning I started to itch on my hip where the elastic band is on my boxers. So I look and I have a hive the size of a pencil eraser. So I think about what I ate in the past few hours and some of the things include tomato juice, walnuts, egg and beans. You know all the foods that are high allergy risk. So if a food did cause it I have no clue which. I also had taken a xanax a few hours before.
So it is a single hive and I feel fine and it seems to be going away, however I am worried I am going to go into complete anaphylactic shock. Now I am also fearful that my first reaction was mild and the next time I eat the offending food I will end up in the ER unable to breathe.
I am also aware that maybe the elastic band poked me the wrong way and that is the cause.
Of course being the hypochondriac I am I looked up hives and it says 80% are of unknown reason and can be caused by stress. Though I am always under stress and have been threw breakups before. So I don't think I have a stress hive.
A few years ago I broke out with a single hive on my knee and had ate a peach and sunflower seeds that day. I stopped eating peaches since and I don't think I have had sunflower seeds either. I doubt I am allergic to either. I would get tested, but you know I don't like blood and needles. Maybe someday.
Not that any of this matters what is going to happen is what is going to happen...it just really gets to me. Like really did I need to get a hive right now? I would assume it was a spider bite, but no clue how a spider would get there. I tried to take a picture of it to show my doctor the next time I go, which is what the dermatology page said to do, but it wont show in the picture.
My mom said she use to get hives after eating oranges and now she doesn't. Why she continued to eat them is beyond me. She was on this medication years ago and had taken it for a long time on and off and never had a problem. Then one day her tongue swelled up so bad she couldn't talk and was taken to the ER. It got so big so fast she couldn't talk properly for a month. I think I was 3 when that happened and don't remember it.
So it is a single hive and I feel fine and it seems to be going away, however I am worried I am going to go into complete anaphylactic shock. Now I am also fearful that my first reaction was mild and the next time I eat the offending food I will end up in the ER unable to breathe.
I am also aware that maybe the elastic band poked me the wrong way and that is the cause.
Of course being the hypochondriac I am I looked up hives and it says 80% are of unknown reason and can be caused by stress. Though I am always under stress and have been threw breakups before. So I don't think I have a stress hive.
A few years ago I broke out with a single hive on my knee and had ate a peach and sunflower seeds that day. I stopped eating peaches since and I don't think I have had sunflower seeds either. I doubt I am allergic to either. I would get tested, but you know I don't like blood and needles. Maybe someday.
Not that any of this matters what is going to happen is what is going to happen...it just really gets to me. Like really did I need to get a hive right now? I would assume it was a spider bite, but no clue how a spider would get there. I tried to take a picture of it to show my doctor the next time I go, which is what the dermatology page said to do, but it wont show in the picture.
My mom said she use to get hives after eating oranges and now she doesn't. Why she continued to eat them is beyond me. She was on this medication years ago and had taken it for a long time on and off and never had a problem. Then one day her tongue swelled up so bad she couldn't talk and was taken to the ER. It got so big so fast she couldn't talk properly for a month. I think I was 3 when that happened and don't remember it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Depression and Insomnia: All in the Gut?
I have been watching this guys videos for sometime and although I disagree at times with him on some issues he is well worth watching. Watch two of his videos and see what you think. If you like him, just click one of the videos and it will open up to youtube. Then you can subscribe to his videos. I have a great appreciation for anyone who is trying to help people and thinking outside of the box. He is one of the many I have admiration for.
**note as always if a video no longer works please email me so I can remove it or replace it.
**note as always if a video no longer works please email me so I can remove it or replace it.
Olive Oil of Death
**This took place at 11:30pm Nov. 24th so it has been 24 hours...so far so good.**
So I go into the kitchen and take 2 tablespoons of olive oil and eat it. Putting the jar away I notice a black fungus/mold looking thing at the bottom..almost the shape of an earth worm. Looking closer it appears to have black spores in the jelly shaped object. It is not past its expiration date and the last bottle I had never did this. So then I am like what the hell?
So I try to find anything online that looks like it. They say it can get cloudy, but I looked at pictures and it is not that kind of cloudy, but a black cloudy worm shape.
I shook the bottle and it went away and then settled again. I threw it out. Then I took it out of the trash and put it in a plastic bag so I can sue the damn company if I get sick.
The only thing I can find related to olive oil is garlic in olive oil, which this is not. That food poisoning (olive oil w/ garlic) is Botulism. Oh how fun that would be. I would have to be put on a breathing machine and since it is so rare in the United States the hospital has to call the CDC and the antitoxin has to be flown in from Atlanta GA. Botulism can kill me or put me in Intensive Care.
And here is the kicker....it starts usually between 18-36 hours, but as soon as 6 hours and as late at 10 days. 10 DAYS!! Are you kidding me?? So I took 1000mg of vitamin C in hopes whatever the hell it was the acid from the C might kill some of it. If I still drank alcohol I would so be taking shots of vodka to try to kill it.
I am never buying that imported brand from Italy again. So do I feel simi sick to my stomach right now? Yup, but that most likely is 100% placebo effect. What I have to look for is double vision, muscle paralysis and drooping eye lids.
I just want to know what the hell it was..like am I going to be fine? Will I just get the runs? Or am I going to face multiple organ transplants and death? That would be fitting with everything going on in my life right now.
Now am I in a panic?. Not really. I almost don't care. I can at least say this is beyond my control and I cannot be blamed for it. Not that I want food poisoning.
For the record the oil I ate was clear, tasted fine and no bad smells either.
OK just had to share that and will be much happier after 36 hours and then even happier after 10 days.
So I go into the kitchen and take 2 tablespoons of olive oil and eat it. Putting the jar away I notice a black fungus/mold looking thing at the bottom..almost the shape of an earth worm. Looking closer it appears to have black spores in the jelly shaped object. It is not past its expiration date and the last bottle I had never did this. So then I am like what the hell?
So I try to find anything online that looks like it. They say it can get cloudy, but I looked at pictures and it is not that kind of cloudy, but a black cloudy worm shape.
I shook the bottle and it went away and then settled again. I threw it out. Then I took it out of the trash and put it in a plastic bag so I can sue the damn company if I get sick.
The only thing I can find related to olive oil is garlic in olive oil, which this is not. That food poisoning (olive oil w/ garlic) is Botulism. Oh how fun that would be. I would have to be put on a breathing machine and since it is so rare in the United States the hospital has to call the CDC and the antitoxin has to be flown in from Atlanta GA. Botulism can kill me or put me in Intensive Care.
And here is the kicker....it starts usually between 18-36 hours, but as soon as 6 hours and as late at 10 days. 10 DAYS!! Are you kidding me?? So I took 1000mg of vitamin C in hopes whatever the hell it was the acid from the C might kill some of it. If I still drank alcohol I would so be taking shots of vodka to try to kill it.
I am never buying that imported brand from Italy again. So do I feel simi sick to my stomach right now? Yup, but that most likely is 100% placebo effect. What I have to look for is double vision, muscle paralysis and drooping eye lids.
I just want to know what the hell it was..like am I going to be fine? Will I just get the runs? Or am I going to face multiple organ transplants and death? That would be fitting with everything going on in my life right now.
Now am I in a panic?. Not really. I almost don't care. I can at least say this is beyond my control and I cannot be blamed for it. Not that I want food poisoning.
For the record the oil I ate was clear, tasted fine and no bad smells either.
OK just had to share that and will be much happier after 36 hours and then even happier after 10 days.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Anatomy of a Breakup
I had not ate very much food or slept very much for about two days from all the stress of the breakup. I had a therapy appointment on Nov. 18th at 3:00pm that I had to end up canceling because that was the day my xbf and I had to go down to the rental office to explain to them that he was moving out and I was going to assume the lease. He was suppose to come home from work to go down with me at 9:15am. I had been up all night and was just going to stay up till he got in, then take a quick nap before I had to get back up and see my therapist. 9:15am came and went and by 10:00am I fell asleep. He got home at 10:43am and I woke up and I was mad at his disregard that I had to be some place later and he knew I had been up all night. He didn't seem to care and we fought over that.
I told him to go down to the rental office alone and if they need me I will go down the next day and deal with it. I just needed sleep. I called the therapist office and canceled my appointment. I was just to tired to go or to drive. It was rescheduled for Nov. 20th at 1:00pm. The next morning (Nov 19th) I went down to the office around 1030am and did what I needed to do to assume the lease. I really did not sleep and cried most of the day.
My xbf when he first started looking for a place to live found a girl online who was looking for a roommate, but that did not work out so he started looking for his own apartment. He told me he thought it was for the best anyway because he needed to be alone and have his own space. We also had a talk a few days before that we would like to remain friends. Giving each other space at first, sending an email to each other a few times a week, not talking about anything personal, just how his job was going or talk about interesting news or youtube videos we saw. (We talked about the news a lot in our relationship). The goal was to keep it neutral nothing personal so no ones feelings would get hurt...mainly mine since I am the one who has issues with this breakup.
Nov. 20th at 1pm on very little sleep and hardly any solid food I went to my therapist appointment. We were talking about the breakup and I started to feel sort of faint. I mentioned to her I felt like I was going to pass out, but that I figured it was just anxiety. I continued to tell her about how everyone so far locally that I met online I would not want to be friends with and that they were either messes or we just are not compatible. She said "Everyone??" like a therapist does when you make a statement. I then felt like ice cold water was running down the insides of my upper arms and said "you know I really don't feel that well." and she asked if I wanted to leave and I said yea and that I was sorry. She said it was fine and that I just need to eat and asked if I would be ok getting home. I told her I would be. I really don't know if it was anxiety or lack of sleep and food or maybe all of it mixed.
When we got out to the waiting area she was writing an appointment card out for me to come back my usual time on Tuesday at 3pm. I had only been there for 20 mins. The ghetto girl at the desk started laughing and the girl next to her was trying to hold back from laughing. I am not the type of person to think that when someone is laughing it is about me. However I can tell when it is and it was because I just got there and now leaving so soon. I assume my therapist thought maybe the same because as she was writing my appointment card she said to the girl "Is everything ok?" and the girl did not respond. I left and drove home. I figured if I started to black out I would pull the car over. I got home fine and still felt crappy for a few hours and just drank some V8 juice.
That night my xbf came home and told me that he had maybe found a roommate. That he had emailed this guy back when he had emailed the girl who was looking for a roommate and that he had not replied because he was on vacation and just got back and got my xbf's email. He had went over and looked at the place and it was nice. Turns out the guy is a 33 year old professional and is gay too (he said he didn't know he was gay when he answered the ad). My stomach turned. I had just got use to and liked the idea of him living alone, but now he was moving in with a gay guy and it just cut so deep. So I cried for 2 hours till my brain adjusted itself or the xanax kicked in...whichever. My xbf gave me the intersection where the apartment was located, but there was no such intersection in Albany. I am from here so I figured he just had it wrong.
After he went to bed at random I just went on craigslist to see if I could find the ad and see where it was and maybe a picture of the apartment building. Turns out the ad was placed only 72 hours before. The day that my xbf told me he figured it would be best if he lived alone. The ad also states that the guy was gay. So he lied to me about the whole thing. I was pissed and hurt and went into the bedroom and told him I knew he was lying and then he got all mad because I was "spying on him". I believed everything he said I was just looking because there was no such intersection. I was not trying to catch him in a lie. So we fought over that and I ended up leaving and sitting in my car, smoking cigs for about half an hour till I felt relaxed enough to come back inside. Being agoraphobic it was weird. I no longer felt safe inside. It was like a reverse anxiety attack. I had to get outside into the cold air.
He told me that he was meeting this guy on Friday night at a restaurant. Which even if that is the truth I don't believe plus there is a gay bar right across the street. So Friday Nov. 21st he came home with a haircut and all new clothes from several different stores. Took a shower and took a taxi to go meet this guy. He left at 8pm and had told me the day before he would be back around 10:30pm however he got home about 1am.
I said nothing about the new clothes, the haircut or where he even went with his possible new gay "roommate". When he got home he stayed up for about 20 mins then told me he was going to bed. I said ok and since he did not tell me anything I asked if he was going to be moving in with that guy. He said "yea". I said "soon or around the 1st" and he said "next Sunday". The next morning "Sunday" has turned into "this Thursday" so I guess he will be leaving on Thanksgiving. I assume he will be coming and going for a few days so maybe he is moving Thursday-Sunday.
I don't think I have ever smoked so many cigarettes in my life. My weight has dropped. I am 148 lbs. Last year this time I was 165 lbs. My heart has been skipping so much, normally that would scare me, but so far I just don't care. I am sleeping ok it is just that I am sleeping all day and up all night. Yesterday I started eating again and ate even more today. I just eat what I can and then after my stomach settles down I eat a little more. I have not cried in almost 2 days, but that is going to change tonight. I could hold it in, but why bother. I think it needs to come out.
I would hope that things would be working out better for me since I am not the one ending this relationship, but here it goes.
His new rent $255 + half the bills. Mine $780 + all the bills
He has a job and see's people. I can't work right now and see no one.
He will be living with someone. I will be living alone.
He can go to the gay bars and drink and meet people. I can't go to the gay bars because I am an alcoholic and too weak right now to be around alcohol.
My parents of course pay for me to live and this is going to be a giant burden on them. I can't find a roommate right away for several reasons. Because of how I am with anxiety I can't live with a stranger and right now I don't know anyone well enough to live with them. Plus I just need some time to grieve and be alone till I am ready to socialize. Like after I am eating like a normal human again and my heart stops flipping around.
Since I get a new therapist (student in training) every year this year I sped things up by printing out parts of my blog for her to read to get her up to speed on my life. So I think she knows about the online blog. I never told her it was an online blog, but one time she said "so is it like an online blog?" I said "sort of". I figure anyone could type any part of my blog in on google and find it right away. So sometimes I just figure she could be reading it...who knows.
As for therapy I think I am done. I have been going for about 3 years now and it has not done a damn thing for me. Every week I go and basically paying her to listen to me. The truth is I go just to see a different human being and talk. Since I don't have any really good friends right now in real life it is like I am renting one. I also find myself annoyed over the years sometimes for lack of understanding, other times because I have been through this so many times nothing new is said to me.
For one example. If anyone of you read my blog enough you know I am scared to death of having a tetanus shot and have not had one since I was about 7 years old. I am way overdue. This Nov. my xbf was suppose to take me because I felt safer with him than if my parents took me. There is a good chance I could faint from it and I know from experience after I faint I am in no shape to drive. I don't just bounce back from it like some people. I am also scared to death of the vaccine itself. I don't feel personally it is a safe product and side effects can occur up to 6 weeks after the injection. I have a fear of fainting as well and since it might cause me to faint it is a double edged sword. Some side effects of the vaccine can be seizures up to 4 days after the shot. I also have a major fear seizures. So again it hypes me up. To put in simply. Even though I know I most likely will be fine like everyone else a part of my brain believes the day I get that shot is the day I am going to die and if not die end up crippled for life. My body then reacts to that thought like it is real. So making an appointment to get that shot is like asking you at some point next month pick the day you want to die.
I brought the tetanus shot up for a reason. I have moved it off a few months till I settle down from the breakup. So I won't be smoking so much and basically be in better shape to deal with the stress because right now I am pushed to the max with stress. I brought up to my therapist that it will be hard on me to see him pack up his stuff and leave. She says to me "Well maybe while he is packing up to distract yourself, maybe that would be a good time for your father to take you over to get your tetanus shot." Are you fucking kidding me?? Do you fucking get this at all? So while I am feeling like death, not eating, not sleeping and about to be left completely alone it would be a good time to go get the shot I deem as something that is going to kill me. Then come home to an empty house with no one to talk to and sit in fear for 6 weeks till I know I am ok?? Seriously what the fuck?
Now I have debated in my head if I should go back one last time to prove to myself that I am not just staying away because I felt faint the last time I was there. Then just not return and be done with it. I am leaning towards just not going back. Why push myself and make things worse? I already know I could go back again and that being at the therapists didn't make me feel faint. But high anxiety or not eating most likely did. I am tired of pushing myself. I am tired of being tired.
For 17 years I have dealt with many substandard friendships and relationships and substandard jobs and substandard medical care (except my lung, oral surgeon they were great.) I think I am done with the substandard therapy. Maybe someday if I have health insurance I will see a professional again and not a student. I have before, but it has been a very long time. I feel so awful and to think I am on xanax. I wonder how bad I would feel without being on it. I can't even imagine.
So now I am waiting for him to leave. For his key to be handed to me and for the door to close for the last time. From there where things go I don't know. I guess there is only two ways things can go. They can get better or they can get worse. And like I always tell people I am not suicidal. I am to nosy to be suicidal, meaning I have to find out how the story ends. I want to see what happens with my life because I always have held out hope that someday things would be better. Plus sometimes I have good days, days so good I forget I even have an anxiety disorder and I forget all the bad stuff from my past. I live for those days no matter how rare they are. Plus through it all I know someone is worse off than me and it could be a lot worse than what it is. Even if my heart stopped beating right this second I am older than many people on this planet have lived to be. Call me a sucker, but before I die I want the happy ending. I just hope I get it.
Even after everything I still would like to get to a place where my xbf and I could be friends eventually. And of course I have the 5% fantasy that he will leave and the harsh reality of the world will hit him and he will remember how nice I was and come back to me. But like I said it is only 5% and I am not counting on it.
I told him to go down to the rental office alone and if they need me I will go down the next day and deal with it. I just needed sleep. I called the therapist office and canceled my appointment. I was just to tired to go or to drive. It was rescheduled for Nov. 20th at 1:00pm. The next morning (Nov 19th) I went down to the office around 1030am and did what I needed to do to assume the lease. I really did not sleep and cried most of the day.
My xbf when he first started looking for a place to live found a girl online who was looking for a roommate, but that did not work out so he started looking for his own apartment. He told me he thought it was for the best anyway because he needed to be alone and have his own space. We also had a talk a few days before that we would like to remain friends. Giving each other space at first, sending an email to each other a few times a week, not talking about anything personal, just how his job was going or talk about interesting news or youtube videos we saw. (We talked about the news a lot in our relationship). The goal was to keep it neutral nothing personal so no ones feelings would get hurt...mainly mine since I am the one who has issues with this breakup.
Nov. 20th at 1pm on very little sleep and hardly any solid food I went to my therapist appointment. We were talking about the breakup and I started to feel sort of faint. I mentioned to her I felt like I was going to pass out, but that I figured it was just anxiety. I continued to tell her about how everyone so far locally that I met online I would not want to be friends with and that they were either messes or we just are not compatible. She said "Everyone??" like a therapist does when you make a statement. I then felt like ice cold water was running down the insides of my upper arms and said "you know I really don't feel that well." and she asked if I wanted to leave and I said yea and that I was sorry. She said it was fine and that I just need to eat and asked if I would be ok getting home. I told her I would be. I really don't know if it was anxiety or lack of sleep and food or maybe all of it mixed.
When we got out to the waiting area she was writing an appointment card out for me to come back my usual time on Tuesday at 3pm. I had only been there for 20 mins. The ghetto girl at the desk started laughing and the girl next to her was trying to hold back from laughing. I am not the type of person to think that when someone is laughing it is about me. However I can tell when it is and it was because I just got there and now leaving so soon. I assume my therapist thought maybe the same because as she was writing my appointment card she said to the girl "Is everything ok?" and the girl did not respond. I left and drove home. I figured if I started to black out I would pull the car over. I got home fine and still felt crappy for a few hours and just drank some V8 juice.
That night my xbf came home and told me that he had maybe found a roommate. That he had emailed this guy back when he had emailed the girl who was looking for a roommate and that he had not replied because he was on vacation and just got back and got my xbf's email. He had went over and looked at the place and it was nice. Turns out the guy is a 33 year old professional and is gay too (he said he didn't know he was gay when he answered the ad). My stomach turned. I had just got use to and liked the idea of him living alone, but now he was moving in with a gay guy and it just cut so deep. So I cried for 2 hours till my brain adjusted itself or the xanax kicked in...whichever. My xbf gave me the intersection where the apartment was located, but there was no such intersection in Albany. I am from here so I figured he just had it wrong.
After he went to bed at random I just went on craigslist to see if I could find the ad and see where it was and maybe a picture of the apartment building. Turns out the ad was placed only 72 hours before. The day that my xbf told me he figured it would be best if he lived alone. The ad also states that the guy was gay. So he lied to me about the whole thing. I was pissed and hurt and went into the bedroom and told him I knew he was lying and then he got all mad because I was "spying on him". I believed everything he said I was just looking because there was no such intersection. I was not trying to catch him in a lie. So we fought over that and I ended up leaving and sitting in my car, smoking cigs for about half an hour till I felt relaxed enough to come back inside. Being agoraphobic it was weird. I no longer felt safe inside. It was like a reverse anxiety attack. I had to get outside into the cold air.
He told me that he was meeting this guy on Friday night at a restaurant. Which even if that is the truth I don't believe plus there is a gay bar right across the street. So Friday Nov. 21st he came home with a haircut and all new clothes from several different stores. Took a shower and took a taxi to go meet this guy. He left at 8pm and had told me the day before he would be back around 10:30pm however he got home about 1am.
I said nothing about the new clothes, the haircut or where he even went with his possible new gay "roommate". When he got home he stayed up for about 20 mins then told me he was going to bed. I said ok and since he did not tell me anything I asked if he was going to be moving in with that guy. He said "yea". I said "soon or around the 1st" and he said "next Sunday". The next morning "Sunday" has turned into "this Thursday" so I guess he will be leaving on Thanksgiving. I assume he will be coming and going for a few days so maybe he is moving Thursday-Sunday.
I don't think I have ever smoked so many cigarettes in my life. My weight has dropped. I am 148 lbs. Last year this time I was 165 lbs. My heart has been skipping so much, normally that would scare me, but so far I just don't care. I am sleeping ok it is just that I am sleeping all day and up all night. Yesterday I started eating again and ate even more today. I just eat what I can and then after my stomach settles down I eat a little more. I have not cried in almost 2 days, but that is going to change tonight. I could hold it in, but why bother. I think it needs to come out.
I would hope that things would be working out better for me since I am not the one ending this relationship, but here it goes.
His new rent $255 + half the bills. Mine $780 + all the bills
He has a job and see's people. I can't work right now and see no one.
He will be living with someone. I will be living alone.
He can go to the gay bars and drink and meet people. I can't go to the gay bars because I am an alcoholic and too weak right now to be around alcohol.
My parents of course pay for me to live and this is going to be a giant burden on them. I can't find a roommate right away for several reasons. Because of how I am with anxiety I can't live with a stranger and right now I don't know anyone well enough to live with them. Plus I just need some time to grieve and be alone till I am ready to socialize. Like after I am eating like a normal human again and my heart stops flipping around.
Since I get a new therapist (student in training) every year this year I sped things up by printing out parts of my blog for her to read to get her up to speed on my life. So I think she knows about the online blog. I never told her it was an online blog, but one time she said "so is it like an online blog?" I said "sort of". I figure anyone could type any part of my blog in on google and find it right away. So sometimes I just figure she could be reading it...who knows.
As for therapy I think I am done. I have been going for about 3 years now and it has not done a damn thing for me. Every week I go and basically paying her to listen to me. The truth is I go just to see a different human being and talk. Since I don't have any really good friends right now in real life it is like I am renting one. I also find myself annoyed over the years sometimes for lack of understanding, other times because I have been through this so many times nothing new is said to me.
For one example. If anyone of you read my blog enough you know I am scared to death of having a tetanus shot and have not had one since I was about 7 years old. I am way overdue. This Nov. my xbf was suppose to take me because I felt safer with him than if my parents took me. There is a good chance I could faint from it and I know from experience after I faint I am in no shape to drive. I don't just bounce back from it like some people. I am also scared to death of the vaccine itself. I don't feel personally it is a safe product and side effects can occur up to 6 weeks after the injection. I have a fear of fainting as well and since it might cause me to faint it is a double edged sword. Some side effects of the vaccine can be seizures up to 4 days after the shot. I also have a major fear seizures. So again it hypes me up. To put in simply. Even though I know I most likely will be fine like everyone else a part of my brain believes the day I get that shot is the day I am going to die and if not die end up crippled for life. My body then reacts to that thought like it is real. So making an appointment to get that shot is like asking you at some point next month pick the day you want to die.
I brought the tetanus shot up for a reason. I have moved it off a few months till I settle down from the breakup. So I won't be smoking so much and basically be in better shape to deal with the stress because right now I am pushed to the max with stress. I brought up to my therapist that it will be hard on me to see him pack up his stuff and leave. She says to me "Well maybe while he is packing up to distract yourself, maybe that would be a good time for your father to take you over to get your tetanus shot." Are you fucking kidding me?? Do you fucking get this at all? So while I am feeling like death, not eating, not sleeping and about to be left completely alone it would be a good time to go get the shot I deem as something that is going to kill me. Then come home to an empty house with no one to talk to and sit in fear for 6 weeks till I know I am ok?? Seriously what the fuck?
Now I have debated in my head if I should go back one last time to prove to myself that I am not just staying away because I felt faint the last time I was there. Then just not return and be done with it. I am leaning towards just not going back. Why push myself and make things worse? I already know I could go back again and that being at the therapists didn't make me feel faint. But high anxiety or not eating most likely did. I am tired of pushing myself. I am tired of being tired.
For 17 years I have dealt with many substandard friendships and relationships and substandard jobs and substandard medical care (except my lung, oral surgeon they were great.) I think I am done with the substandard therapy. Maybe someday if I have health insurance I will see a professional again and not a student. I have before, but it has been a very long time. I feel so awful and to think I am on xanax. I wonder how bad I would feel without being on it. I can't even imagine.
So now I am waiting for him to leave. For his key to be handed to me and for the door to close for the last time. From there where things go I don't know. I guess there is only two ways things can go. They can get better or they can get worse. And like I always tell people I am not suicidal. I am to nosy to be suicidal, meaning I have to find out how the story ends. I want to see what happens with my life because I always have held out hope that someday things would be better. Plus sometimes I have good days, days so good I forget I even have an anxiety disorder and I forget all the bad stuff from my past. I live for those days no matter how rare they are. Plus through it all I know someone is worse off than me and it could be a lot worse than what it is. Even if my heart stopped beating right this second I am older than many people on this planet have lived to be. Call me a sucker, but before I die I want the happy ending. I just hope I get it.
Even after everything I still would like to get to a place where my xbf and I could be friends eventually. And of course I have the 5% fantasy that he will leave and the harsh reality of the world will hit him and he will remember how nice I was and come back to me. But like I said it is only 5% and I am not counting on it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The love of my life
You are the love of my life and you are leaving me. I am not perfect, but I love you so much. I have been in so much pain these past few weeks. We had to change all the utilities into my name and go down to the rental office to get your name off the lease. Each step of this process has been killing me.
I have been with you for 5 years and I have no real friends and because of my illness no job. But I try my best to make up for that by cleaning your clothes and supporting you in any choice you make. Even the choice to leave me. I have even told you safe areas of the city to live because I don't want to see you get hurt.
My parents pay for my bills, they have always helped me money wise. They have never really helped me emotionally and even when it comes to us breaking up to them it is not a big deal and I should be over it or not get so depressed. They are also old now....I won't have them much longer and no other family to speak of when they are gone.
To try to make myself feel better I have been going into chat rooms to make sure people still find me attractive because I am in my 30's. They do and that helps, but they aren't you. They will never be you.
I have been through breakups before so I know the pain will fade, but I am older, and not financially secure plus this time around I have no friends that I can cry on. Though some strangers have been nice to me online and said I could talk to them about it if I need and even gave me their number...I just can't break down and be open with someone I just met.
I can't eat, days are just running together. Tonight I woke up before you got home and it was so quiet. Soon you will have your own place and that is all it will be here....quiet.
And the stupidest thing of all is who will I watch our favorite tv shows with? We have such a private and personal humor between us....and now it's just gone.
I have been with you for 5 years and I have no real friends and because of my illness no job. But I try my best to make up for that by cleaning your clothes and supporting you in any choice you make. Even the choice to leave me. I have even told you safe areas of the city to live because I don't want to see you get hurt.
My parents pay for my bills, they have always helped me money wise. They have never really helped me emotionally and even when it comes to us breaking up to them it is not a big deal and I should be over it or not get so depressed. They are also old now....I won't have them much longer and no other family to speak of when they are gone.
To try to make myself feel better I have been going into chat rooms to make sure people still find me attractive because I am in my 30's. They do and that helps, but they aren't you. They will never be you.
I have been through breakups before so I know the pain will fade, but I am older, and not financially secure plus this time around I have no friends that I can cry on. Though some strangers have been nice to me online and said I could talk to them about it if I need and even gave me their number...I just can't break down and be open with someone I just met.
I can't eat, days are just running together. Tonight I woke up before you got home and it was so quiet. Soon you will have your own place and that is all it will be here....quiet.
And the stupidest thing of all is who will I watch our favorite tv shows with? We have such a private and personal humor between us....and now it's just gone.
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