One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines

Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam





The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.

Feeling Blah

I am not really feeling that well today. I got ready to go to the supermarket and started to feel sick to my stomach, but not from anxiety. I drank some juice before I went to see if it would help. I took my xanax around 11:30am anyway so I definitely was not nervous. That unpleasant issue I talked about before with the pale stools (by pale I mean gray) have been still happening on and off for the past year, but the tests were all normal so who knows what my issue is. My liver levels were fine and the ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gallbladder were all normal. Which is no surprise, I tend to always have normal results for medical tests. Outside of the anxiety no one can really explain why I get days were I get very ill and just have to wait till it passes.

I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.

While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.

When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on Justin.tv I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.

My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.

So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.

Social Skills

I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.

On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.

The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.

I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.

I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.

I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.

OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.

When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."

Justin TV Update

I have set my Justin.tv room from 18+ to general (I am trying it out and seeing how it goes). So now I will be listed on the justin.tv channel listing page. I have had to ban some words since now it is a "family friendly" chat. I am sure as time goes on I will see more words that I need to add to the banned list.

I am also going to have to give some people moderator status since I am not in that room 24/7. I don't want the moderators to perm ban anyone just give them 10 min time outs. If someone is causing a major issue email me on justin.tv with their screen name and what they said and I will add them to the ban list.

Because now everyone can see when I am online expect to see some hateful comments directed at me or the room. I have been doing stuff on the internet for years so believe me it does not bother me in the least. Don't let immature people bother you either. If you click on their name there is an ignore button and you will never see anything they type again. It is that easy :-) Try not to engage them in a fight it only will feed the troll. :-)


For people who are reading this blog and have no idea what I am talking about. My justin.tv address where I lifecast is http://www.justin.tv/atomic811

UPDATE Took My Mom To The Hospital

I just wanted to let everyone know my mom is ok. Some people have been emailing me asking and I apologize it took me so long to put an update up to this. It turns out it was just a reaction to the antibiotic she was on and so they changed her medication. She rested up the next day and is now back to normal.

This all started because she had a kidney infection and was given Cipro. Her second pill caused bad pain in her chest/stomach area. Because of the location on the pain, her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital. The hospital did blood work and an EKG to rule out heart attack and did a CT scan of her Aorta, digestive track and kidneys. They did the kidney CT to rule out a kidney stone that may have gotten stuck, since that could also be the cause of the pain. Turns out the Cipro caused most of her digestive track to just flare up really bad. So they changed her pill.

I will try to write more later, but just wanted to let everyone know she was fine and doing well. Thank you all for asking.