The Day My Boyfriend Left

The day my xbf left. Most of the day was going well. I was watching tv while he was packing up his car for his first trip to move stuff out to his new place. I felt surprisingly good, but I was tired. Because I was so tired I did not feel safe driving so I called my mom and asked if it would be ok if my dad drove my thanksgiving dinner over to me instead of me picking it up. She said that was fine. They only live about a mile from me anyway.

My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.

He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.

I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.

Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.

When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.

I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).

I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.

So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.

I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.

My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.

Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.

Thanksgiving and Therapy

Holidays are not an easy time for me. For as long as I can remember I find them depressing. All except Halloween. I don't even like my birthday. I always get morbid thoughts about dying in a car crash around a holiday or someone I love dying on a holiday. You know the stuff cheesy lifetime movies are made of. The kind of movie where the whole family grieves every year for decades because they lost so and so on Christmas.

My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.

My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.

I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.

I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.

I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.

Hypochondriac

So soon after my xbf went to work this morning I started to itch on my hip where the elastic band is on my boxers. So I look and I have a hive the size of a pencil eraser. So I think about what I ate in the past few hours and some of the things include tomato juice, walnuts, egg and beans. You know all the foods that are high allergy risk. So if a food did cause it I have no clue which. I also had taken a xanax a few hours before.

So it is a single hive and I feel fine and it seems to be going away, however I am worried I am going to go into complete anaphylactic shock. Now I am also fearful that my first reaction was mild and the next time I eat the offending food I will end up in the ER unable to breathe.

I am also aware that maybe the elastic band poked me the wrong way and that is the cause.

Of course being the hypochondriac I am I looked up hives and it says 80% are of unknown reason and can be caused by stress. Though I am always under stress and have been threw breakups before. So I don't think I have a stress hive.

A few years ago I broke out with a single hive on my knee and had ate a peach and sunflower seeds that day. I stopped eating peaches since and I don't think I have had sunflower seeds either. I doubt I am allergic to either. I would get tested, but you know I don't like blood and needles. Maybe someday.

Not that any of this matters what is going to happen is what is going to happen...it just really gets to me. Like really did I need to get a hive right now? I would assume it was a spider bite, but no clue how a spider would get there. I tried to take a picture of it to show my doctor the next time I go, which is what the dermatology page said to do, but it wont show in the picture.

My mom said she use to get hives after eating oranges and now she doesn't. Why she continued to eat them is beyond me. She was on this medication years ago and had taken it for a long time on and off and never had a problem. Then one day her tongue swelled up so bad she couldn't talk and was taken to the ER. It got so big so fast she couldn't talk properly for a month. I think I was 3 when that happened and don't remember it.

Depression and Insomnia: All in the Gut?

I have been watching this guys videos for sometime and although I disagree at times with him on some issues he is well worth watching. Watch two of his videos and see what you think. If you like him, just click one of the videos and it will open up to youtube. Then you can subscribe to his videos. I have a great appreciation for anyone who is trying to help people and thinking outside of the box. He is one of the many I have admiration for.



















**note as always if a video no longer works please email me so I can remove it or replace it.

Olive Oil of Death

**This took place at 11:30pm Nov. 24th so it has been 24 hours...so far so good.**

So I go into the kitchen and take 2 tablespoons of olive oil and eat it. Putting the jar away I notice a black fungus/mold looking thing at the bottom..almost the shape of an earth worm. Looking closer it appears to have black spores in the jelly shaped object. It is not past its expiration date and the last bottle I had never did this. So then I am like what the hell?

So I try to find anything online that looks like it. They say it can get cloudy, but I looked at pictures and it is not that kind of cloudy, but a black cloudy worm shape.

I shook the bottle and it went away and then settled again. I threw it out. Then I took it out of the trash and put it in a plastic bag so I can sue the damn company if I get sick.

The only thing I can find related to olive oil is garlic in olive oil, which this is not. That food poisoning (olive oil w/ garlic) is Botulism. Oh how fun that would be. I would have to be put on a breathing machine and since it is so rare in the United States the hospital has to call the CDC and the antitoxin has to be flown in from Atlanta GA. Botulism can kill me or put me in Intensive Care.

And here is the kicker....it starts usually between 18-36 hours, but as soon as 6 hours and as late at 10 days. 10 DAYS!! Are you kidding me?? So I took 1000mg of vitamin C in hopes whatever the hell it was the acid from the C might kill some of it. If I still drank alcohol I would so be taking shots of vodka to try to kill it.

I am never buying that imported brand from Italy again. So do I feel simi sick to my stomach right now? Yup, but that most likely is 100% placebo effect. What I have to look for is double vision, muscle paralysis and drooping eye lids.

I just want to know what the hell it was..like am I going to be fine? Will I just get the runs? Or am I going to face multiple organ transplants and death? That would be fitting with everything going on in my life right now.

Now am I in a panic?. Not really. I almost don't care. I can at least say this is beyond my control and I cannot be blamed for it. Not that I want food poisoning.

For the record the oil I ate was clear, tasted fine and no bad smells either.

OK just had to share that and will be much happier after 36 hours and then even happier after 10 days.