The Trance

I am having a hard time getting ready to go to the pulmonologist this morning. I don't feel like moving, but I will.

You know what is strange? I don't know if it is from the horrible benzo withdrawal I went though or not, because I seem to remember a form of this feeling before, but I live in a constant zoned out state. I can function fine, but it is almost as if I stay in a meditative trance or a mild hypnotic state. I think I could actually snap myself out of it, but I stay in it anyway because even though I still get nervous about stuff it is oddly comforting.

I guess I am not in this state 100% of the time, but I would say 90%. I wouldn't even know how to properly describe it to a therapist. Some people online have said it could be depersonalization or derealization, but I looked that up several times and while similar, I do not really fit that, to be honest it is not even close.

I do however feel as if everyone else around me is plugged into something that I am no longer plugged into (I assume though that there must be many more that feel like I do and I would love to talk to them). I am not sad about this state of mind though. I almost prefer it, it is incorporated into my fear of death now because I fear losing this bizarre mental state that I live in often and never talk about.

If I had to try to explain how it feels to me without sounding too out there it is like a large part of my "ego" is dissolved. I mean I still worry about disfigurement, suffering and death, but I no longer feel any connection to the material world outside of living things. I don't care about concerts, movies, BBQs, new cars, celebrities, TV..ect. I don't worry about anything outside of health and survival concerns. Bad credit is not a concern to me for example, it has become just some number that means something to everyone else. I don't feel plugged into the social norms, dinner times, what to eat, when to sleep, decorations go up for holidays on this or that date and pictures are taken for all to see, holiday parties, birthday parties, stock market rising and falling..I could go on and on...I have no feeling towards it, no attachment, I simply view other peoples reactions to it and witness them doing all the things that everyone else does that is "plugged in", just like I did when I was.

So, I have no clue what that is, like I said it doesn't upset me. I prefer it.