Life Update

I haven't updated in awhile. I for some reason haven't been in the mood. I kept telling myself I would get to it or make a video. I really didn't feel like I had anything new to report or say. I starting to feel like even I don't want to here myself complaining anymore or I was waiting for happy stuff to report. I just didn't have anything happy and started getting emails asking if I was OK or asking me to update.

So here is what has been going on:

I still feel like crap only I make myself exercise everyday anyway. My heart still goes flying with little effort. I was going 4 mph (for 30 mins) on the treadmill, but my heart rate was 180 during it. For people who don't know that is not normal and 4 mph is not even jogging. So I backed it off to 3 mph which keeps my heart rate around 160 which isn't that great at all, but hey its lower than 180. A quick search on exercise will reveal that at 3 mph the heart rate should be about 105-120 depending on the persons fitness and level of health.

Anyway, so I do 3 mph for an hour every day, so I end up walking 3 miles total. It is boring as hell even if I am listening to techno/trance remixes on my mp3 player. Then after an hour or so of being done with that I do the arm bike. Its bike pedals, but you spin it with your arms. I spin that thing 3000 times a day. Also boring. It takes about 30 minutes to spin it that many times.

Sometimes my heart skips for a few seconds on the treadmill which concerns me to a point. I might do a stress test. Only problem at this point is what doctor do I even go see after seeing so many and being blown off. The amount of symptoms and doctors I have seen is ridiculous and a twisted part of my mind, even though I know full well its not true thought maybe I am part of some horrible government experiment. Its not like they don't do that to people. Just recently it was told on the news about us infecting people in another country and of course here at home the sterilizations that took place and the people left infected with syphilis. Anyway so like I said I don't really think that just crossed my mind in passing..how could it not at this point.

I have been eating 2 lbs of blended fruit a day or 3 quarts of vegetable juice. To try to repair whatever is wrong. Will it work? Who knows, but at least it gives me a feeling of some control.

It is almost 21 months since coming off Xanax so I decided to check my blood sugar again since the first year off it was running high (140-155) often times. Still under diabetes level, but those are not good numbers. Thankfully during retesting on and off I never went above 110. My numbers are now 91-110 which is perfect (fasting number 80).

Standing heart rate is still an issue. Sitting heart rate fine and of course as mentioned above exercising heart rate is terrible. I have been exercising daily since the end of Aug. minus 1 or 2 days off when I needed a break. I am still heat intolerant and severely fatigued. Digestive system is still messed up, but not as bad as it was and seems to be improving.

My mother had a scan last week to check on her cancer and got the results today. The cancer is back in the liver. So after the holidays she goes back for another scan then off to have part of her liver removed. She is only 89 lbs, never really recovered from the chemo which she has been off of for a year and 2 months. She has chronic diarrhea from it. She has to wear a diaper if she goes out or to sleep. She can't gain weight and is even more forgetful than she was. I am more concern about the liver surgery in her weakened state more so than the cancer right now.

I made a video series about an MSG free diet. Some people have emailed me asking if I have started it yet and I haven't. I limited it (but not enough), but that is why I am consuming so many fruits and vegetables now. I am on my way in that direction just been picking ass about it.

I have these days where I feel OK like really OK and then my body crashes and I feel like complete shit. I will be 35 this coming spring and I have felt like shit since the end of being 32 years old. I am tired of it. I feel beat down by it. I have no life at all. Then I perk back up and keep fighting back and have hope again.

I am overdue for my chest x-ray. I have to get one once a year, but its been a little over a year and a half since my last one. I really should do it because it actually hurts to take a deep breath. To clarify it has hurt to take a deep breath or yawn since 2000 when I had the surgery on my right lung, just the past few months they both feel more inflamed than normal..even the left one which is my "good lung". Of course the right one hurts more, but then it always does since 2000.

I keep hoping to turn this corner like one day all the exercise and fruits and vegetables will pay off..maybe I will wake up and everything will be over and in working order. In truth I have lived in this so long I am not completely sure how feeling well would feel or even what I would do. I have become very accustom to fighting and experimenting with myself. To suddenly not have that as a struggle would be weird and yet wonderful. I would go see a 3D movie or something.