I am going to take this time to do a post about something I rarely talk about or anyone for that matter because no one wants to be viewed as "crazy". I am not a very religious person, for me none of the religions ever clicked, except for maybe Buddhism, even that I can't completely agree with. However I am a spiritual person and it is my personal belief that we get signs, either from God, the universe or maybe it is even our higher mind that helps us along. I guess some people would say they feel something in their gut.
I rarely listen to the "signs" I am given or half listen, other times they have done nothing less than save my life. So why would I ignore them? Pressure from the outside world I guess, fear of being wrong, and mostly just not trusting myself. I don't know when my own distrust of myself and my instincts started, maybe in childhood or from hearing "better be safe than sorry." repeated over and over by family, friends, doctors and indeed strangers. Everyone knows what is "best" for me...I assume many readers have the same situation as me when it comes to that.
What I have is no special gift, every human has that inner voice that warns, that just "knows" in the pit of them a "truth" that can not always be put into words or explained, even if there is evidence pointing away from that truth and indeed in my case during the worse of what was happening to me in 2009, not a single person who really believed what I was saying, except the people who had been through it.
My gut has helped me in the following ways:
In 1997 I had the best oral surgeon take out all 4 of my impacted wisdom teeth while under sedation. He was the 7th oral surgeon I had seen. I had been "shopping" for years. They all rubbed me the wrong way, didn't listen, didn't get it. He did. I was nervous the day I went in, but I felt safe with him, I knew he would do right by me and I felt it. Turns out my easy surgery became difficult when he discovered I had roots wrapped around a nerve that gives me feeling to my lower face. He did and excellent job and I thankfully have complete feeling because of his great work.
In 2000 I knew there was a lung issue, it was no surprise to me when it was discovered. I wanted a chest xray months before that morning came and I was taken to the ER. I was ignored till that point, but never pushed the issue because of my own distrust in what I knew to be the case. The lung surgeon I got to perform my surgery not only had seen my rare condition before, but had performed a successful surgery on a 16 year old girl with it months before. He had a good feeling coming from him when he entered the room and I never distrusted him. I was of course scared, but he was "the one" I could feel it. If I ever needed lung surgery again I rather have him, even at 90 years old and a little forgetful perform it, because even a little forgetful he would out perform someone who was just not the right fit.
In 2001 after I came off 10mg of paxil, it was not yet known or understood that antidepressants cannot just be stopped cold turkey. Three days later when the "zapping" started I went to an ER in FL. where I lived at the time. I was questioned as to "Who told you you could stop taking your medication?" to which I replied "I told me." As if I do not have the right to what goes in my body and I need the permission of another. I was told what was happening was not from paxil, that it was just a once a day pill. Again I somehow "knew" it was the paxil and thankfully in time it passed.
I was told that I would never be able to stop drinking alcohol on my own and that I would need to be in AA for the rest of my life and work the steps. I knew that was not for me after going several times. AA made me want to drink. I was able to stop drinking on my own, unlike what I was told at AA, by doctors and therapists and have not had a single drink since 2007.
I was told by a doctor I would never quit smoking unless I had help by patches and when that failed help by drugs like zyban and chantix. I ignored them and when I finally did quit, I did it cold turkey and here I am today smoke free.
In 2009, when the xanax withdrawal started I knew that it was what caused the horrible problem I live with today (though if you read my blog all through 2009 I questioned myself about that) that was the hardest thing I ever had and still have to go through. I was always told if everyone else believes something and you don't that makes you crazy. After all how could everyone be wrong? I have had to ignore so many doctors through all this and that is not easy for someone like me. I have indeed questioned my sanity though all of this.
There is so much more that I will have to leave out for now because I could go on and on. However, I recently (as readers know) saw a lung doctor and did a breathing test. I do not feel right about his condescending advice as I sat there having a lower breathing score than the general population and walk around breathless, so I will listen to my gut and will be seeing a new specialist for advice.
The recent visit to the gastro doctor was good and bad and has indeed causes me a great deal of stress this week. The stress is coming from me fighting my gut, the deep feeling of knowing that she is not the one to do any scopes on me. I don't feel she has a good energy at all, at the very least we do not "fit". However my gut does tell me to do all the other tests she wants run and I will.
When I was sitting in the waiting room waiting to see her (she shares the same waiting room I was in the week before waiting to see the lung doctor.) an old woman sat next to me. There were plenty of seats for her, so my first thought was "Oh God, why do you have to sit right next to me?" I hate that esp. when I am very nervous about something...I need my space. She opened a book and started reading. I glanced over and saw one sentence in whatever book she was reading and it said "All this for nothing." Oddly that is exactly how I felt later. I saw them both now and I clicked with neither, esp. the gastro, even if she is the one who found my mothers cancer. It is just that vibe we all get, a warning, a feeling of something is not right.
Two days later I was talking to someone local online and he (who has many colon issues) was raving about how great his gastro is and said if I want a second opinion to see her. I made note. The next day after taking my trash out, my neighbor was coming home and we got talking. I shared some of my information with her and she told me about her wonderful gastro doctor. Turns out it is the very same doctor that the guy was telling me about the night before. I will take that as a sign and plan on seeing her for a second opinion.
I think I will write more about this topic later, but for now it is long enough. I see my primary care doctor on Tuesday to get a referral to a cardiologist for a stress test and tilt table test.
The point in all of this is I think I need to listen to my gut more and pay attention to the signs around me and less to all the noise coming from others.