Saturday, February 13, 2010

Fell into a funk

Over the past few weeks I have really let myself go and have not been trying very hard to help myself at all. I think after my moms stroke and me seeing doctor after doctor and being lined up for more tests I just shut down. I found I was sleeping more and more hours and just was not as social online as I had been. I noticed I stopped going to the grocery store and started getting junk food at gas stations. I would lay around so much that just moving a small amount made my heart race. I found each time I would wake up I would move from my bed to the computer chair and just watch youtube videos all day and email people back slower than normal. When Keith was here I would just sit all day watching TV. Now I have got myself in a funk and need to get back out. I think it ended the other night when I was laying in bed trying to sleep and whispered Keiths name and he said "Yeah." in a half asleep state and I said "I don't want my mom to die." and then the tears, which had not been flowing for a few weeks came pouring out. He talked to me for a little while and then oddly I was no longer sad. I am unsure where that wave of emotion came from, but I needed it.

My mom recently had another CT scan and there is now fluid/spots on the stomach, so they are going to have to scan again soon to see if the cancer has now also spread to the stomach. She is still going in March to meet with the surgeon to see if he wants to do the surgery to remove any cancer he can see from the liver. So far the cancer is still gone from the colon, but she is still having chronic diarrhea issues that the doctors have been unable to stop and she is down to 88 lbs.

I really want to get my juicer back from my parents house since they haven't used it. I really feel the need to start using it daily. I just really feel like I need to eat fresh real food. When I fall back into junk food I fall hard. I lived recently on McDonald's, Taco Bell, Chocolate Milk, Danishes, cookies, and other assorted garbage.

I feel myself freezing up, which is what I do when I become overwhelmed. I mean doctors are concerned about my blood sugar and want to run tests on that. Even though I brought a blood glucose meter and saw it was at 174, when they were concerned at 138, what did I do? Load up on sweets. I haven't even been on the treadmill in a month. It is weird I can always feel myself losing my grip and I seem to do nothing to stop it, then end back up where I am now, having to fight to get back where I was (which was not in a good place, but better than where I am).

This week I have two appointments, so I have to suck myself out of this funk and get to the sleep clinic and my therapist. I am going to drink water most of the day today and pop a few vitamins, and slowly start eating real food. I get my food money from my father later today, so I will be able to get to the store and get some healthier foods soon.

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